


Self-Defense

by pussycatbelle



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Blood and Gore, Bottom Jared, F/M, Gun Violence, Homophobic Language, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mentions of Jared/Sandy, Mentions of Jensen/Danneel, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sexual Violence, sorry about that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 20:12:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 46,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4974859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pussycatbelle/pseuds/pussycatbelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen knew something was wrong. He didn’t know how he knew, but he did. What he finds at Jared’s home will change all their lives forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was beginning to get past annoying. The steady ringing in his ear, the hopeful pause just before Jared's cheerful voice informed him that, _for reasons completely justified I can't take your call right now, so you know what you gotta do,_ were not strange in and of themselves, but hearing them over and over during the last two days was starting to grate. No… not grate, _worry._

Jensen ignored the fact he had just arrived from Vancouver International Airport and his bed vividly called him. He dropped his bags on the walnut-colored sofa, snatched the keys to his SUV and headed towards Jared's home.

The last time Jensen had seen Jay had been Friday night, a little after eight, since he'd had a flight to New York to catch. After almost three months of punishing work, he had been content to be spend a lounging weekend with Danneel. She was in between jobs and missed him wholly.

Granted it took a lot of manly groveling to be given the go ahead to take off earlier than usual. Luckily, they were ahead of schedule and already filming episode seven of season three. He’d left Jared to finish a grueling action sequence that would end another recurring character. 

 

~o~

 

 _"Powers that be favor the awesome, Jay. Get used to it."_ Jensen had said triumphantly.

 _"Bite me, pretty boy."_ Jared had waved him off, with an insincere sneer and beaming eyes. Jared had hugged his jacket tighter around his body, the September cold more noticeable as he jogged back to his scene.

That image stayed with Jensen all weekend. He had felt a slight pang as he walked to the van that would take him to the airport. He wished Jared could come with him. He had trudged on, mentally chastising himself for even thinking that, knowing Danneel wanted a few private days, _“Just the two of us, please?”_

The problem was, that for more than two years, the _us_ in his head wasn't Danneel and Jensen.

It wasn’t his fault that Jared had gotten under his skin. With the time they spent together, it wasn't surprising. It was a feeling Jensen did not mind at all, to have him constantly by his side. Jared's energy fed him along the way, even if his bouncing attitude gave off an image of immaturity completely undeserved.

In fact, that's how the never-ending calls had began on Saturday. In a small bookshop obscured by the bright lights of the streets of New York, Jensen had found a partial collection of F. Scott Fitzgerald works. His mind rapidly wandered to Jay, his affinity for a great read. 

Without thinking, he had speed-dialed Jared's number, wanting to know exactly what to buy. All he got was the voicemail. 

Danneel had shrugged at him, telling him to just buy it all. Jared could donate them if he had repeats. Undeterred, he'd continued to dial during the day, leaving message after message, good-natured jabs that hid the escalating concern twisting inside. Jared _always_ returned his calls.

Before the day was over and after indulging Danneel, Jensen had returned to the bookstore. He left a few dollars lighter and a couple pounds heavier in his heart. Where was Jared and why hadn’t he called back?

 

~o~

 

As his Land Rover ate the miles underneath its tires, the minutes passed and the unanswered calls piled up. Jensen channeled his anxiety into nonchalance, not wanting to feel the mounting pressure in his stomach as anything but weariness.

Sometime Saturday, Kim Manners had called him to discuss a minor change in a scene. It was due to be shot on Monday and he’d commented on how tired Jared had been Friday night. How he had yawned and grumbled that the world could explode during the weekend, he just wanted to sleep. So Jensen wasn't concerned, no he wasn't, Jared had probably slumped on his couch with two six-packs and was still sleeping it off.

And the calls? He’d probably left his cell phone somewhere out of hearing range. Though, he knew his best friend like the palm of his hand and he knew Jay wouldn't leave his cell phone far from his side.

The drive was equally long and swift. His veins pounded through his body constrained and reluctant. As he slowed to a stop in Jared's driveway, Jensen warily observed the closed blinds on the living room windows. The afternoon sun casted varied reflections off the glass as he hurriedly took the steps toward to the front door, his key firmly in hand.

"I think Jared had quite the night last night...as least it sounded like it." Jensen startled when he heard the voice of Jared's neighbor, Laura. She dragged a garbage bag over to the dumpster cleverly hidden behind the lilac bushes on her property.

"Yeah...? You heard him bringing down the house?" He wanted so badly to believe Jared was just passed out on the couch.

"Well, either that, or he left the TV loud for a while." She brushed a lock of chestnut hair behind her ear, blushing as she looked at his bright green eyes.

"Probably stumbled over his own shorts, the big dork." A bit relieved that signs of life were confirmed, he moved to his goal, wanting to avoid any further chitchat. "It was nice talking to you, Mrs. Bouchard!"

He walked briskly to the front door, unlocked it and swiftly jerked it back. He braced himself for the expected assault of Jared's dogs, but it never came. As he turned to the alarm system panel, he noticed it was disarmed. There were no sounds inside the house, his previous relief gone in an instant.

A sharp odor engulfed him at once. The palpitations in his chest grew stronger as he noticed the debris of Jared's charcoal backpack strewn across the space between the living room floor and the hallway. There were clothes thrown around and as he stepped forward, glass from smashed photo frames crunched beneath his feet.

To his left was the kitchen and there on the counter top was another wave of destruction. He saw an opened bottle of milk, condensation long gone by then. Dirty dishes poured out of the sink and there was garbage on every surface.

Jensen circled the marble top and stopped short, his breath stolen away. Smeared handprints covered the door and handle of the refrigerator. All were different maroon shades, some looked more like rust than anything else. Jensen gasped as his eyes welled with tears. The smell that permeated the house did not lie. It was blood.

He started to sprint backwards, his eyes never leaving the stains, when his feet connected with something on the floor with a small _thud._ Jensen's brain slowly registered the blood-matted fur with Jared's girl, Sadie, as she took shallow, thready breaths. There was a long, even cut to her side and her teeth were slightly bared. Horror crept up Jensen's spine and he audibly panted. He righted himself, taking his steps cautiously.

He felt awful as he left Sadie alone, but the images running through his mind, of being too late for Jared, clouded him to the point of drowning. He had to see for himself that Jared was okay. He had to be, even as Jensen knew that denial had begun to overtake him.

As he continued his trek, the coppery smell dominated his nostrils with such force that he started to faintly heave. Down the hallway toward the bedrooms, the rust-colored handprints were joined by footprints, shoe soles and large bare feet mixed clearly. _Jared's feet..._

"Jared...? Please?" He didn't know what he begged for, as he peered into the first bedroom on his right. It was the guest room where he’d spent countless nights. The door had been kicked open and the lock had torn through the frame. Wooden splinters stood on end, however the room was almost undisturbed.

The only thing out of place was Jared's other dog, Harley, lying at the foot of the bed, similar to his sister. Though there was no blood, his eyes were glazed and his breaths were thin.

Blindly, Jensen ran toward the master bedroom, slipping and landing hard on his ass in front of the bathroom. He paled with a throbbing pain that shot up his spine and at the distinct feel of wetness in his jeans. From beneath the door, through the dull afternoon sunshine, he could plainly see a pool of blood trailing, smeared across the floor due to his fall.

Starting to lose control of his tears, he gripped the doorknob and pushed ineffectively, a heavy weight preventing him from opening the door. Nevertheless, his strength was fueled by desperation. With the first shoulder-powered shove, Jensen managed to dislodge whatever was blocking his path.

The sight inside made his heart stop and he felt bile rush through his body.

The man that rested against the inside of the bathroom door now lay awkwardly on his left side. His limbs were stiff and bent like a marionette's, a bluish tint spread over his face. The taupe t-shirt he wore was half-drenched in almost blackened blood, the origin of the flow somewhere on his right flank. A large knife sat close to the man's boot-covered feet, stained from handle to tip in a sticky, bloody mess. The same mess stained the leather gloves on his hands.

Through the haze in his head, Jensen noted all these things, but his eyes stuck absorbingly on the dead man's, for no doubt he was _dead_ , blond hair. Not brown, not curled at the back, but bound in a ponytail. It wasn't Jay. He half-sobbed a laugh and thought that in the last few minutes he had lost his mind.

When he finally reached Jared's bedroom an eerie calm settled over him. Jensen stood under the door's threshold numbly staring at his best friend. Jared lay nearly naked and unmoving on his bed, eyes closed tight. His right hand was bound to the frame of the bed even tighter, his muscled arm pulled taut. The coils of rope around his wrist were bloody, as were the ones wrapped around his ankles. Though his legs were not stretched but bent at the knees, his heels dug into the mattress.

He had dragged half of the baby blue fitted sheet trying to cover himself. A frayed piece of rope dangled from his left wrist, as he pulled the blood-stained fabric between his legs. His inner thighs were burned raw, angry red welts raised on the skin. Tear tracks leading to his hair line had dried on his bruised face and he loosely wore several rings of rope around his neck. Without doubt those had been around his face, gagging him, for he sported scraped lines along his cheeks. A horrible parody of a joker's smile. The air suddenly hit Jensen straight into his chest as he noticed Jay softly muttered. 

_"Please...no more...no more..."_

Jensen hurried to his friend's side, rapidly freaking out. Jared sensed him come closer and visibly tensed and shuddered painfully.

"Jay, it's me, buddy" he said frantically. "Come on, Jared. Open your eyes." Hoping to ease him, Jensen tentatively pushed sweaty locks away from Jay's forehead. The skin of his hand seared at the contact, but he let it rest gently. "God, you're burning up."

"Jensen...? Is t-that you?" Jared's voice was hoarse and his red-rimmed hazel eyes overflowed with tears.

"Yeah, I'm here, you're gonna be okay, alright?" he answered as he pulled the rest of the sheet around Jay's body. Over half a dozen sets of weirdly shaped bruises covered his ribs, stretching around to his back. Every movement caused Jared to tense and whimper. His words came through clenched teeth.

"Jen, it hurts."

"It's gonna be okay, Jay," he repeated more to himself. Jensen reached blindly through his pockets for his cell phone. "I'll call an ambulance, cut these ropes off of you. I just need to find a knife. I'll be right back."

He meant to run back to the kitchen when Jared gripped his hand, panic in his eyes. "Don't leave me! Please, don't leave."

Jensen's heart broke at the sheer terror on Jay's face. He leaned down and lightly kissed his forehead, ignoring the smell tangled in his hair. He did not want to think about what matted it besides sweat. "It's okay..."

He raced to the kitchen and back, mindful of the puddle and stains. Jared continued to mutter, taking gulps of air harshly. Blade in hand, Jensen quickly set to cut the pieces of rope around his ankles.

He winced at sight of circulation rushing back to Jared's feet, the marks ringed on his skin turning deep red. When he released the right arm blood began to seep through the burn. Jared cried out as he brought both arms to hug his stomach.

The ropes around his neck were knotted into the hair at the back of his head. After trying uselessly to undo them without hurting Jared, he left them in place. Concern ruled Jensen's face when he saw the fingered-shaped bruises dotting Jay's throat and his eyes unfocused and darting around the room.

"Where are they? Sadie...Harley...I heard them crying, are they dead? Said he killed them...that...I can't...no..." Jared couldn't hold his choked sobs, even when they visibly caused him more pain. "Is he gone? I can't take it anymore, please be gone... Nonono...please, don't tell Daddy...please?"

Jensen choked back his own screams enough to call 911. It became difficult to explain the situation while he sat so close to Jared. He found it almost impossible to whisper to the emergency operator, _"He was tortured, I think he was raped."_

"Jay? Hey, look at me." He eased his hands to cup Jared's flushed face, voice rough with worry and crippling anger. "Try to focus, buddy. Ambulance is coming soon."

The dazed look seemed to lessen a little. "My stomach hurts. Real bad."

Unconsciously, Jensen touched him, his abdomen was rigid and a little distended. Jared bit back a groan and started to grow restless. "I wanna get out of here, please..."

"We just have to wait a little bit, Jay. Try to keep still." Jensen's dread became a solid thing when he saw the stains between Jared's thighs become larger. 

"Jen...t-thank you."

Jensen couldn't keep the waver out of his voice. "For what?"

"I knew you were g-gonna c-come..." Effort spent, Jared's eyes rolled into his head and he lost consciousness.

“Jay?” Jensen took in a sharp breath. Fuck… Where was that ambulance?


	2. Chapter 2

Hannah Ballantyne had worked in Vancouver General Hospital for seventeen years, a head nurse for eleven. At forty-six she had witnessed many things, mainly during those years. As she strode down the fourth-floor hallway, the ebony braid at the back of her head swung back and forth. Sometimes the walls surrounding her became suffocating, like at that very moment.

She couldn't remember his name, but she knew who he was. Hannah didn't exactly live under a rock. Though, she doubted that when he went in front of the cameras he looked like he did now. 

The short dark-blond hair was seriously mussed up as he continued to run his blood-stained hands through it. His skin was pale which made his freckles stand out more. Belligerent and shaky, he loudly harassed Cathy Springer, the blonde nurse at the desk station. 

"Come on! Can't you just go and check? Give me something here."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ackles. There's nothing I can do. I know it's not easy, but I can only give patient information to family members." Cathy gave a hopeful glance at Hannah, clearly asking for help.

"His family's in Texas! He's my best friend! Are you really gonna leave me here hanging?!"

 _Jensen Ackles, that's his name._ Gently, Hannah placed her hand on his forearm and felt him flinch at the contact. "Could you please come with me, Mr. Ackles?"

Appearing temporarily defeated, he followed her down the hallway and into the thankfully empty waiting room.

"Look, I can't stay in the dark anymore. I need to know something, anything, please?" 

She then noted his bloodshot eyes and the barely-restrained screams under his facade. His plight was so evident, she couldn't help but try to accommodate him. "I will do what I can to give you an update of your friend's condition. But we need to get you settled first, ok?"

Confusion painted his face. "What do you mean?" 

"You need to clean up. And... maybe a change of clothes?" She pointedly averted her brown eyes from his tainted shirt and jeans.

Looking down at himself, Jensen's expression changed from desperate to horrified. He took in the dried blood that covered his clothing and his hand flew to his mouth. He started to hyperventilate. 

"It's alright, Mr. Ackles, breathe. Why don't you sit and take deep breaths?" She started to demonstrate as he complied obediently. His eyes got brighter than usual under a veil of tears. 

Minutes passed as Hannah waited for Jensen to reign himself in. After he managed to calm, she continued, "You could go to the bathroom, wash your hands. A splash of cold water will do you good." He stared steady into her eyes. However, he didn't hold the gaze for long. His eyes casted downwards again, absorbed by the blood on him. "I can probably get you some scrubs to wear if you don't want to leave the hospital."

"I won't leave him..." Jensen shook his head vehemently. "He didn't want me to leave him."

"You'll need to change then." She tried to soften her voice as much as possible, "The police will want your clothes for evidence."

Jensen absentmindedly nodded, "Okay." He stood slowly and headed toward the bathroom. 

Hannah followed him out and proceeded to the supply closet. She grabbed large-sized mint-green scrubs, hoping they would fit his tall frame. While he kept busy in the bathroom, she returned to the station. Ignoring Cathy's questioning look, she called the operating room where Jared Padalecki had been rushed to.

She knew she was defying hospital rules, but the sheer broken air on Jensen Ackles' face had gotten to her. After she negotiated some information out of the nurse that answered her call, she hung up the phone. She startled when she looked up and saw him standing in front of her, pale as a ghost.

"I feel better now," he said, clearly lying. The bags under his eyes carried limitless weight and the cloak of ache wouldn't leave him.

Hannah swallowed and extended the scrubs towards him, along with a plastic bag. He took them without question. "You can change in the bathroom. Use the bag for your clothes and I'll take them when you're done, okay?"

"Thank you."

"It's not a problem." She would need to add the bag to the hastily-done rape kit that had been performed on Jared upon his arrival to the emergency room. "Go ahead and change. If you want I can get you some coffee from the lounge. It's better than the coffee from the vending machine."

He tiredly nodded. Hannah wondered how much adrenaline he had spent when he became aware of his bloodied appearance. As he walked back down the hallway to the bathroom, his steps were dejected and weary. 

"He's not family, you know?" Cathy stared straight at her, "I feel for him, but I'm not taking heat if this blows up later." Her honesty sometimes vexed Hannah.

"You won't need to, Springer." The gaze she directed at Cathy made her seem sufficiently chastised. "I can't let him keep hurting like that. Family's not the only ones that suffer, Cath."

"I didn't mean any-" 

Hannah cut her off. "I know you didn't." 

Cathy cleared her throat and ventured to ask, "Did they tell you if he's going to make it? Padalecki, I mean?"

Sighing, Hannah noted Jensen as he came out of the bathroom. The scrubs fitted his body perfectly and she mentally reprimanded herself for noticing it at that moment.

"He's holding on for now."

Hannah sprinted toward Jensen, gesturing him to follow her. In the staff lounge, there was a small couch and an even smaller dining table. He sat on one of the wooden chairs surrounding the table and quietly waited. She felt his stare on the back of her neck. She diligently prepared two cups of the coffee one of the surgeons had brought from his home.

As she handed him the steaming mug, she complied to the pleading on his face. "I'm really not supposed to tell you any of this-" 

His eyes widened. "Please..."

"Don't worry, if you can keep a secret, then there'll be no trouble." She waited for him to nod. "I called OR 2, that's where your friend is getting surgery."

He remained transfixed. "Okay."

She tried to find words that wouldn't fall so harshly on his ears. There weren't any. "His body took quite a toll. I don't know the exact extent of his injuries. You really will have to wait for the surgeon to finish, so he can inform you." 

She took a deep breath and carried on. "But I do know he had internal bleeding in his abdomen and there were signs he was having trouble breathing. He's undergoing explorative surgery so they can find the source of the bleeding."

Hannah kept to herself that they had already found the source. Multiple perforations were present in his rectum which caused Jared to bleed inside and out. Free air had pushed from within, causing the breathing difficulties. The surgeon had still been repairing the damage and removing blood from his abdominal cavity when Hannah's co-worker had said _"unless the bastard was literary hung like horse, there's no doubt about foreign object penetration."_

Jensen's tears spilled down and he roughly passed his hand over his face to wipe his cheeks. "Is Jay gonna make it? I couldn't..." He paused, composure almost lost. "He _has_ to make it. Jay's like my family, more than family, I can't..."

His shoulders shook as he gripped the mug in his hands, trying to control his sobs. Minutes stretched and Hannah reflected on the way he seemed to crack and impulsively force the pieces of himself back together. She had been around crisis long enough to recognize what he was feeling as guilt.

"I have a lot of faith in Jared's surgeon. Doctor Moriarty is excellent and very much a perfectionist." She softly grasped his forearm. "There's no doubt in my mind that he'll do whatever it takes to pull Mr. Padalecki through. Plus, the nurse I talked to told me he's fighting very hard."

Tentatively, Jensen gave her back his attention, a hopeful look in his watery eyes. "Really?"

"Yes. A lot of people, with the type of injuries he has, would have given up by now. Believe me." 

He closed his eyes, grimacing. "I know it was pretty clear-" He cleared his throat and continued. "He was raped, wasn't he?"

Cautiously, she replied. "I _really_ can't divulge that information, Mr. Ackles. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, okay..." His posture dipped then, sadness making its weight known. His body slumped forward on the table, kept upright by his elbows. "I keep hoping to wake up. Have all this be different, a nightmare."

"You should try to get some rest. There's no telling how long surgery's going to take."

Even as drained as he appeared, Jensen's intensity didn't falter. "I'm not going home, there's no way I'm leaving him." 

"Okay then. You can stay here. I figure you might need some privacy and I don't think the others will mind." She gave him a hesitant smile. "The couch is not that comfortable, but you'll need your strength for whatever comes next."

Hannah downed her cup of coffee and stood. After she washed the mug and set it in the sink, she turned toward him. "Have you called somebody? His family? We could do it if you want."

"No, I wanna do it. Just have to figure out what I'm gonna say..." His face twisted dejectedly. "This is going to kill his family." Jensen shook his head ruefully. "We're supposed to show up for work in less than ten hours...guess I have to make _that_ call now."

~o~

Jensen woke with a start and an excruciating headache. He had fallen asleep on the stiff yellow-green couch after a battle of wills with his exhaustion. As he lifted his body into a sitting position, his back and neck screamed in protest. Sleep had not been peaceful. Puzzled, he took in his surroundings until the full force of the last hours crashed into him.

As he held back a scream, he rubbed his face. He needed to chase away the shadows of fatigue that clung to him. His thoughts wandered all over the place, the pictures in his head bombarded him. The image of Jared unresponsive in his arms intertwined with the sunken look of a dead man's face. He could see the blood on both their bodies, the mixture of which Jensen would never stop feeling on his skin.

With a rigid knot in his chest, Jensen checked his watch and stood. It had been over an hour since he had called Kim Manners. Shock wasn't enough to describe his reaction. He had inundated Jensen with questions he couldn't answer. It took much effort to manage to say in which hospital he was. He begged Kim to find out where Jared's dogs had been taken. Jared would want to know.

Vaguely, he recalled that, amidst the chaos when the paramedics arrived, he had pleaded for help for his best friend's dogs. They were Jared's babies, a further extension of him. To see them so still and wounded smothered Jensen. Like it was him the one paralyzed and exhaling his life away. And maybe it was so. Maybe he was another part of Jared that had become shredded over the weekend.

Jensen jumped out of his skin when he heard the staff lounge door open. The sandy-blonde nurse he had been arguing with earlier poked her head in. She gave him an objective smile and informed him that someone was looking for him.

Bleary, he asked, "Who is it?"

"It's a Mr. Manners. He said you called him."

"Yeah, okay." He made to stand when she stated, "I'll let him come in, so you can have some privacy."

"Thanks." Jensen truly didn't like some aspects of being famous, but at that moment he would not begrudge any special treatment. When the nurse began to walk out of the room, he asked, "Any news on Jay?"

She halted for a second. "Not yet. I'm sorry."

A moment later Kim walked into the lounge and stared at him with an expression close to misery. He held a bag in one hand and a cell phone in the other.

"I called Kripke. He's on the next flight out." He passed the bag to Jensen. "I figured you weren't leaving the hospital. Brought you some clothes."

Jensen nodded and sniffed. "You figured right."

"I don't have the key to your apartment, so I went by wardrobe. Got you some of Dean's clothes."

Jensen shook his head, "That's...awesome, I guess. I'm not really rocking these scrubs... It's cold in here."

Kim concurred and sat across from Jensen in one of the chairs. "Have you called his family?"

"Not yet. He... Jay said something about not telling his father. I don't know exactly what he meant-"

"Jensen, we can't keep this a secret from them. They're his family, they're going to want to see him."

"I know. I just wish there was more to tell them. Like some good news." He frowned. "I want to wait for the surgery to be over. That way I can say he's alive."

"I'm not sure that's the best course of action, but we'll go with it." He clasped his hands together in a nervous gesture. "Kripke was calling the network. If it comes to it, Eric wants to go with a disrupted burglary."

Jensen could barely recall the conversation he'd had with Kim earlier. He wondered if he had told him _everything_ he'd seen in Jared house. The next words out of Kim's mouth confirmed he had.

"Did you see anything besides the dead guy?"

His head gave a minute shake. "I-I don't know. The house was a mess and Jared was hurting. I didn't see past that."

Kim remained motionless as if lost in thought. "What have the doctors said?"

"Not much. They didn't let me stay, when they were working on him in the emergency room. After a while a nurse told me he'd been brought up here... There was so much blood, Kim." He furiously wiped his falling tears. "I don't know what happened, but I can imagine. It was bad, he's hurt real bad."

As the images attacked him again, his rage grew. The memory of Jared's hand clutching the bloody sheets between his legs crushed Jensen. How dare someone touch Jared like that? If Jensen had ever met a person that deserved it less, it was Jay. 

Something else crawled beneath his skin. A strong sense of possession had always accompanied Jensen's feelings toward Jared. He was Jensen's and vice-versa. Even as the thought surprised him a little, they had become a tight little circle. Now this horror had landed between them. Jensen prayed he would be able to reach across.

"What about Harley and Sadie? Where are they? Are they ok?"

Kim twitched, having gone still again. "They were taken to the Animal ER. I stopped there before coming here. It's five minutes away. Vet's getting a tox report, so she can flush out whatever's in their system." He smiled wirily. "Seems our girl took a bite out of the bastard. There was a piece of cloth in her mouth. Blood too."

"Good. I hope it hurt." Jensen returned a coarse smile with vivid eyes. "I'm telling you, if that guy was the _one_ , then I hope it _really_ fucking hurt."

After a while, Kim stood stiffly and let Jensen know he had to go. Arrangements needed to be made. Someone had to inform the rest of the cast and crew of the severe modifications to the schedule. He left, extracting a promise from Jensen to call as soon as he was notified of any changes.

Lacking the desire to walk to the bathroom, Jensen quickly changed into Dean's clothes. He narrowly missed the chance of being caught literally with his pants down when there was a knock on the door. An older man with icy-blue eyes entered the room.

"Are you Mr. Ackles?" Receiving a nod as affirmation, he extended his hand and continued, "I'm Doctor Moriarty. We just finished surgery on your friend."

Jensen's heart stopped. "How is he? Is he going to be okay?"

"Mr. Padalecki's in recovery. We repaired the internal damage and he's responding well to the antibiotics and blood loss treatment."

"How..how bad was it?"

Moriarty watched Jensen intently. "You know, Mr. Padalecki regained consciousness briefly in the ER. He was very confused, but he asked for you." The doctor deemed this enough to continue, while Jensen bit his lower lip to refrain from howling. 

"There's a large number of bruises and lacerations covering his body and very clear evidence that he was sexually assaulted. That caused a lot of internal injury, but as I said, it's repaired now. Also, there's bruising on his left flank that indicates the use of a stun gun. He was partly dehydrated as well."

Jensen could taste blood at that moment. "When can I see him?"

"It will probably take about an hour to get him settled in a room. He's going to have to stay for some days at least. Nurse Ballantyne informed me that his family is quite far from here, is that right?"

"Yes, Texas, but I'm here. I want to stay with him."

"After what's happened to him, he's going to need the company. In cases like this, the patient's state of mind is always a concern. Right now, he's unconscious, but he should see a friendly face when he wakes up."

"How long will that take?"

"His body has been through a lot, so it could take a while. He'll be very disoriented at first. We just have to be patient."

Jensen could do patient. For Jared, he could do anything.

~o~

It was forty-five minutes later when two orderlies pushed the stretcher carrying Jensen's precious cargo. He had waited a while in the staff lounge, but had grown restless and decided to pace the hallway. Every faraway movement caused him to jump hopefully, only to sink back dismally. However, even from afar, he could not mistake Jared's mop of brown hair.

Jensen watched politely as the orderlies settled Jay in. He inquired as to the several bags that hung on his IV and the tube inserted into his nose. Antibiotics, volume expanders for blood loss, a sodium chloride solution. The tube would be in place for two or three days. It would drain his digestive system while it healed. Even though all of them helped Jared, he couldn't prevent being overwhelmed. 

Nurse Ballantyne had entered shortly afterward, handing him a hospital quilt. _"It gets cold,"_ she had said. He had smiled humbly, scratching the three-day stubble on his face and thanked her for everything.

Quickly after being left alone with a sleeping Jared, he sat down in the bumpy chair next to him. Jensen brushed his hand through his younger friend's wet hair. The nurses had tried to wash off the smell of violation from him. His face was pale and under the bruises, he looked much younger than his twenty-five years. His wrists were bandaged and the paper gown he sported did not hide the bite marks that concentrated on his collarbone. 

Jensen tucked the sheets over Jared higher, covering him to the neck. He wrapped himself in his quilt and lay back on his chair. As he held Jared's curled hand in his own, he bleakly thought it was past midnight in San Antonio. There were so many unwelcomed calls to make.

_God, Jay. What are we going to do?_


	3. Chapter 3

_A soft fading light shone over his head. He sat awkwardly on a weathered park bench, under the shadow of an angel statue. The cracked moldy hands rested down its sides, its palms and fingers slightly upward in a calming gesture. Granite skin seemed to move as if taking breaths. For a few seconds, Jared thought he could see pumping veins beneath the gray. Except it was just stone, not a living thing._

_Along the pathway beneath his feet, trees surrounded him. Their engulfing branches shook off the dried leaves in a shudder that ran across his skin. Somewhere on his right, a wave of whining and harsh panting rolled by. As he sharply turned his head to the sound, it shifted to his back and growls accompanied it. Jared's vision blurred._

_He felt like every breath was a drowning man's last shot, his nerve-endings frayed. Nevertheless, a strange near-numbness shrouded him and he couldn't decide which sensation was safer. Both were screaming for his attention. He opted for the numbness, even as he noted a dull pounding around the center of his body. He was confused and completely lost._

_Jared tried to stand, but his legs gave the impression they were fused to the bench. The wind hammered against him. He sensed its sting on his skin and his muscles throbbed with the effort to keep his hold. However, when Jared looked down at the pathway in front of him, the leaves gathered there did not move. His clothes didn't rustle and his hair kept in place. He felt nothing._

~o~

Jensen pressed the bridge of his nose and let out a deep breath. He clutched the phone in his hand hard, wanting it to shatter before the call got through. A sleep-laden woman's voice answered before the desire to hang up swept him.

"Hello?" 

He tried to keep the falter out of his voice. "Mrs. Padalecki? It's Jensen Ackles." 

Instantly, the voice on the other end sobered up. "Jensen? ...Something's wrong." There was no question in her tone.

"I'm sorry...he's in the hospital. Umm, he's had surgery." He wanted to find words that wouldn't tear her apart, but knew it was impossible. 

Haltingly, she asked, "Is he alright? What happened?" Jensen could hear sheets shuffling and a man's voice in the background. _What's going on? Who is it?_

"He... I found him in his house earlier. There was a break-in. He- he was beat up. Had some internal bleeding. I was away. I'm sorry." Unsuccessfully, he struggled to hold his tears. "Doctor said it'll be a while before he wakes up. I'm so sorry." He covered his face with his free hand, trying to build a wall between the world and his self-proclaimed failure.

"Oh God," she gasped. "I knew something was wrong. He didn't call...he always calls."

_Is it Jay? Is he okay? Sherri, what happened?_

Jensen couldn't bring himself to tell her everything. That was Jay's decision to make. Although, with the wounds he carried, Jensen didn't think he would be able to hide it. The shuffling got louder as Jared's father continued to question his wife. Her muffled voice reached his ears between bouts of nervousness. Jensen became dizzy with it.

"Jensen, it's Jerry. We'll be getting on a plane as soon as possible. Are you with him, son?" There was a considerable panic in his voice.

"Yes, they let me stay."

Jerry sounded a little relieved. "Good. Don't leave him, okay?"

"I won't," Jensen maintained.

"What did the police say? Do they know who did this?"

"I haven't talked to the police yet. They were at the house when we left in the ambulance." Jensen took a deep breath. "There was someone in there... It's a mess. I think the cops will take a while to sort it out."

"What do you mean?" Jerry's voice abruptly hardened. "Was it the bastard that hurt Jared?"

"I don't know. He was dead."

All Jensen could hear then, was a sharp intake of air. "Jensen, stay with him, please. We're on our way now."

~o~

_There was no way to tell how much time had passed. Nothing changed in the atmosphere, except for the source of the growls and whines. Nausea ran rampart through his body as he kept whipping his head to try and catch it. Suddenly, he spotted a figure in his peripheral vision. It was his mother standing several feet in front of him. She had a blank look in her face._

_Jared tried to call out to her, but found he couldn't. His throat hurt too much and his mouth was extremely dry. Frantically, he stuck his long fingers between his lips, convinced there was something in there, suffocating him. Phantom burns started trailing over his body. His nose stung. With tears surging in his eyes, he saw his mother disappear. He kept calling out to her, voice finally coming in a rough whisper. Mom...Momma..._

_He fidgeted uselessly on the bench, willing the numbness to return. Jared hated the way his body felt then, over-sensitive and foreign. Slowly, the deadness began to leech back into his skin, but the cement apparently lodged in his mouth didn't leave. Dots danced before his eyes when he heard sounds coming from somewhere near. The voice caused warmth to spread close to the pulsations in his belly and over his head._

"It's okay, Jay...She'll be here soon, baby."

_He couldn't see Jensen, but he recognized his presence. He was tired of the place, desperately wanting nothing more than to be back with Jensen. The wish to see his family was strong too, but oddly, he was wary of it. He was ashamed and knew there was a reason, he just couldn't remember it. Jared absorbed the tranquility Jensen provided, practically catching even his smell. Though the calm was sadly short-lived._

_In a whirl of flashes, he was swiftly surrounded by running patches of bloody fur and the clinking of glass. The throb in his guts intensified and came with a sharp flare of pain centered somewhere lower. Degradation swallowed him and he felt exposed and raw. There were yelps and muffled screams Jared dazedly recognized as his own. He anxiously covered his ears, praying it would stop._

_What was being offered there was too much to take. He wanted to yell at the uproar to leave him alone. He wanted to go home._

~o~

The house was definitely chaos. She almost had to trapeze amidst the many numbered cards laying on the floor, marking the assorted pieces of the crime committed within. Detective Jennifer Pauls carefully made her steps down the hallway, stopping short in front of the bathroom. Her partner was inside, squatted by the toilet, intently looking at bloody bare footprints. He was several years her senior, both in age and experience. More her teacher than anything else. She flicked her dark curls behind her shoulder and cleared her throat.

"What took ya so long?" Anthony Crowell's normally gruff voice was even more jagged.

She squinted hard at him. "It was my day off, remember? I was two hours away at that thing with Chloe. Then I couldn't find a babysitter and you know getting Jacob to take her at the last minute is close to impossible." She cocked her head as she looked at the taped silhouette of a dead body behind her partner. "I called the hospital. He's out of surgery, but unconscious. It'll be a while before we can talk to him."

"Yeah? What'd they find?"

"There was semen present, plenty of evidence of force. A lot of damage. Probably done by an object. Doc said he was ripped apart inside." She looked quizzically. "Maybe more than one object."

Crowell winced as he stood up, brushed a hand through his salt and pepper hair. "Techs found a stun gun in the bedroom. This kid is a big guy-"

"Perp used it to subdue him." She automatically finished his thought. "How did he get in?"

"Alarm system came with the house. Padalecki's just renting it. They went with the cheapest. Pretty easy to bypass." He shrugged, "All he needed was tin foil and a screwdriver. Back window shows signs of forced entry."

"So he breaks in and waits for Padalecki to get home and disable the alarm?"

As he nodded, Crowell responded, "There's signs of struggle in the living room. They really went at it." He led Jennifer toward the hallway. "Fight leads to this hallway. Room to the right is busted open. Have no clue what happened there. One of the dogs was in there. The one with trace in her mouth was in the kitchen, nasty cut to the side." To her questioning gaze, he answered, "Vet called."

"God, who does that?" She bristled at the thought as she walked into the master bedroom. If the house was chaotic, the room looked like a nuclear bomb had gone off. There even more numbered cards. "We have to talk to his co-star. The one who found him. Ackles, is it? Got to know which mess belongs to who."

Jennifer rounded the blood-soaked king-sized bed and noted the pieces of rope still dangling from the frame. "One of them's not..." She pointed to the one on the left side of the bed. "This one snapped."

"Ackles told the paramedics he found it like that. Padalecki still had the other end on his wrist when they took him to Vancouver General." 

She crouched and, with the temple of her black glasses, poked the rope wedged between the headboard and the side frame. "Makes you wonder how bad it must have been..."

With her head at that level, her eyes went to the top of the night table next to the bed. A film of whitish dust covered it. "Did you see this?"

"Sample's already been taken." He swiped his finger gently over it and touched it to his tongue. It left a bitter numbness behind. "It's cocaine."

"You think Padalecki's a user?"

"Who could tell? I don't think so, though. I talked to his neighbors. Lady next door said he's a friendly, down to earth guy. Not a Hollywood party type at all." 

Seemly convinced, she stood and faced Crowell. "What about the dead guy?"

"No identification, no distinguishing marks, as far as the preliminary exam went. Coroner found a stab wound in his right flank." He scrunched his eyebrows. "I'm thinking he's the perp."

It was a habit of them to voice their opinions aloud. Most of the time they shared the same ones. "What gave him away?" 

"Just my gut feeling." He subtly smirked. "The bloody leather gloves. And the chunk of skin missing from his arm, which I'm pretty sure came courtesy of the dog." He sucked on his teeth as they stepped out back to the hallway. "The soles of his boots were bloody too. See the footprints?"

"Not all of them are his."

"No, I think Padalecki must have been moved around, if the bare ones belong to him." He headed to the bathroom door. "There's semen in here, on the floor, as well as on the bed. Blood on the toilet seat and the floor, though who knows who it belongs to."

"He was assaulted here too? Or maybe it was two perps?"

"Could be. If not, the guy was all over the place. Probably high out of his mind and drunk, judging from all the empty bottles around."

Jennifer looked straight at Crowell. "If it was just him, how did he wind up dead? I really doubt he killed himself.".

He grinned, "I'll get back to you on that."

~o~

Another shift of nurses had come by to check on Jared's vitals and incision. Jensen hadn't managed to keep his eyes away from the angry horizontal line across his lower abdomen. He'd wanted to cry, but it felt trivial to do so when Jared had been in so much pain before. And he surely would be again when he woke up.

Light from the emergent sunrise filtered through the simple bay windows. Jensen's stomach growled as he remembered his last meal had been an early breakfast the day before. _Before._

Jay had been gutturally mumbling most of the night. Jensen had stroked his forehead and hands, hoping it would reassure him that he wasn't alone, that it was over. Though, he wasn't so sure it was. Jared's closed eyes would take flight underneath his lids and Jensen had even tried humming nonsense to keep his dreams away from the living nightmare he had endured.

His cell phone had been turned off after the call to the Padalecki's. The emotional strain harassing him made him give up on any other interactions. Everyone else would have to wait. He thought to call Danneel, but halted. The blame he placed on himself for not being there had reached her a little. Jensen felt terrible for doing it, but he couldn't help it. So much of his core was there in the room with him. He had fallen asleep with his lips on the back of Jay's hand, head resting uncomfortably on the hospital bed. His dreams had been plagued by visions of losing a part of his heart. 

When he woke, he could still feel the ache in his chest. Though hunger was quickly becoming an issue. He hated to leave Jared alone and was partly relieved when the knock at the door turned out to be Eric Kripke. Eric had very dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes, tell-tale signs of an overnight flight. He gave Jensen a one-armed hug and his face distorted when he looked at Jared.

"How is he?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"Still out of it. I think he's trying, though."

"I told Kim to put production on hold. I don't know what's gonna happen with the strike looking more likely, but I need you both and this is just..." He trailed off, notably flustered. "It all depends on him, what he wants to do." His eyes widened abruptly. "Do his parents know?"

Jensen nodded, afraid to say something, lest he break the scattered train of thought in Kripke's head. Even if Eric had made a different decision, he would have risked a breach of contract because no one could make him leave Jared's side. 

Eric appeared to know that when he asked, "Is there anything you need, Jensen? Clothes, a pillow, food?"

"All of the above would nice."

"I'll make the calls. You won't even have to leave the room."

With an awkward smile, Kripke left the room for a few minutes, leaving Jensen to watch Jared's chest rise and fall. When the mumbling started again, his hand shot up on its own accord to rub the creases in Jay's forehead. He continued the motion after Eric came back.

"At least his fever's gone down. He was just burning up when I found him," he softly stated.

Eric gripped his shoulder tightly. "We'll get through this Jensen, okay?"

Jensen dipped his head, closed his eyes and let out a breath.

"Somebody, I don't know who, is gonna come by and bring you stuff. I'll go to get you some food now. Hope you don't mind the hospital cafeteria."

Jensen quietly chuckled as he shook his head. Sometime later, he had a foam lunch box filled with runny eggs and sausages on his lap. Kripke stayed close to an hour, musing on the state of affairs in LA and his fears of putting people out of work once the strike hit. Both would stop their whispered conversation every time Jared twitched, never keeping him out of their sight. Jensen mentally thanked Eric for the respite from his lonely perch, half-enjoying the calm before the inevitable storm later.

~o~

_He had seen practically his entire family, along with most of his co-workers. He had not seen Jensen. Jared could sort of feel him and smell him, but an actual vision of Jensen had yet to materialize. The waves of sound never left him though. He had managed to determine that the growls were actually his dogs and that fed his hunger to stand and run after them even more. Under the cacophony, the pain in his body had subsided, only to leave a void in its place._

_Suddenly, as quickly it all started, it ended. A sharp voice to his left startled him._

_"I had nothing against you, you know?" A blond-haired man stood resting against the angel statue. His lips didn't move as his words continued. "You came and went, didn't stand in my way, but I saw it, princess. You can't have her..."_

_Jared knew he had heard the man's words before. They weren't imagined, they were imprinted in his brain. He didn't want to remember. The man then jerkily walked toward him, as if he were walking the same path in different moments in time. A tendril of hair escaped his ponytail, framing his angular face. Up close, where Jared almost hyperventilated in discomfort, he saw the man's pupils were completely blown. The dark green irises were practically non-existent._

_"She never looked at_ me _like that..."_

_Jared choked when he realized he had seen this man's face as well. It had been that close too._

_"Come on, princess. You gotta relax or it's gonna break. We don't want that now, do we? At least, not yet..."_

_Jared sobbed when he saw his girl Sadie through the man's legs, shuffling and limping, a trail of blood behind her. Harley was still farther, motionless._

_"Goddamn bitch! I'll fucking rip you apart..."_

_He heard himself plead mortified. "Please."_

_"All you gotta do with virgins is take it nice and slow. Make them really beg..."_

_"No."_

_"What do you think your daddy'll say? Huh? Knowing you came apart with my cock up your ass..."_

_"Stop. Jensen, help."_

"Shh, buddy. I'm here. Not going anywhere. You gotta keep fighting."

_He found himself on his knees in his bathroom and on his bed, on his back, wrists burned raw. The pain in his body escalated until all he saw was black. When he opened his eyes, he sat on a bench in a park that reminded him of nowhere. The now-familiar pounding in his belly a faraway ache. The man now sat beside him, leisurely drinking a beer. The bottom of the bottle dripped with blood, as did the hand holding it. He spoke as if they were old friends._

_"I once knew this girl, right? She had the same brown hair, but she didn't come close." Every word made the hurt deepen. "This girl was the kind that matched everything. Her clothes, her shoes, her bag. Even her house. Bed sheets had to match the curtains and the rug and the throw pillows... I never understood throw pillows."_

_Jared's eyes didn't leave the man's hand and the bottle, with their steady trickle of blood. They didn't seem to run out of it. "Her fiancée or boyfriend, whatever, he came home as I was getting busy, you know?" A lurid look ran across his face. "So, I hid behind the door and in he comes. Sees the cunt gutted on the bed." He laughed, "That was the first time I balled a guy. Wasn't any different... I left their heads on the coffee table. You know, to help with the decorum."_

 

The first thing he felt was the agonizing pain in his lower belly. Followed by the exhaustive burn all over his body. Jared opened his eyes and his scream was suppressed by the tube running into his nose and down his throat.

His voice wouldn’t come out, but in his mind all he could do was scream. _"Jensen!"_


	4. Chapter 4

Never had he come to hate something so fast. This was the second time Jensen had seen that truly bewildered expression on Jared's face. In less than twenty-four hours, no less and it killed him. Jay kept trying to pull at the tube in his nose and he was mouthing raspy pleas. The IV bags fluttered in the mid-morning light as Jared agonizingly wrestled to climb out of the bed. Jensen fought to constrain his friend's wandering movements, all the while telling him he was going to hurt himself. When he finally managed to retain some control over his co-star, Jay's face twisted in anguish and he started crying quietly, clenching his eyes. His body felt thin and weak. Jensen was certain he was unaware of his surroundings. The thought made him lurch. 

"Jay, it's me, Jensen. Open your eyes, you're safe," he softly reassured. Running his thumbs over Jared's shoulders, he continued to repeat the phrase until Jay's quickened breaths slowed and he tentatively looked at him. Under a mask of pain and tears, he seemed to recognize what Jensen's presence meant. As he struggled to find his voice, Jensen shushed him. "Don't try to talk yet. You have a tube in there, but it's for your own good." Jensen aimed to smile at his friend but, in his nervousness, it came out looking like a grimace. He started the now familiar motion of running his hand through the untamed hair. "Also, a brush might do you good."

Jared flinched weakly, making him retrieve his hand unconsciously. Jared shook his head then and unsteadily reached to grab Jensen's hand into his own. He silently mouthed the words _don't leave._

"Okay, okay. I'm gonna push the button for the nurse. Are you hurting?" _Stupid question, you idiot. Of course he's hurting._

Jared closed his eyes. Jensen pushed the call button and wondered if he would be alone again when Jay snapped awake, a painfully anxious expression spread over his face. Tube apparently forgotten, harsh sounds escaped Jared's throat.

"No, Jay. Let me read your lips. Or try to whisper...slowly."

In a barely audible tone, he obeyed. "Where...where...are...they?"

In less than a second, Jensen knew what he was asking about. "They're okay." His smile came easier then. "They're gonna be fine."

A faintly disbelieving look passed Jared's face. He whimpered. "Someone...said...killed..." 

"No, no. He lied. I called the animal hospital about an hour ago." His face sobered a little. "They were drugged with some tranquilizers, but the vet flushed them out. Sadie took some stitches, but she's a strong girl. They're both strong, just like their daddy."

The younger man rolled his eyes and Jensen wasn't sure if it was a skeptical gesture or maybe Jared's disorientation was taking its toll. He froze at what came out of his mouth next.

"Hurts...what...happened?"

Dread formed in Jensen's stomach. If Jared didn't remember, he really didn't want to be the one to remind him. And if God existed, then Jay would never remember and he could keep him safe from any harm. Though Jensen knew such miracles were impossible.

He cleared his throat and asked, "What do you remember?"

Jared opened his mouth as if to answer and appeared to choke on the words. His chin started to tremble as he fought to control his recurring tears. Thoughtlessly, he let Jensen's hand go and brought both arms to cradle his belly. 

"He...he...oh my God..." he murmured.

Jensen blinked slowly, swallowing the screams shaping within. He saw Jared's stare change, at first terrified and dismayed, but then shameful as his eyes slipped sideways. He looked away from him. _No no no. Don't shut me out._

"Jay, buddy, it's not your fault. Don't..." He circled the bed, trying to keep visual contact with Jared. The latter was loudly gasping. He went to hide his face with his needle-laden hand and stopped short when he saw the bandages around his wrist. Jensen widened his eyes when he realized Jared started to gag. He was struggling to lay on his side, to give his back to Jensen. The pain made him cry out instead.

"Jay, stop. You're gonna rip out the tubes." He couldn't keep the sobs out of his voice. "Please, stop." The whole ordeal was beginning to crack his resistance. At that moment, there was a knock on the door and an affable-looking nurse came in.

"Was there something you needed?" She quickly took in the scene before her. "Did he wake just now?"

Jensen hurriedly nodded. "Yeah, he's not..." He gulped. "I can't get him to calm down."

"It's alright." An air of professionalism covered her. "Mr. Padalecki, my name is Polly Fullerton and I'm one of your nurses. Try to calm down. We don't want your stitches to rupture, okay?"

Speechless, Jensen focused his watery eyes on the way Jared's fingers whitened at the pressured hold he kept on the bed rails. When he managed to catch Jared's gaze again, he willed his thoughts to project into his best friend's mind. _Don't run away from me, please. You hurt, I hurt. I can't live without you._

Polly kept talking as Jared held Jensen's stare. "You have to lay back down, or it will get worse. If you calm down, I can get the doctor and give you something for the pain."

Jared stilled but his breaths kept sharp and heavy. The nurse continued to encourage him to stay. When he was fully flat on his back again, she carefully checked his sutures. Gently, Polly cleaned the beads of blood gathered on some of them and left the room. The only thing circling between the four walls was the sound of both Jared's and Jensen's contained grief. 

Jensen sat stiffly on the chair and placed his hands near Jared's on the bed rail. He didn't dare touch him again. He was sure his friend was hanging by a thread. 

When Polly finally came back with the on-call doctor, a serious man in his mid-thirties, Jared was injected with a pain-relieving sedative. He closed his eyes almost immediately. The nurse then told Jensen he had a message from a Detective Pauls. 

"I don't think Jared's up to that yet. Why can't they wait?" he inquired in a hush.

She shook her head and answered in the same tone, "She said they wanted to talk to you first."

"Does it have to be now?"

"We can keep them away for a while if you want, but it might be best to help them in the investigation as soon as possible." She smiled tensely.

After some consideration, he asked, "Do I have to leave the hospital?"

"No. Detective Pauls said they were coming over here in a few minutes."

"Well, okay," he stated resignedly.

At that point, Jared began tossing feebly, no doubt trapped in another nightmare. Tentatively, Jensen smoothed his hand over his forearm. His stifled whimpers hit Jensen like a herd of one-two punches. It was only then he understood when people talked about how much real love hurt. 

 

Two hours later, he sat dazed in the chair beside a still sleeping Jared. He had spent a good fifty minutes in the staff lounge. Detectives Pauls and Crowell, apparently as tired as he was, made him describe everything he'd seen the day before, over and over. He knew the two noticed the many times he'd choked on his own bile. However, even as they remained considerate, they fired question after question, wanting to get the clearest picture possible. Though Jensen's own understanding became more muddled. Most of _his_ inquiries were met with _"we'll need more information before we can answer that"._ He'd left the interview feeling angry and powerless. That was still preferable to what he felt when he heard the room's door open. 

Jared's parents entered hesitantly. Sherri's face crumpled when she saw her son's condition, Gerry keeping a stoned expression on his. Jensen couldn't help it when he tuned out and looked downward, as if they could see everything he'd seen in his eyes. He was partly aware of Sherri's quiet sobs and jumped when he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you, Jensen. For staying." Gerry's tone was wrecked as a breaking dam holding a river.

Jensen couldn't speak, he just nodded. He kept his silence while Sherri whispered to Jared and caressed his scraped cheeks, brushing his stubble. She seemed unable to stop touching her son, as if he might disappear if she lost contact. Gerry just looked stunned, like the wind was forced out of him.

"Who is his doctor? I want to know what happened to my boy." He never took his eyes off Jared.

Jensen's stomach clenched, but responded, "The surgeon was a Doctor Moriarty." He shifted slightly on his seat and skirted his words as much as he could. "He said Jay had some injuries and bleeding..." 

Sherri's glassy stare drove straight into him. "What kind of injuries? What kind of surgery did he have?"

Voice almost too thick to continue, he tried to answer without babbling. "Doctor said there was bleeding in his belly. I don't know-" He found it very hard to lie and manage eye contact. "He got injured in the assault. I mean, he fought back against the guy. The cops think it's the dead guy. The one who hurt Jay. They- they said there were signs of a fight-"

"Wait a minute, Jensen." Gerry stopped him. "The police were here?"

"Yes, two detectives. They want to talk to Jay later, when he's feeling better." He was momentarily relieved in the shift of questions.

"Did they say anything about the body?"

"Just that they think he was the one who attacked Jared. They haven't ID'd him yet."

Gerry nodded and remained quiet. Minutes later, he excused himself, saying he wanted to find Jared's doctor. Sherri carried on stroking her son's arm, lost in thought. Her fingers danced over the bandages on his wrists as her tears continued. Jensen didn't know what to do. He nervously wiped his hands over the rips on his jeans. _His,_ since the promised bag of personal items had arrived earlier via an assistant. He was studying the cracks on the floor when Sherri broke out of her reverie and asked if Sandy had been contacted.

_Shit._ Jensen had completely forgotten Jared's girlfriend. At the massive twist in his face, she assured him, "Don't worry, I'll call her later." She then asked if Jared had regained consciousness. 

"This morning, just for a little while," he numbly replied.

"He seems so out of it."

"They gave him a sedative. He kinda freaked out."

"Oh." She looked at her boy and back at Jensen. "Is there something you're not telling us?"

A prickly sensation ran down his spine. He did not want to be the bearer of anymore horrific news. "Maybe we should wait for the doctor." As his eyes brimmed with tears, he mutely thought, _I'm so fucking tired of questions._

~o~

Jennifer kicked her ankles boots under the desk she shared with her partner in the middle of the detectives' bullpen. After noisily hanging the phone receiver she held, she bleakly stated, _"I officially hate network executives."_

Crowell grunted. "What did they want now?"

"Just to let us know that they fully encourage our investigation. And would we mind keeping them updated? And could we please hurry up and solve the case? As quietly as possible, of course." She rolled her eyes and murmured, " _'The CW is a very proud supporter of the Vancouver Police Department'._ Vultures."

Crowell shook his head. "I think we're past the third-grade attitude."

"I know, it's just frustrating. I've maybe slept six hours in the last three days, Chloe's having a hard time with Science class, our victim's unable to talk yet and, stop me here," she lowered her voice, "we're investigating the death of someone who possibly deserved more than he got."

"Certainly seems that way."

"I don't think this was our John Doe's first time." She began their usual dance.

"Nope... He knew how to break-in without engaging the alarm, came prepared for the dogs. Made himself at home."

"He had to know he would have time to do it. I mean, he stopped to eat, for Christ's sake. More than once." She cracked her knuckles. "And the burnt off fingerprints? Screams psycho serial to me."

"What gets me is the brutality of it. No just rape for the power or gratification. It seems to me there was anger, _hate."_ Crowell blew out his breath. "You don't get to a place like that randomly. There had to be something else. He was probably stalking Padalecki."

"Probably would have killed him if he wasn't stopped..."

Just then, a mail room employee silently dropped a couple of heavy envelopes on their desk and wheeled away. Jennifer started opening them and scanned page after page of the autopsy report and lab test results, passing some to her partner. She inwardly winced when she learned of what was found on the knife handle, the bottom of one of the beer bottles and the man's right leather glove. 

John Doe had definitively deserved more. The guy had been a sadist.

Preliminary testing determined that the blood in the house was Jared's, except the pool leading out of the bathroom. The semen samples in the bedroom belonged to both men and she knew better than to find that uncommon. Physiological reactions and such. Cause of death had been evident. The knife had pierced his right lung. He had drowned in his own blood. Time of death had been sometime between five and seven Sunday morning. Jensen Ackles' 911 call was timed at four-forty three in the afternoon. _Such a long time to be alone and hurting._

As she kept reading, Crowell, submerged in his own papers, suddenly cursed, "Fuck."

"What?"

"We're going to have to call the kid's doctor. Son of a bitch had gonorrhea."

"Ugh, that's awful." She closed her eyes. "Tell me now I should value all human lives...Do we really have to punish whoever killed this bastard?"

Jennifer dropped her pages and opened the file of crime scene photos splayed over the desk. Crowell looked at them, particularly those of the bedroom, seemingly lost in thought. "Maybe we won't have to."

Rubbing her eyes, she asked, "Why?"

"We need to talk to him."

~o~

Jared rested his head against the bay window, hugging a navy blue robe around his stiff body. He couldn't sit and his legs shook like a newborn colt's, but he was sick and tired of the bed. Of being confined. His breaths painted the window and he bleakly thought it was a trick of the light. He didn't feel alive.

Thankfully, his nasogastric tube had been removed and he had been allowed to go to the bathroom by himself. Although, he had to fight his mom for the right. They had met halfway, by leaving the door slightly ajar. The water temperature had been uneven during most of the shower and he had cried with mixed emotions under the spray. He'd kept his eyes closed, not daring to look at the damage inflicted on his body. He had touched and that had been enough. He didn't want to really know what he could so painfully feel.

Jared wished his body could forget as his mind had apparently tried to do. The memories were there, some as plain as day, but others were in deep lagoons he didn't want to swim through. Those came in his dreams, tightly wrapped in riddles he had no will to solve. He saw the man's face every time he slept, saw his every disjointed gesture. And he wished to understand. What the hell had he done to deserve something so awful? What had his dogs done? Sadie had only tried to defend him. He could still hear her cry.

Jensen had sworn they were okay, but their yelps were seared into his mind. He missed them.

After he had woken in a haze to see that his parents were there, a panic attack almost overtook him again. Feeling their broken gazes on him, Jared instantly knew they had been told of his ruin. In the warm embrace of his mother, he let loose wracking sobs that jarred his wounds. He had whispered to his father that he was sorry, _"so sorry Dad",_ unable to look him in the eye. He had been lost in the pain. Faraway, he'd heard his father telling him everything would be okay, in a voice he'd never used before. Even farther, he saw Jensen facing the door, one hand across his belly and the other covering his eyes. He looked terrible.

Sandy hadn't been called at his request. Jensen had texted her on his behalf, to quench the worry on her many voicemail messages. _Jared's sick, nothing major, will call when he has time._ He wouldn't be able to bear the look on her face. Not yet.

His parents had stayed for two and a half days straight, changing out of their bags and eating in the hospital cafeteria. He had been put on a liquid diet and they seemed to want to suffer along with him. Although, he had recently graduated to oatmeal and gelatin. Jensen hadn't stayed the night since the first one, causing his dreams to remain without relief. He couldn't feel the calming presence of his friend if he wasn't near. Fearing his parents would get hurt, he didn't dare tell Jensen.

Even so, his friend came every day, completely out of visiting hours. Apparently the network had pulled some strings. And if he let himself feel anything at all, maybe he would be grateful. But his mind wandered where he didn't want it to, so he passed the days in a hushed trance. He strained to pull everything so deep he could pretend to be numb. The medication helped to some extent. 

As he watched the Vancouver population moving on the street below, he noticed Jensen was late. Earlier during the day, Jared had convinced his parents to find a hotel and get some rest. They had looked exhausted and he assured them he wouldn't be going anywhere. Truth be told, he was weary of their injured expressions, feeling guilty for causing them. Every second he spent being watched, his desire to scream grew.

Jensen looked at him differently, though, maybe because he had seen Jared in a much worse state. Jay was glad for the small smile that crossed his friend's face when he saw him, even if he couldn't return it yet. He was even glad for the comment that he had finally managed to grow a beard in the six days he hadn't shaved.

When he heard the knock on the door, he let out a sharp gust of air. 

"Where are your parents?" Jensen's tone was worried.

"I sent them to find a hotel." Jared turned slowly, voice raspy. 

"They could have stayed in my apartment, you know?"

He shook his head, "No, they needed to rest." He paused. "So do you."

Jensen's face turned falsely indignant. "I do not. I'm as healthy as a horse."

"Well, you don't look so pretty anymore." He half-smirked and pointed to Jensen's drained face and scruffy beard.

Jensen smiled widely, apparently ecstatic with Jared's rudeness. Jared stepped gradually to the bed and carefully lowered himself to rest against the edge of the mattress. The pressure on his backside felt terrible. He waved off Jensen's attempt to help, biting his lips.

"You came later than usual."

"Actually, about that..." He smiled again. "I brought you something."

Jared took in his friend's empty hands and raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"Well, I couldn't bring them, you know, rules and whatnot. But, I have video."

Jensen reached into his jacket and produced a small video camera. His eyes danced as he tuned it and offered it to Jared. He gasped. The images across the small screen were of Harley and Sadie. He could clearly make out Jensen in his apartment and Sadie's sutured shoulder. Both dogs were wagging their tails at Jensen's hand motions.

"I told you they were alright. You see? The sitter's with them now, but they're staying with me until you get outta here."

"Thank you..." Jared couldn't control his streaming eyes. Without thinking, he pulled Jensen into a painful hug, camera smashed between them. He felt Jensen's hesitant arms around his shoulders and he cried harder. After a while, when his breathing became even, Jay drew away and looked down at the small screen again and wondered aloud, "Do you think her scar will fade?"

Jensen stared straight into his eyes. "I don't know, man. Maybe it won't, but that just means she's a survivor." 

"She- she was trying to help me." It was the first time Jared spoke of his weekend.

Jensen swallowed and replied, "Well then, that's a heroes' scar."

Jared nodded and remained quiet. He wanted to ask something from Jensen, but waited a few minutes to gather his courage. He knew it would be unpleasant for both of them. 

"Jen..." He looked at his friend through bright eyes. "I told the doctor to call the detectives. They're coming over to talk to me."

"Are you sure? You don't have to if you don't feel ready."

"I think I'll never feel ready." He blinked back tears. "I need to get this over with."

"Okay..." 

"I don't want Mom and Dad to be here for this, but I can't do it alone..." He hated feeling so vulnerable. "I know it's a lot to ask. If you don't want to, it's okay."

"Come on man. Don't worry about me." Jensen stroked him on the shoulder, his touch lingering for a few seconds. There was a tight smile on his face. "You don't have to go through this alone. We'll go at it together. I'm not leaving you." 

"Thank you." Jared shifted his gaze to the floor. "I don't even remember everything, don't know how much help I'll be. There's spots I just can't..."

"Just do your best, Jay. And I'll say it again, you don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said as he sat on the chair in front of Jared.

"No, I have to try." He struggled for a smile and ended with a frown. "Besides, isn't it my civic duty or something? Make sure it doesn't happen to someone else?"

A shadow crossed Jensen's eyes and Jay didn't fail to notice it. "What is it?"

"Nothing." He looked away at the window.

With a scowl, Jared replied, "I know you're lying, so tell me."

Jensen looked back at him and spoke carefully, "I don't want you to get upset." 

Jared's scowl grew. "What are you talking about?"

"Look," he clasped his hands together. "Your parents and your doctor thought that if you didn't know or remember, then we shouldn't tell you yet. We all thought it be best if we waited until you felt better."

"Tell me what?" he asked roughly.

"The guy that- that attacked you, he was in your house."

Jared widened his eyes. Worry immediately covered his face. "But you were there. Did he...hurt you?"

Jensen stood, "No! No, Jay." He gulped. "He was dead."

"He's dead?"

"Yeah."

Jared felt an icy wave rush through him. That was definitely unexpected. Blurry, non-recognizable images ran through his head and he got dizzy. Jensen detected his wavering and held his upper arms.

Stumbling, he said, "I-I don't remember..."

Caressing his arms, Jensen tried to comfort him, "Maybe there's nothing to remember. Maybe you don't know."

"But, what if...was there someone else in my house?"

When Jensen went to answer him, there was a tap on the door and Detectives Crowell and Pauls walked in.

"Are you feeling better, Mr. Padalecki?" asked the dark-suited woman.

Mutely, he nodded. The cold sensation in his body escalated at the sight of the detectives. He caught Jensen's intense gaze, caught the words written in his eyes, _are you sure?_

He wanted to answer what first popped in his head. _Not anymore, not of anything._

A whispered _"I have to,"_ is what came out instead.


	5. Chapter 5

Jared tried to find a comfortable position on the bed. There was none. He'd raised the upper part of his bed and stuffed a pillow underneath his lower back. Glad didn't even begin to describe what he felt, knowing the pain medication was doing its job. He kept his legs tucked beneath the covers and nervously tapped his fingers on his lap. He stopped when the burns on his thighs began smarting. Jensen sat on his now-usual post on the chair.

Jared scrutinized the detectives as they introduced themselves. Crowell reminded him of his high school History teacher with his graying hair and stretched frame. Pauls was definitely younger, though older than Jensen and him. Her dark hair was pulled in a distorted bun and she gave an air of disorganized effectiveness.

"How do you want to do this?" Jared's voice was deadened in his desire to calm his nerves.

"However it's easier for you," Crowell stated. "We know that it's painful to recount these events, but we need the information that you have, so we can maybe clear up this case."

"But if you need to stop, you just tell us, okay?" Pauls assured him.

Jared nodded and kept quiet. He stared at his covered legs for what seemed an eternity and then spoke, "Is he really dead?"

"The final tests haven't come back yet, but it's more than probable that the body in your home was that of your assailant," replied Crowell.

He paused for a minute before uttering, "How did he die?"

"He had a stab wound in his right flank, it perforated his lung." 

Jared took it all in before saying, "It's all jumbled in my head. I don't even know how..."

Pauls moved toward him and sat on the edge of the bed. "How about we ask you some questions and you just try to answer as best as you can?"

"Okay."

"Good." Crowell stepped closer. "As far as we know the last person you spoke to was your driver, Clif Kosterman?"

"Yes, he took me and the dogs home... There was nothing strange, you know? He left when I went inside."

"What happened then?"

Jared swallowed as he fought to control the swell of memories rushing at him. The only way he could do it was by picking the one they wanted and concentrating. He selected his words cautiously, not wanting to expose all the things that would make him lose it right there.

~o~

_He quickly turned the alarm system off and lit the house as he entered it. After dropping his backpack on the sofa, Jared tiredly walked to the kitchen to get some milk. As he opened the fridge, he thought of Jensen, who was probably 30,000 miles in the air._ Lucky bastard. _He took a drink directly from the bottle as his dogs sniffed around his feet. Just then Sadie, followed by Harley, ran off to the hallway barking, no doubt chasing some shadow. As he placed the milk container on the counter and wiped his mouth, Jared heard the most blood-curdling cries of his life. Something had happened to his dogs._

 _The pounding in his head was deafening as he rushed to the living room. He abruptly stopped when he saw a stranger standing in the entrance to the hallway. The man was gripping something black and rectangular-shaped in his hand. He wore a long-sleeved taupe t-shirt and blue jeans. His hands were covered by leather gloves. There was something feral in his eyes as he stared straight at Jared._

He's not bigger than me, _thought Jay. He rushed at him, his previous exhaustion gone in fear and anger. This man had hurt his babies and was currently preventing him from helping them._

_They became a tangled mess of limbs, each trying to bring the other under control. Jared managed to seize the stranger's wrist, twisting it until whatever he was holding dropped with a clank. The man hissed obscenities as he fought Jared's clutch, bucking like a wild bull. He blasted headfirst into Jared and toppled them over the back of the sofa. The coffee table gouged Jared's back, skidding into the TV console._

_Desperate, Jared grabbed his discarded backpack and swung it at the man's head, contents spilling everywhere. The path to the kitchen was the only escape route, so he dashed toward it. His heart raced as the man suddenly pushed him to the floor and flipped him on his back. He felt the cut in his back sting as he wrestled to meet every single punch that landed on him._

_The intruder may have been a couple of inches shorter, but he was strong and definitely knew how to fight. His verbal diatribe continued, but Jared grasped just sporadic words._ "Son of a bitch...you'll pay...fucking kill you..." _Jared's words tried to break out but stayed firmly trapped in his head. There was no sense of understanding, just the rabid need to get away, find his dogs and run._

_He was able to turn on his hands and knees and tried to scramble away, when he felt his hair being harshly pulled back. He connected his elbow hard into the man's ribs, who was partly draped on top of him. Jared struck again and again and struggled to stand. The hold on his hair wouldn't let up and his eyes watered from the pressure. Frantically, he kicked back and hit the man's inner thigh, very close to his groin. As the pressure relented, the thought of Harley and Sadie quickly took over. He stood and looked back. Satisfaction crept up inside him when he saw his attacker cupping his crotch._

_It was short-lived though. When Jared had almost reached the hallway, the stranger caught up to him and smashed him into the wall. The photo frames that hung there crashed loudly on the floor. The man's closed fist slammed into his stomach repeatedly, the blows keeping him straight. When the attack stopped, he folded in half, heaving. He dropped to his knees and had to brace himself with his arms to prevent from crashing all the way._

_Jared gathered his efforts into getting air inside his lungs. The coughing fit that followed almost made him vomit. He felt the man's steps move away from him, felt his voice penetrating the fog in his brain._

_"I had nothing against you, you know?" he said, exertion making him pant. "You came and went, didn't stand in my way." When he came back, he wrapped his forearm around Jared's throat and yanked him upright, his chest pressed tight against Jared's back._

_Jared sensed the push of something solid against his chin and the stranger's rough breaths blister on his cheek. "But I saw it, princess. You can't have her. She's mine."_

What the hell? _Jared was lost. He wanted to ask,_ What the fuck are you talking about? _But he was being hauled to the back of the hallway, toward the darkness of his bedroom. With every step he dragged, the man put more pressure on his airway. He found that if he complied the grip would loosen. When they passed the first door on the right, he saw the lamp had been turned on. Jared's eyes fixed on Harley's motionless figure inside. A surge of anger rushed through him and he slipped his attacker's grasp. He ran inside and slammed the door shut, rapidly turning the lock._

_Jared shuddered as he scanned the room. Both Harley and Sadie laid nearly side by side, unmoving. His heart was thumping in his chest in time with the kicks coming from the other side of the door. He dropped to his knees and fearfully ran his hands through the fur, a laugh escaping his lips after he noticed they were breathing. He was calculating how to carry almost two hundred pounds of dog out of the window when the door busted open. Too quickly, his jacket and shirt were being pulled upwards and a sudden and intense pain shot throughout his whole body. He felt his limbs lock in their position and the air left his lungs. And just as it was over, it started again._

_In a moment, Jared's world was black. When he opened his eyes, there was no telling how much time had passed. His muscles jittered uncontrollably and no matter how much he willed himself to move, he couldn't. Thoughts flooded him wildly._ What's happening? ...Why? ...Somebody help me... _He felt the press of the cold floor on his cheek. His mouth completely disobeyed his attempts to talk, only pitiful whimpers flowed out of him. The man turned him over, his body as lifeless as his dogs. There was an enraged look on the intruder's face as he pointed the stun gun at Jared. "You fucking deserved that. We'll see how much she's gonna want you when I'm through with you."_

_Jared saw the man bring his free hand back and tears coursed down into his hair. He was overwhelmed with his own helplessness. He didn't feel any pain when the fist connected with his face. Oblivion came too swiftly._

~o~

Jared closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "When I woke up again, I was on the bed already. He...he tied me up when I was passed out. Took off my shoes...I was so tired. I could hardly move." He steeled himself to go on. "Then he was there and he started cutting my clothes off."

"Was he using the knife?" Crowell inquired. When Jared confirmed that he was, he asked, "Was the knife his or did it belong to you?"

"He must have brought it with him, I'd never seen it before." He studied the older detective as the man kept writing on his notepad.

"Alright," replied Crowell. With an earnest look, he asked, "Can you continue?"

Jared looked at Jensen, his friend's face set in an indiscernible mask. He wanted to cry out to him, to hide from the moment and just...surrender. Instead, he nodded. "He kept talking about a girl...like I was doing something with his girl. I don't know what he meant."

"You're not involved with anyone who might have a jealous husband or boyfriend?" Pauls inquired softly.

"No, I've been with my girlfriend for over two years." The tapping on his thighs returned at the thought of Sandy. "He was talking crazy anyway. I asked him what he wanted and what he'd done to my dogs and he just told me to shut up..."

Jared felt his resolve break as every nudge he received from the officers uncovered a new terrible memory. When he told them how the man had shoved a piece of his underwear into his mouth and secured it with rope, he had to stop. He could still feel the thing lodged inside. He wasn't able to voice the moment when his dread had become so palpable he swore he could see it radiating off his skin. When the bed had dipped with the man's weight on him. When he felt the horror of the man's hands prying his unresisting legs apart.

With his head down and a burning humiliation running rampart through his body, Jared only managed to whisper that it had hurt. He lost control of his emotions at the memory of how the man had manipulated him throughout that first assault. How he had been almost gentle compared to the ones that followed. He'd said things that cemented Jared's shame at his own body's reaction. That made him see himself as a failure. Things he would never say aloud.

"I'm s-sorry...I-I don't...it's a mess after t-that." He kept his hand close to his face. "I remember he took a long time to f-finish at first. He would stop and snort some coke or leave. Then he would come back and he kept..." He found it was better to talk if he just covered his eyes. "He kept hurting me."

He clearly recalled the moment he heard Sadie wake from her forced lethargy, Harley still nowhere to be seen. He had lost track of time when he saw her shadows in the dim lights shining from the hallway. His assailant had been too busy inside him to notice her presence until her growls made it known. She had absorbed Jared's utter distress and started barking loudly. Angry, the man disengaged from him, leaving Jared torn and bleeding. 

His gag sucked his scream when, in response to her teeth ripping into his arm, the man kicked at her. He'd stormed off after her in a violent rant as he wielded the knife. Jared had been pulling ineffectively at the bonds on his wrists when the dog's cry turned him to stone. What came after it was a shredded recollection inside his head. 

He raised his flooded eyes to Jensen, who was holding himself still, small tremors running through his body. If they were caused by anger or despair, Jared couldn't tell. Maybe it was both.

The images that stampeded in his mind then suffocated him. They were running too fast for him to make sense of them. He panicked when he felt ghostly touches trailing along his skin. Jared couldn't take it anymore when his brain started to register pain deep within him. "I don't wanna do this...I need to stop."

The detectives looked at each other in silent communication, before Pauls smoothly said, "Maybe you could try to answer a couple more questions?"

That made Jensen immediately react. "You said he could stop whenever he wanted," he stated, his voice stressed.

She didn't miss a beat. "I know, Mr. Ackles, but there are things that only Jared can answer and the quicker we get to them, the quicker we can put this horrible business behind." She turned back to Jared. "Just two or three questions and we'll go."

He shuddered as he looked from Jensen's incensed face to her solemn one. He felt like a child throwing a tantrum. He hated it. "Okay."

"Thank you." She smiled sadly. "The technicians haven't found evidence of someone else in your home, but I suppose it could be possible. Did you see anybody else?" 

Jared shook his head. "Just him." He caught Crowell making more notes.

Pauls talked a little faster when she glimpsed at Jensen. "Okay, did he move you from the bed at any time?" Both officers stared directly at him.

For the first time in a long time, he was repulsed by the spotlight placed on him. Jared exhaled deep and shifted his eyes to Jensen's hands gripping the chair's armrests. He tried to pluck what they wanted from the river of memories streaming inside. His breath hitched when the answer to the question flashed before his eyes.

The man had taken him to the bathroom, hands roped behind his back. Jared had been almost relieved his degradation wouldn't have to include the lost control of his bladder. Although, after he'd been forced to sit on the toilet, _"like a good little bitch,"_ the stranger had thrown him on his knees, his forehead on the floor and brutalized him again. Jared had to remember that if he threw up he'd likely choke on his own sick when the man had ejaculated in his hair.

He gagged when he attempted to respond. Jared became trapped between the past and the present, not sure if he was slipping in the puddle his blood had made on the bathroom's floor or if he was just remembering it. "Umm...the bathroom...he tied me up to the bed again. I can't..." He covered his mouth.

Jensen stood quickly, "Come on! You can't do this to him!"

"Calm down, Mr. Ackles." Crowell raised a placating hand at Jensen. "The faster we deal with this, the faster it is over." He swung toward Jared. "I know you feel like you can't do this, but you're strong, you're a survivor." He paused. "Can you remember the last time you saw your assailant?"

Jared's voice was small, too small for a guy his size. "No."

Pauls hastily shot another question. "Do you remember when the rope snapped?"

He frowned as he looked at her. She cleared his puzzlement by adding, "The rope around your left wrist wasn't cut, it was frayed like it had snapped. Do you remember when that happened?"

Silence permeated the room then. Jared's mind was frozen. When he opened his mouth, he lost the meager breakfast he'd had earlier. All he saw next were blurs.

~o~

Jensen decided he had to answer Danneel's frantic calls when, in her last voicemail message, she had threatened to show up on his doorstep. It had been a week since he'd seen or talked to her. Between the trips to the hospital, his apartment seized by two overactive dogs and the constant calls concerning work, he was ready to collapse.

After much discussion, Jared had chosen that he would stay with Jensen when he was discharged. The decision had chagrined the younger man's parents, but Jay was adamant. He wanted to get back to work as quickly as possible and going back to Texas would delay his return. 

Jensen wasn't sure of his friend's decision when he still couldn't take five steps without wincing. What would a character as physically active as Sam Winchester do to his still-healing body? However, patience had never been one of Jared's virtues.

As Jensen drove the familiar trek to the hospital, he thumbed his cell phone over and over. An alcoholic fog smothered his brain. The attack on Jared and its results were consuming him and he knew it. A toxic headache hammered away between his temples and it seemed that sleep would elude him forever. He was incredulous when he realized that he'd rested better with the cat naps he'd taken that first day in the hospital than he did in his own bed. It was all related to knowing Jay was close, where he could reach out and feel.

As the buildings and traffic lights passed in a haze, Jensen felt like drowning. He was stuck in a world of could-haves and should-haves. He wished he could turn back time to that Friday and cancel all his travel plans. Even the mere mention of New York had him squirming. And Danneel...he had no words to describe how he felt when her face came into his mind.

During the long hours between saying goodnight to Jared and welcoming the sun with eyes wide open and a bottle in hand, his brain never ceased to calculate the difference between Jay's weekend and his. While he had enjoyed fine food and even finer wine, Jared had been robbed of his laughter. While Jensen had made love to his beautiful girl, Jay had been torn apart and left with a sexually transmitted infection. 

Just two days before, Jared had been given the news that he would need to start an antibiotic treatment to combat the bacteria. All attempts made by his parents and Jensen to distract him failed. He'd spent the day with a glum look on his face and had slept as much as he could. Jensen speculated on how he could kill an already dead man for taking away his friend's spark.

He pushed his girlfriend's name on his phone's screen, but stopped short before actually calling her. He couldn't fathom why he ran from her, he didn't want to try. For the moment, his evasive tactics had been working as good as Jared's regarding Sandy. 

When Jensen reached the hospital, after getting his toll ticket and saying good morning to George the parking attendant, his phone rang again. It was Danneel. As he circled the lot, he murkily answered. 

"Good morning."

"Finally! God, I've been so worried. Why haven't you returned my calls?" She sounded dismayed.

He swallowed hard, trying to chase away the cobwebs inside. "Hey babe," was all he could muster.

His tone sobered her quickly. "What's wrong, Jensen?"

Jensen stopped his SUV and signaled to the left, waiting for a parking spot to clear. He let his head drop on the steering wheel. "Everything..."

Danneel pushed him for a complete explanation, her degree of shock growing higher with every word he spoke. Jensen felt terrible for telling her all, but the imagery that accompanied what he'd learned from Jared's talk with the police made him feel weak. They belted out punishment with every breath he took. Maybe he deserved it for abandoning his best friend when he needed him most.

When she said she would get on a plane as soon as possible, Jensen froze. Afraid of what she might say if he voiced his opinion, he kept quiet. Jared would be discharged soon. Jensen wanted to be there, _all of him._

At his silence, she wondered, "You don't want me there?"

A morose feeling spread in his gut. "It's not that, Danneel. It's just...I have to be ready for whatever he needs."

"And you can't do that if I'm there, is that it?" she asked hesitantly. "I'll be in your way?" 

"Don't say it like that, please..." Jensen felt his control slipping out of his grasp like sand. "I wasn't there before, when he really needed help. I left him alone..."

"But it wasn't your fault."

If only he could believe that. "If I'd been here, instead of New York, this wouldn't have happened. I should've stayed, should've never left." He realized too late his words probably hurt her. 

Her next question stung him with the small amount of truth it carried. "You blame me, don't you?"

"No, of course not..." He closed his eyes, letting out a long exhalation. "I just need to help Jay. Please..."

"Okay...okay, I understand." The tone of her voice completely betrayed her. Sniffles painted her words. "Call me whenever you want, I'll be here." Without further ado, Danneel ended the call.

 _Fuck!_ He brushed his hand over his strained face and struggled not to scream. A blasting horn behind him bounced him off his derailed train of thought. There was an available spot three cars over. As he parked and trudged over to the hospital entrance, Jensen forced himself to believe everything would be okay.

~o~

She knew. She knew he was lying when Jared told her he'd just had a stomach bug. Said she could hear it in his voice. His heart wanted to rip out of his chest when Sandy told him she wanted to see him face to face the next weekend. The reflection staring back at him from the mirror in Jensen's bathroom was extremely disheveled and he still sported dark yellowing bruises. There was no way those would be gone by the time she arrived in three days.

He'd been discharged Monday, eight days after he's been admitted. The pile of after-care instructions had been impressive and he'd tried to do his best following it in the last forty-eight hours. He knew his parents weren't happy with his decision to stay with Jensen, but he couldn't face going back to Texas and being scrutinized by every single member of his family. After agreeing to confide his assault to his siblings, though not the sexual aspect of it, Jared had talked with both over the phone. He feared if he saw them in person, they would see the stain he felt all over his body. It would be even more impossible to stay in his own house. All sense of home was gone from the place.

When he had entered the apartment Monday afternoon, Jensen had ran inside to keep his dogs from jumping all over him. He'd lain in the sofa with them and wept for all he had lost.

More than ever, the need to disappear inside the youngest Winchester was beckoning him. It was the only way he could deviate his concentration to something other than _it._ He'd practically forced all involved into letting him go back to work. After he resorted to angry accusations that they weren't allowing him to make any choices for himself, they conceded. Of course Eric and especially his parents had specified that he wouldn't be permitted to do any physical work until he fully healed. The grueling schedule would return the next week, just two and a half weeks after his nightmare had begun. 

The makeup girls could hide any mark visible on his face when he had to film, but Jared was certain he couldn't do that with Sandy. And if she expected him to take off the many layers of clothing he hid in, then all would be lost. 

During the first shower he had in Jensen's apartment, he finally took inventory of the scars littering his body. The cluster of spots from the stun gun that converged on his ribs and back were the fastest in fading, though they were still evident. His ankles were also healing but his wrists were killing him, mainly the left one. The cream the doctor had given him worked, but he feared he would run through the tube quicker than possible. He still couldn't look at the bite marks. The inside of his thighs would be marred forever. He'd remembered during the last day in the hospital when the man had trailed a lit cigar over his skin. 

However, the worst damage was inside, where Jared could not see. It still burned when he had to apply the antibiotic cream and the stitching was still present. Thankfully, the sutures would be taken out in about four more days, the ones on his lower belly as well. He had to go back to the hospital then and get tested to check if the gonorrhea was gone. That had been another thing that drove him to think he was beyond sullied, untouchable.

Carefully, he stepped out of the bathroom to find an incredibly appetizing smell waltzing through the apartment. Jared walked slowly and steadily toward it, trying to control his limp. He came across Jensen in the dining room, discarded bags of take-out on the table. Sadie and Harley obediently sat close. There were two plates set amidst the chaos, which Jensen quickly cleared. No one could ever accuse him of being a slob. 

As he attentively cut one of the steaks into little pieces, Jared cleared his throat. "What are you doing?"

The look on Jensen's face was one of slightly embarrassed surprise. "Well, since your doctor said you could try solids now, I thought we could have some dinner." He smiled. "They're real tender, like butter, dude."

Jared's stomach tightened at the mention of dinner, though he didn't know if it was hunger or the fear of how the food would settle.

Jensen mistook his silence for rejection. "It's okay if you don't want-"

"No, no, I want to try." Jared gave him a tiny but sincere smile.

Relief in his voice, Jensen went on cutting the steak. "Great. I know you're freaking out about Sandy coming over, so I thought we could sit down and maybe forget about everything for a little while?"

Forget, that would be perfect. If only it were possible. 

He nodded and walked over to the table. He started to sit in front of the intact steak when Jensen stopped him. "That one's mine, Stretch."

Jared's gaze went over Jensen's moving hands. "Jen...are you cutting my food?"

A red tinge spread on Jensen's cheeks and he tensed. "I thought it be easier to digest..."

He rolled his eyes. "My mom's not here, thank you," he said while he took the plate and knife from his friend's hands. Jared tried to keep a stern look in his eyes, but ultimately couldn't. A small laugh escaped from his mouth.

Jensen visibly relaxed. As he patted Jay's shoulder and sat down, he apologized, "I'm sorry, it won't happen again...kiddo."

 

After very slowly eating almost half of his steak, his stomach couldn't take anymore. He hadn't had real food for eleven days. He gave Jensen a remorseful look that was immediately dismissed. _"It'll take time,"_ his friend had said.

When he finished, Jensen stood and walked to the kitchen. "I'm getting a beer. You want some water?"

Jared raised an eyebrow. "Water? I want a beer too."

"You can't have beer, Jay. You're on medication," he stated seriously. 

"One beer is not going to kill me." Jared glared. "Are you gonna be like my mom and dad too? Treating me like a little kid?"

"That's not it, man." His eyes slid sideways. "Your mom would kill me."

"She won't find out then." He tried his best puppy-dog look.

Defeated, Jensen went and grabbed two beers while Jared sat smirking. When he came back, he handed one of the bottles to Jay. As he seized it, Jensen pulled back playfully, causing him to lose his grip. He made an attempt to stop it from smashing on the floor, but all he managed was to lessen the impact.

The bottle spun and rolled until its momentum was done. Beer foamed across the floor and Jared felt his insides turn to ice. Breathing started to get difficult and a cold sweat sprung from his skin. His eyes never left the bottle as hideous images began to course through his mind... 

 

_His shattering screams trapped within the gag, trapped inside his head. "It's not going to fit, it's not going to FIT!"_

_The worst pain he'd ever felt in his life as the beer bottle ripped him from the inside._

_"Come on, princess. You gotta relax or it's gonna break. We don't want that now, do we? At least, not yet..."_

_Sickness rising when he saw the man's hands reach between his trembling legs and smear red across his belly._

_The feel of the rope tearing apart as he pulled with everything he had, opening the burn in his skin deeper._

_His suddenly free hand hit the man again and again and searched around to find some relief inside the pain, finding something hard tangled in the sheets instead._

_The beer bottle rolling off the mattress and falling on the floor, leaving a path of blood in its wake. His blood._

 

...Jared couldn't pay heed to the painful twinges coming from his incision as he ran to bathroom, Jensen hot on his heels. He didn't make it to the toilet, losing his dinner in the sink. 

The images kept pouring behind his eyes while Jensen rubbed his back, frantically asking what was wrong. Unconsciously, he brought his hand between his legs as if to touch something that wasn't there. He couldn't breathe well as every inhalation brought forth more retching. 

Tears running down his face, Jared struggled to explain. He clutched the basin hard and all he could say was _"it was me, it was me"_ over and over.

Jensen hastily turned the faucet, washing away Jay's partially digested dinner. He doused a towel and ran it over Jared's face. "I don't get it. What was you?"

"I remember..." he violently sobbed. 

"What do you remember, Jay?"

"It was me... I killed him."


	6. Chapter 6

His dreams had become worse. At first, Jensen would wake from his own fitful sleep when the guest room's door opened and Jared shakily made his way to the kitchen. There, he would grab a drink and Jensen could hear him as he tried to get his tears under control. He would later join Jay while both sat dazedly in front of the TV. It would quickly turn into another night of lost sleep by both. 

As the days went by, worry conditioned Jensen with better hearing. Jared's muffled cries reached him before his friend would wake from the nightmare. It had become routine for him to slip into Jay's room and gently pat the mattress next to his head. Once, Jensen had made the mistake of actually touching his arm and had earned a solid punch to the chest. It had been followed by horrified apologies from a still perplexed Jared, which Jensen couldn't dismiss quickly enough because he had no air in his lungs. He'd quickly learned that Jay was still in mortal danger wherever he was in his nightmares and had to proceed with caution.

The notion was debilitating for Jensen. He felt completely impotent in front of it, like a leaf dragged in white water rapids. He could wake Jared from the nightmares, but not prevent them from crawling into his head. During the late night hours, he would engage in an almost one-sided conversation, Jared's bleary grunts the only sign he acknowledged his presence. He missed the days they could talk endlessly. Jensen felt his desperation rise at the thought he could lose his best friend forever.

What little ease they had managed to gain in the days before Jared had remembered when he'd plunged a knife into his attacker was gone. As a final nail for their coffin, Sandy's visit had been overwhelming. Jared had waited for her, pacing in the apartment while their driver picked her from the airport. Nothing Jensen did or said had taken away the lost gaze from Jay's face. He'd looked like a man sentenced to death. 

Jensen had wanted to stay by his side, almost angry at Sandy because he knew she was making matters worse. He censured himself though. The blame couldn't fall on her. It didn't matter that he tried to pin it on everyone and everything, including himself. The only one truly accountable was dead and still remained nameless.

When Sandy had arrived, the smile she had brightly worn faded quickly when she looked into Jared's bruised face. After she had hesitantly kissed him and he'd flinched, Jared had led her to what had become his bedroom and locked the door. Only hushed sounds had escaped the room as Jensen struggled not to eavesdrop. His eyes had kept a constant vigilance on the ticking clock that hung on his living room wall. Tired of waiting, he had walked to the balcony and lit a cigarette. He'd tried to find comfort on the passing wind brushing his face. The feelings that pulsed and prodded inside him were confusing and he was surprised when he realized he didn't want Sandy there.

After what had felt like forever, he heard the door open and the tiny brunette's tear-streaked face was the first thing he saw. It was followed by Jared's, set in a stone-cold mask. The lack of emotion there had sent goosebumps down his arms. 

Sandy had given him a bewildered look before excusing herself to the bathroom. As soon as she had been out of earshot, Jared turned frozen eyes to Jensen and uttered, "She's hasn't said anything...I tried not to tell her, but she knew I was lying... What am I gonna do...? What if everyone can see it on my face?"

Jensen hadn't had an answer. Not when Jared's expression had fractured so fast he had felt like ripping something apart. He had spent the next few days walking on eggshells around the couple, for Sandy had refused to stay in a hotel, determined not to leave Jared's side. Though, whenever she had looked at him, her eyes would fill with tears and her face would darken. He wondered if Jared had managed to tell her what he'd had to do to stop his assault. It didn't escape Jensen that her hands had never wandered to touch Jared and she had maintained some distance from both of them. His heart had fallen when he saw Jay would shrink in her presence while Sandy was so faraway she hadn't noticed.

Her last night in the apartment had definitely been the worst. Jensen had downed his third beer already, his body rigidly lying in bed, when Jared's violent dreams began. He hadn't had any since she had arrived, mostly because he hadn't allowed himself to sleep. Exhaustion had gotten the best of him though and as Jensen wrestled with his need to go to him, Sandy had burst in his room, panic clear in her eyes. She'd begged him for help, "I can't get him to wake up...he almost hit me."

With his head throbbing madly, Jensen had rushed and found Jay as he struggled with the sheets and painfully moaned and mumbled. Amidst the mutterings, all Jensen had caught was, _"no, stop, please."_ As Sandy had begun openly sobbing, he found himself forced to snap her out of it and had ordered her to the kitchen. It took him several tries for her to actually move, his voice getting stronger with every attempt. The last thing Jay needed then was his loved ones freezing in front of him.

After he had gently persuaded his friend to wake, Jared had sat upright on the bed, confused and anxious. Jensen had smoothed his hand through his sweaty hair and noticed Jay's breaths had calmed with every stroke. That was how Sandy had seen him when she came back to the room. Her sobs had shattered Jay's slowly regained composure. Jared had begun to shudder as he stood and paced to the bathroom, the lock audibly turning behind him. 

Jensen had swallowed his anger as he heard Jared heave for the umpteen time in two weeks. He hadn't faced Sandy as she brokenly whispered, "I'm s-sorry, I can't... I don't k-know what to do..."

 

The next morning Jared remained quieter than what had become usual. Jensen dejectedly remembered the times he would have gladly paid to have him shut up. When Clif appeared to take the younger man to his doctor's appointment, Jared forlornly waited by the door for Sandy. He would not be permitted to work until his stitches were removed. Sandy made an effort to accompany him to do it before being taken to the airport. Jensen bit his tongue, whole-heartedly preferring to go with Jared instead. The look given by his friend made him think he wasn't alone in his wish.

After hours of keeping occupied with the script they had been shooting, Jensen heard the front door open. His gaze followed their bodyguard as he ushered a worn out Jared inside. The dogs quickly trotted to him as Jay walked straight to the sofa where Jensen sat. He carefully folded his long body next to him, his hand slowly petting Harley's head. 

Clif then gave Jensen an wiry look and said, "Sandra's gone back, but his parents called, said they wanted to see him... Kid should get some rest if you guys are shooting this week."

Jensen stared at Jared's flustered profile, his sagging eyes kept stubbornly open. When he squeezed his shoulder, Jay finally gave up and sighed, burrowing deeper into the cushion. He felt a knot slowly be released in his stomach. Jensen nodded at Clif. He knew full well what the older man meant. 

After the bodyguard left, Jared whispered to Jensen, "It's not that I don't want them... I'm just so tired, I wanna get my life back..."

He understood the meaning behind the statement. There wouldn't be any more unwanted visits for Jared. They would have to go through him first.

~o~

**Seattle 5:17pm**

At nineteen years old, Joshua Bellinger was already jaded beyond redemption. Sometimes, he cursed the day his father had fucked his mother in the back of his pick-up truck and had sealed both of their hopeless fates. Though he knew his dad was a better man than he would ever be. If it had been him, knowing what his life would become, he would have left her money for an abortion and run like hell out of Seattle.

Instead his father had done "the right thing." He had married at eighteen and enlisted in the United States Army. He was already a vet with chemical burns on his hands by the time Joshua turned three and his sister Ashley was one. If he was asked, Joshua would say the day his dad left for basic training was when it all went downhill. 

Elaine, as he called his bitch of a mother, hadn't taken well to motherhood, especially since she had been forced to lonely periods of time while his dad served the country. Nonetheless, he couldn't pity her. She had found ways to fill the isolation that stretched to the present. In fact, Joshua was sure Emma, his three year old sister, shared just half of his DNA. He'd seen his mom fondle the balding bastard that lived two doors down, too drunk to notice Joshua smoking on the curb in front of their house. 

Years before, he'd asked his father why he stayed, when it was no secret love had never been in the picture. His dad had only smirked bristly and said, "She hates me for ruining her life, she'd probably take you away just to spite me." At Joshua's protest, he'd answered, "It's not skin off my bones, kid. I'm not suffering her shit, I got my own things."

That had been why Joshua's curiosity about his dad's frequent hunting trips had spiked. After fifteen years in the military, he had retired, only to leave his construction job for the wilderness every couple of months. Sometimes, he would bring souvenirs, others he would come home empty-handed. During one of those, Joshua had ransacked his parents' room and found his father's secret. 

In a box hidden behind old quilts, there were a few scattered pictures in which a woman was prominently featured. One of them showed his father along with her and both were smiling cheerfully. She held a lock of her brown hair behind her ear as his dad wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Behind it the words _so you don't forget_ were written in a graceful script. Definitely not his father's. Joshua had cautiously put everything back, slightly happier his dad had someone in his life.

As he strolled from the supermarket where he worked, he covered his cropped blond hair with a baseball cap. Joshua reached his battered truck and checked his gun under the driver's seat. He wanted to get some hours in the shooting range before going home. He still wasn't as good as his dad and he needed the distraction from the harpies he lived with. As soon as he saved enough money, he would high-tail it out of there. 

Thoughts of his father were never far from his mind lately. He hadn't seen the man in over three weeks, ever since he had left for Canada. Not that his dad had told him, but in his scavenger games with his father's enigmas, he'd seen the plane ticket. It hadn't been the first flight to Vancouver, where his mistress probably lived. Even though he had prayed his dad would leave and maybe find some peace with his mystery woman, Joshua was worried. There had been no calls and that had never happened before. It bugged him that he wasn't allowed to go in every trip. He wouldn't have minded meeting the other woman. Although, he didn't begrudge his dad for needing that time for more private matters.

Perhaps his father had decided to mix a little hunting with his visit. He knew it was a true passion in his dad's life and he could lose track of time. But he'd never spent more than two or three days incommunicado. Joshua had had the privilege of watching him be consumed by the thrill of chasing wild animals several times. It had been contagious. 

The only way he could describe what he felt when he'd seen his father expertly gut his fallen game was awe. Joshua had reveled in his transformation. Back home, his dad would silently take whatever drunken tirade his mother would spew. But in the wilderness, he became a predator.

~o~

Jared kept his eyes closed during the drive to the set. The forced insomnia made him float in a state of unawareness, of _not there._ Everything was filtered through a grainy film and he had trouble discerning what was real. He felt the warmth of his dogs' bodies close to him, but he was cold inside. He was depleted, but his mind felt ahead of his body. When he let his eyes open a sliver, he saw Jensen next to him, his concerned face staring at him. Jared tried to give him a reassuring smile, but the moment he put his brain into motion, his friend's expression changed into the visage that haunted his dreams.

He couldn't wipe the troubled look on Jensen's face as much as he wanted to. Couldn't find his voice to let him know that he was the only one that didn't make him feel like a freak. That when his family and Sandy had suffocated his every breath, Jensen was the single strand of peace he had found. How could he explain to his best friend that he was losing his mind?

Jared knew he was pulling Jensen into the abyss his life had become. It was quite ironic how quickly everything had changed. Just three weeks before, his biggest concern had been to make Sam come alive as best as he could and to keep a happy balance between work and play. He had longed for the days his girlfriend could come visit and had frolicked in Jensen's laughter. None of that existed anymore.

The life his present bestowed upon him was full of insecurities and guilt. He hated the way he had regressed to nightly terrors, even though he had nothing to fear. His own hands had made sure of that.

The talk with the Crown Attorney had been horrible. Jared had convinced Jensen not to go with him, the thought of hurting him like that again clear in his mind. Everything had come back, conveniently free of the mental block he had suffered in the hospital. He'd been forced to relive all the terrible details, even after he'd begged that most of it had been heard by the detectives. However, new things of the attack had resurfaced. Things that they assured him would help in identifying the man.

Detective Pauls had commented that many of the specifics had been found in common with other assaults, both in Vancouver and in the nearby state of Washington. None of the other victims had survived. The couple the man had mentioned was identified as Christine Adams and Milton Taylor, natives of Burnaby. Jared's description of what his assailant had told him matched perfectly. Their beheaded bodies had been discovered in Christine's home eighteen months prior.

Everything Pauls had said was meant to make him feel better, Jared knew. But it didn't work. He still felt parts of the man inside him, as if killing him meant they would be joined forever. At least the Crown Attorney had been satisfied with his statement. Since it complemented the evidence, nobody had been inclined to dig in further. Everybody seemed relieved a monster had been taken off their hands.

Jensen's reassuring voice snapped Jared out of his trance, "Kripke told everyone you were beat up by a burglar." 

"Yeah...that works, I guess." Jared noticed they were already advancing on the set's parking lot. His stomach rolled. Maybe pushing to go back to work hadn't been the best idea.

When the car came to a stop, Jensen turned to him. "Hey, you sure about this?" He seemed to live inside Jay's head lately.

At his uncertain look, Jensen quietly asked Clif for some privacy. "We can turn right back, Jay. We don't gotta do this now."

Jared looked around and saw part of the crew staring in their direction. He shook his head as he nervously grabbed Jensen's hand. "Just don't leave me, please."

Jensen then pulled him into a half-hug. "Not for a second," he breathed as he lightly knocked his head to Jared's, the press of his body warm against his.

Relief coursing through him, Jared managed a sleepy smile as he spoke, "Let's do this then."

As both headed toward the makeup trailer, Jared's hands were shaking. Jensen was right behind him, but when he sat down, neither Jensen nor Shannon, the makeup artist, were there. He could hear Jensen's muffled voice outside and he knew immediately Jensen was saying something to her on his behalf.

~o~

Jensen pulled the makeup girl aside by the arm. His grip was tight and she looked up at him in surprise.

"You're going to see some things. Marks and bruises."

She looked at him strangely. "I know that. We've all been told what happened."

Jensen's face hardened. "Just do your job and we'll be cool."

It was clear that Shannon was offended, but Jensen didn't care. All he cared about at this point was Jared and his well-being.

"Sure," she said tensely.

"Good." Jensen moved passed her and into the trailer.

~o~

Shannon's face didn't look happy as she entered the trailer. When Jared turned to Jensen, his friend smiled innocently and silently mouthed, "What?"

"I'm gonna start with you, Jared. If that's okay?" Shannon said as she gathered her materials. 

He nodded and tried to relax when her hands worked on his newly shaven face. Apprehension coiled inside him as she progressed lower to his neck where he knew a particularly bad bite mark resided. When he felt her pause momentarily, he looked at her and noted her eyes watered. 

Panicked, Jared's eyes found Jensen's. He quickly reacted. "Hey, Shannon, you think you can put a giant pimple on my chin? I'm getting tired of my stellar looks."

Jared thought she might still be mad at Jensen, but when she rolled her eyes at him and called him stupid, the idea quickly dispersed. Another distraction was necessary when Shannon reached his wrists, but apart from that everything went without a hitch. 

When he arrived to the set, a motel room with mattress-covered walls, his back hurt from the many pats he'd received along the way. He faced a smiling Jensen as the cameras set up around them. Kim Manners was still the director for the episode and, when he saw Jared, he cheerfully exclaimed, "Looking good there, kid!"

He knew then that, even though it would be hard, he had made the right decision.

~o~

Three more episodes done and they received the news that the writer's strike was nigh. There was uncertainty in the air in regards to their future, but all were hopeful. When Jensen thought beyond his job's security, he was slightly okay with the whole thing. Both Jared and him needed the time off. Thankfully, the shoots had gone smoothly, only a handful of instances where Jay had frozen, all screen moments when he had been restrained.

However, sleep deprivation affected them both. Jay still went with him to his apartment every night, even after his parents had hired a cleanup crew to dissect his own place. The younger man had tried to step inside his house and less than five minutes later he'd dashed outside and said he wanted to go home. Jensen hadn't had any problem with that as he had gotten too used to Jay's company. 

But the nightmares didn't get better. They still stole away the hours of the night, neither of them all there when the alarm clocks screeched. If anything, they were in a stalemate where sleep was hard to come by and exhaustion pulled them in every direction. Even the crew had noticed, everyone going out of their way to make things run as effortlessly as possible. Jensen figured time off maybe could help. A change of scenery or something.

Although, he had seen that Jared did cope well with the naps he took in his trailer. He didn't know if daytime was a factor, but after they tried to best each other playing Madden, Jared would fall asleep beside him, not a bad dream in sight. Jensen would chase his own rest as quickly as he could.

One day in early November, he was surprised when he reached Jared's trailer and found Anthony Crowell as he said good-bye. The detective tipped his head in acknowledgment and wordlessly stepped out. Jared sat on the couch, flushed face covered by his hands.

Jensen knelt in front of him. "What's going on man?" he asked as he gripped Jared's hands.

Jared let his head drop on Jensen's shoulder. "His name was Robert Bellinger." His breath caught in his throat. "He was from Seattle."

"They identified him." Jensen stared at him. After a quiet pause he said, "Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe-"

"He had kids, Jensen." Jared shook his head as he gazed at Jensen, the tears flowing unbidden. "Three kids and I killed their father."

"God, Jared! You can't think like that..." He blinked back his anger. "Listen to me. You did what you had to do. What anybody would have done-"

A knock interrupted him. "Guys! They need you back on set if you're ready," said the unidentified voice.

Jensen wanted to rip those thoughts out of Jared's head. But the latter quickly stood and wiped his face with a disregarded towel. Without a backwards glace, he stumbled to the door and asked, "You coming?"

Jensen rose and followed him, every muscle stiff with rage and sadness. 

Those feelings didn't abate at all even once he was home and in his own bed. They only increased when Jared began to toss in his sleep yet again. He wanted to yell as he made his usual trek to the bedroom next door. When he opened the door, he immediately noticed the nightmare was one of the bad ones. 

The pats on the mattress didn't work, so Jensen found himself forced to seize Jared's flailing arms. The moment he made contact, Jay started to scream. Painful sounds that rammed into Jensen's heart. 

"Jay, it's okay, it's me. You gotta wake up, baby. You gotta wake up." He whispered as he wrapped both their arms around Jared. He felt the beats of Jay's heart flutter wildly under their hands, his own crashing loudly inside his chest.

Suddenly, Jared broke free of the hold and rushed towards the bathroom. He staggered into the shower and turned the blasting spray on. Jensen could only watch when he madly brushed his hands through his hair. The t-shirt and sweats he wore stuck to his skin as he yelled to no one on particular, "Get it off, get it off!"

Jensen closed his eyes, but he wouldn't admit defeat. He marched into the shower with Jared and got drenched as well as he closed the faucet. Jay slid down in a corner and seemed to finally realize where he was. 

"You with me now?"

Jared nodded unevenly while Jensen sighed, "Stay here, okay? I'm gonna get a towel and some dry clothes."

After he settled Jared back to his bed, Jensen tried to think of a way to approach their nighttime problem without causing Jay any harm. He leaned against the doorway as he looked at his crestfallen friend, who sat on the edge of the mattress. The last thing he wanted to do was make him pull away, but the strain was too much.

"We got to talk about this, Jay." He received nothing but silence, so he went on. "Your nightmares are getting worse, you're not sleeping. We gotta do something."

"I'm sorry...I know I'm dragging you with me." His tone was deflated. "I should just try to go back to the house."

"No, don't say that. You got nothing to be sorry about, Jay." Jensen took a deep breath and lowered his voice. "Believe me, I feel a lot better knowing you're here." He nodded under Jared's sudden stare. "But you gotta talk to me, man. So we can find a way to work this out."

Jared's face scrunched as he tried to find his words. Jensen couldn't help sitting down next to him. He was unsure if he would be welcomed, but took a chance and gripped Jay's hand into his own. "I know what the detective told you today shook you up. I know it's heavy, man...but if you let me carry some of it, we might make it."

He felt Jared's hold tighten around his fingers. He didn't need to look at Jay's face to know that his friend was trying. Jensen had to scoot closer to be able to hear his voice. "I see him everywhere...not just in my dreams, but even when I'm awake." He angrily wiped his cheeks. "I think I'm losing it."

"That's maybe because you're not sleeping. I heard insomnia can cause all sorts of shit," he said confidently.

"But I can't sleep anymore. It's like it's happening again. I see him doing all these things to me and I can't stop it. I can feel him...inside." Jared swallowed hard. "And the look on his face...the way it changed when I stabbed him... He looked like...like I betrayed him somehow."

"Bastard probably didn't expect it." Anger ran through him. "But you did the right thing, Jay. You saved yourself." He didn't say aloud what the little voice inside his head told him. _I should have helped you._

"Then why do I feel so bad?" He sniffled. "I keep wondering how is his wife gonna find out? How are his kids gonna take it? I killed a father, Jensen."

"You defended yourself against a monster. It was self-defense, Jared. He would have killed you." He stared fully into Jared's eyes. "And then, he would've had to run, 'cause I would've torn him apart."

After a pause, Jared smirked subtly. "You're channeling Dean a little too much, Jen."

"Nope, that's just the real me," he replied. Impulsively, he pulled Jared to him and placed a kiss on his temple. He didn't let Jay respond before he asked, "So, what can we do to get you to sleep better?"

After a minute of open-mouthed silence, Jared answered. "It helps if you're near."

"I can stay with you if you want, just until you fall asleep."

"I don't wanna put you out, Jen."

"It's okay, I don't mind. Hey, I offered," he shrugged.

Jared seemed to think about the suggestion. "Okay, but just until I fall asleep. Then you can go."

"You got it."

Jensen felt some of his tension ease as Jared got under the covers. As soon as Jay was done, he furtively clutched Jensen's hand again. He appeared wary of severing the connection between them. The older man rested his back against the headboard and wasn't surprised or disturbed that the next day found him breathing in the scent of Jared's hair.


	7. Chapter 7

What had come with so much ease before, now made his breath short. The contact his feet made with the asphalt as he ran felt heavier than what Jared remembered. He found it was easier if he focused on Sadie and Harley as they rocketed around him and on the music his iPod fed to his ears. His doctor had given him the go-ahead to resume a workout regime, but only if he started slow and didn't overdo it. The man had probably seen the desperation on Jared's face. Truth be told, he had been anxious to begin, even if he was allowed only to run and lift the lighter weights. He knew that if he didn't control himself, he would end back in the hospital with a hernia. And that just wouldn't do. He had come to hate the place with a passion.

He had mapped out roadblocks on his path to take back control of his life. Things that were normal for the old Jared. He needed to keep as busy as possible, lest unwanted thoughts would creep into his head. Jared urgently pushed himself to meet his goals and wished he could reach some sort of finish line quicker than he was. Wished he could reclaim ownership of his body as he felt like he lived inside a carcass.

Everybody kept telling him he had to take it easy, that only time could make his life what it had been before. However, they didn't know what he knew deep down inside. There was no going back. His injuries were mostly healed, but the scars would remain forever. The person he was had died under the weight of a man named Robert Bellinger. 

Despite that fact, it didn't mean he was hopeless. His newly-born self found every step hard and treacherous, but he continued on. Jared's parents had understood his need to keep their smothers to a minimum. They had gone back to Texas, but he still called them every couple of days. Over the phone, his mother's frets were a lot easier to take. 

His relationship with Sandy had taken a deep toll, though. After her first disastrous visit, she had only flown to see him twice. Jared had sadly noted she couldn't keep her eyes on him as if she was scared of what she might see. When she asked him if he was okay, Jared could almost hear the underlying plea in her words. _Please just say you're fine._ Whereas before they had flowed together effortlessly, his assault now stood between them at all times. They were stilted and he felt he couldn't cross the obstacle when she didn't move toward him at all.

Not a day went by when he didn't think of how he must look to her. It had to be something bad when there had been no effort to resume any kind of intimacy and her touches made him unconsciously flinch. The mere thought of Sandy seeing the marks he carried on his skin made Jared panic. In fact, when most people came too close for comfort, he felt his airway grow thin. Most people except Jensen. The reason he had decided to go for a run with his dogs.

The first night Jensen stayed with him, his dreams hadn't made an appearance. On the day that followed Jared had attempted to keep some of his dignity and really tried to sleep on his own. Jensen had told him that the offer still stood, so he couldn't help himself when, in the middle of the night, he had stumbled out of his room and crawled into his friend's bed. It had become part of their new routine.

The early morning light was already shining when he had woken that morning, the soft rumble of the dogs' breaths in the room nearby. Still partly under the veil of sleep, Jared had felt a vibrant sensation run down his spine as he lay on his side. Jensen had flipped in his slumber and his hand gently rested over Jared's side. His head lay close to his and Jared felt his warm breaths caressing his nape. He drifted in the feel of it for long minutes while he enjoyed an ease he had not known for some time.

He could swear his brain wasn't really awake as he ran his hand over Jensen's lax fingertips. When Jared felt the hold on him tighten, he froze. Not in the claustrophobic terror he still couldn't get used to, but in the realization that being so close to Jensen wasn't scary at all. The alarm he could have felt before his life had turned upside-down was gone. He only understood that the comfort Jensen had provided since they'd met was mingled with the safety he found now in their closeness. 

What he wasn't prepared for was the way his body had awakened under Jensen's soft grip. He took deep breaths to steady the flutters that ran through him. Confused and a little shocked, Jared had felt the previous ease slowly turn into something close to pleasure. His heart beat faster as tendrils of it dashed inside him. The last time he had felt something like it had been so long, it felt foreign. 

When he had sensed the heat rise in his groin, he decided he had to get up. Silently he slid from Jensen's arm as Sadie's head rose from her spot. He walked slowly out of the room and made his way to the bathroom. After splashing some water on his face, he sat on the toilet seat and ran his hands over his thighs. Jared willed himself to keep calm, his feelings completely unchecked. He wondered how much the past ten weeks had changed him, even as he recognized that finding gratification in Jensen's company was nothing new.

He thought sadly of all the times they had shared touches before and he had felt good. Guilt flooded him when Jared realized that he had placed a burden on Jensen. His friend had probably seen that Jared shied away from almost everybody, when previously his need for contact had been well-known. Maybe Jensen had wanted to feed that necessity. Before, most of their physical banter had been started by Jared. Now, Jensen initiated most of it as if to remind Jay that he still could.

Jared had been fine with it. Too fine, judging from what he had felt. He resented himself because he knew that even unconsciously Jensen tried to make him feel better. And he wouldn't take advantage of it. He didn't deserve it.

As he fought to cool down, his mind wandered unwittingly to the last time his body had taken an interest in his surroundings. Jared more than disbelieved when Bellinger had promised _"I'm gonna make you love getting fucked in the ass, princess."_ The pain from the shocks and the beating combined the horror of the situation had made him float out of himself. He had been forcefully brought back by the sensation of the man's hand on his dick. He had desperately tried to buck him off, but was impeded by the ropes and his decreasing energy. He hadn't been able to hold his tears as the man pushed slowly into him, but by the time he had felt the wetness on his stomach, his sobs had become violent. With an impassive leer, Bellinger had forgone all pretense of gentleness and then the pain had really begun. 

Jared brushed his fingers through his hair and massaged his temples. He had prayed he wouldn't get caught in another flashback, especially one that involved _that._ As he turned back to the room, the visual of Jensen's sprawled body made him start. Jared concluded he had too much energy bottled up when the feelings he had managed to quell returned. He had to burn it off before he went crazy. Without thought, he had changed his clothes and quietly called out to his dogs. 

 

An hour passed after he had finally hit a stride. Even though his muscles were shaking, Jared felt somewhat better. He checked his watch as he strode up the stairs in Jensen's apartment building. Clif would arrive in ninety minutes and if Jensen was still asleep, then he would get a sweaty wake-up call. The smile that thought brought on Jared's face vanished the moment he entered the apartment.

"Where the fuck were you?!" Jensen's face was flushed as he all but screamed at Jared.

Stunned, Jared stammered. "I-I just went for a run. Doctor said I could."

"You took your phone. Why didn't you answer my calls?" His tone was still aggressive. He paced the living room, his own cell phone clutched hard.

"I had the iPod on. I didn't hear it." He fumbled in his pocket until he found the phone. There were ten missed calls. "I just needed to burn off some steam. What's wrong with that?"

"What's wrong? I woke up and you weren't there, Jay! I kept calling you and you didn't answer." His eyes were brightly focused on Jared's face. "You gotta pay more attention."

The younger man was suddenly angry. Jensen's attitude was too similar to his parents'. "What? I can't go out without permission now?" His mouth clenched. "I'm so fucking frail that I need protection everywhere I go? Did you forget that I killed the bastard? That I did the right _thing?_ "

Jensen seemed to sober. "Jay..."

"No! I'm tired of everyone treating me like I might break." He shook his head. "I don't think I can take that from you too." With those words he marched past Jensen and slammed the bathroom's door as he entered it.

~o~

The ride to the set was tense as Jared kept his stare straight ahead. They were on the last two days of filming before the strike-induced hiatus and a fight wasn't what Jared wanted. He was unbelievably nervous about the free time and what it would mean in regards to his recovery. He feared what the separation from Jensen would do, so he really didn't want start it earlier than necessary.

Clif had to have noticed the strain between them because, when they arrived, he turned on the driver's seat and asked, "You guys need a minute before heading in?"

Before Jensen could say anything, Jared quickly nodded. When Clif got out of the SUV, he faced Jensen and said, "I really don't want to fight with you," at the same time his friend stated, "I'm sorry about going off on you."

Both laughed sheepishly. "You first," said Jared.

Jensen cleared his throat. "Okay. Like I said, I'm really sorry about, you know, screaming at you. I know you don't deserve that and I know you're not weak." He paused as he pursed his lips. "I just thought that you were..."

"I was what?"

"You know, hurt or something." He looked away from Jared. "The last time I called you and you didn't answer, I was in New York... And I almost lost you. Just the thought of something like that happening again..." He shook his head as he covered his mouth with one of his hands.

"Oh." Jared took in Jensen's troubled expression. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize."

"Not your fault, man. I just panicked, I guess, " was the muffled reply. He intensely looked back at Jared. "At the risk of sounding incredibly girly, I just couldn't lose you. Not now."

A nervously laugh spilled from Jared's mouth. "Umm, you won't...I sorta need you too much." He exhaled deeply. "And I'm officially a little girl."

"Well, I think that goes for both of us." Jensen rested his hand on the back of Jared's neck and lightly squeezed. Goosebumps ran through Jay's body. "Though you more than me."

"Fuck you. You're the one with pouty lips and pretty lashes. The fangirls say so," he said with a quiet smile. However, it left his face quickly. "What are we gonna do about hiatus? I'm not sure if I can..." Jared trailed off, uncertain of what he wanted to say.

"We'll work it out, don't worry."

Jared found comfort in Jensen's stare, almost lost in the sensation of his thumb tracing patterns on the base of his skull. He shut his eyes for a moment and when he opened them he concentrated on Jensen's face. Jared shifted between his eyes and his lips as both closed the distance separating them. His heart beat like crazy when he noticed they shared the same breaths. 

Jared pushed forward and hesitantly captured Jensen's mouth with his own. The only thing that ran through his mind was that Jensen wouldn't be by his side in a couple of days and he needed him too damn much. The feelings he had fought that morning and maybe even earlier than that, engulfed him as Jensen responded wholly to the kiss. He felt the heat rise between them and the moment their tongues touched, he almost forgot about everything.

However, when the sensations began to stir in his groin, he suddenly pulled back while Jensen stared at him, flushed and wide-eyed. Jared moved toward the door and grabbed the handle, mortified. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what..." 

"Jay, wait." Jensen's voice was rough, perhaps from worry or what Jared had just done.

"We gotta head in, they're waiting for us," he said as he hurriedly stepped out of the vehicle. "I'm sorry."

As Jensen stiffly followed him to the production trailers, Jared wrapped his jacket tighter around his body. The last thing he wanted was for everyone to see evidence of his arousal. He held his tears as the guilt of taking advantage of his friend flooded him. Bleakly, he thought that maybe he deserved everything life had given him.

~o~

Joshua gripped the box on his lap harder with every road bump the bus ran over. He still had a few minutes before he reached his destination, but time didn't have meaning anymore. His dad had been dead for four months and a half, yet the angry, raw wound in his heart made it feel like yesterday. Even as Joshua himself had filed the missing person's report on his father, he hadn't been prepared to receive the news.

It was seared into his brain, the moment he had walked into his house and saw his mother's livid face stare at him. She had scathingly growled, "Seems your father finally stuck his dick where he shouldn't have."

That was how the news of his father's demise had reached him. Not only was he dead, but he had died over a month before. Since his body had been unclaimed, he had been buried in some cemetery in Vancouver. Alone and nameless. His mother said he deserved it for leaving her with the shame of being a murderer's widow. There was no way Joshua would believe that. If his father hadn't put a bullet in his mom's brain during the last twenty years, then he really wouldn't kill anyone, much less rape a guy. His dad was no fag. He was a goddamn war hero.

Joshua had tried to find out who had killed his father, but so far the police weren't forthcoming. They cited something about a shield law that protected victims, but he knew better. They were probably covering for someone. Joshua intended to find out who.

So he had taken extra shifts at the supermarket, gathered all his savings and headed north to Canada. Though not before he stole his father's hidden box from the closet. A couple of years had passed since the last time he'd peeked inside, so he was surprised when he found it was a lot heavier. An assortment of nonsensical trinkets had been added as well as more photos of the brunette and a pack of handwritten letters. 

Those were addressed to his father's girl in Vancouver, he was sure of it. He wondered why they remained unsent. The feelings expressed in his dad's blocky handwriting had overwhelmed Joshua. It was a side of him he'd never seen. And it had cemented the belief that his dad was innocent. How could someone who loved like that ever hurt someone else?

The first thing he had done upon his arrival in Canada had been to locate his father's grave. He had furiously cried as he grabbed his hunting knife and carved over the anonymous numbers on the simple headstone. _Robert Benjamin Bellinger June 16 1969 - Sept. 23 2007._

After that he had spent a week in a drunken stupor, only leaving his motel room to buy more beer. The pain his grief caused was an almost physical thing, centered in the middle of his chest. During the eighth day he'd had an epiphany, in between the killer hangover that rutted in his skull. He'd swayed around the room until he practically fell on top of his dad's box. Its contents scattered on the bed when he turned it over. In his intoxication, he had fallen to his knees besides the bed and rummaged in the mess. He absentmindedly grabbed a four-leaf clover silver pendant, the lock on its chain broken. He tried to read the inscription engraved on its back, but the alcohol had clouded his sight. After he put it in his pocket, he found what he had been looking for. 

Only one of the letters had been tucked inside an envelope. On its front there was an address scribbled in his father's script. If someone knew what had really happened to him, it would be the brunette. And probably it had been her fault too. She had to be another bitch in his dad's life; otherwise his father's wouldn't have died in her country.

Therefore, after a great effort and many days, he had finally located her home. The bus trip was a long one since she actually lived in one of the nicer neighborhoods, not close to the seedy motel where he stayed. Once he numbly stepped off the bus, he hailed a taxi, which dropped him on the sidewalk in front of his target.

Joshua quietly observed the house and its surroundings. Lilac bushes adorned the property. It was already late afternoon, so he was sure she was home. There was one car in her driveway, which he assumed belonged to her. The front windows of house on the left were lit and loud, domestic sounds ringed from it. The house on the right seemed dead, abandoned.

Resolute, he walked to the front door and knocked. The hold on the box remained firm as he patted the gun underneath his shirt, stuck in the back of his jeans. He was prepared for the moment when she opened the door.

"Yes?" There was a curious air on her pretty face.

His voice was firm and a little deadened. "Are you Laura?" 

"I'm Laura Bouchard." Apprehension seemed to strike her as a look of recognition crossed her. "You look just like..."

Joshua's expression never changed as he pulled out his gun. "You knew my father. And you know who killed him."

The look of horror on her face confirmed what he suspected of her. She was part of the reason his life had turned from bad to worse. Joshua would get her to spill everything she knew. And then, he would get justice for his father.

~o~

Scripts had run out and hiatus had begun. None of that had mattered to Jensen as much as the muddle of feelings his co-star had planted inside. When the time had come to say goodbye, Jensen had been as nervous as Jared looked. Even after he had promised that everything was fine, that nothing had to change just because they had kissed, Jared had still remained skittish. Maybe he had felt the lie in Jensen's words.

Because everything had changed. Jensen had felt the pull toward Jay grow stronger with every night he had slept by his side. With every moment he had watched over his slumber and had swallowed all the lines and curves of his face. But the minute their lips had touched the pulls had ceased. Jared had firmly tangled himself inside.

As a result, the weeks that followed their aching farewell in the airport had been hell for Jensen. Although they had exchanged text messages and calls every day, the withdrawal pangs had hurt under his skin. Nothing had relieved them. Especially not Danneel. God knows, she had tried. Even as he had sought to find release in her, it didn't compare to the heat Jared had ignited in him. In the end, she had given up.

 

When Jensen had next seen Jared, during Christmas in Dallas, he had to struggle to keep in check. He'd waited to get Jared alone before he handed him a gift-wrapped book. "I thought it might help... I got you something else in case you hate it," he had said. Jared's face had had dark circles under the eyes as he thanked him with the tightest hug. He hadn't mentioned that he had bought in his own copy and had devoured the part directed at the survivors' loved ones. 

 

Sometime during the New Year's party held in Jared's LA apartment, Jensen had lost control of his emotions and gained a little insight into Jared's insecurities. He would later blame it on the alcohol.

After the countdown that erupted in hugs and kisses, Jensen immediately noticed that Jay was missing. He had set out to find him, which he did, sitting on his bathroom's floor, a bottle of whiskey clutched in his hand.

"I think she wants to break up with me." 

The words floated in the bathroom as Jensen threw his jacket on the toilet seat and sat beside him. "Why would you think that, Jay?" He felt ashamed at the strand of hope nestled inside him. 

"This party was her idea, said she was tired of feeling alone." Jared's eyes had been sleepy under the mask of the alcohol. "I can't...can't touch her anymore. I've tried, but I just can't."

Jensen had patted Jay's bent knee when he said, "It'll take time."

"It's not that."

"What is it then?"

"A lot of things... I don't want her to see." At Jensen's quizzical look, he had explained. "The scars, they'll never go away."

Jensen hadn't been able to help the pained look that crossed his face.

"And then there's you." Jared had refused eye-contact. "All you've done is help me and I just took advantage you. I can't stop thinking about what happened and how good I felt. And I know you keep pretending for my sake and you shouldn't have to do that." His breaths had become shuddered. "I know I'm a freak... I should have stuck that knife in me after I killed him."

That had lit a fire inside Jensen. He had possessively cupped Jared's face and forced him to turn toward him. "Don't you ever say that, Jared. Ever." He hadn't been able to control the torrent of words that stumbled out. "You are the most important person in my life, nobody comes close. And you didn't take advantage of me, you dork. Yeah, us kissing was a surprise, but I've never felt anything better in my life. If you're a freak, then so am I."

He had subsequently pulled Jared forward with such vigor, the collision their mouths made was almost painful. It had quickly turned softer though and Jensen couldn't help holding Jared harder when he had heard a moan exhale from his lips. When they separated, Jensen had asked, "Are you okay?"

Jared had languidly nodded as he rested his head on Jensen's shoulder. "Just stay with me, please?"

 

Jensen had stolen every possible moment to see Jay during the remaining vacation. His relationship with Danneel had drifted so much, he didn't see a way back. She had agreed. Over coffee and amidst minimal tears, they had decided it was time to end it. 

It was now early March and work had thankfully resumed. Jensen wasn't as happy to retain his job as he was to have Jared close once more. He wasn't sure if their furtive relationship would continue once they were back in Vancouver. He had noticed Jared would always back from their searing kisses when they escalated and he wouldn't push if Jay didn't want to. But Jensen could hope.

He had gone back to his apartment a few days earlier to make sure everything was in order. He had nervously waited for Jared to arrive, unsure of how he should welcome him. It turned out he didn't have to worry, because one step inside and Jared had rushed him in a rib-splitting hug that turned into an assault on his mouth. After stealing his breath, he had awkwardly apologized. Jensen couldn't help but let loose a laugh, which Jared followed quickly.

One of the first nights spent back on set, as they idly waited for the lighting department to finish setting their scene, Jared received a visitor in the form of Detective Jennifer Pauls. Jensen's instincts swiftly rose at her presence. He hadn't forgotten the way she and her partner had pushed Jared in the hospital. Close to rude, he asked, "What can we do for you, Detective?"

She smiled ruefully as she answered, "Just a couple of questions for Mr. Padalecki." Her dark eyes turned to look at Jared. "If you don't mind?"

"What's this about?" Jared's tone was uncertain.

"Do you know a Laura Bouchard?" Her face betrayed nothing.

Jared scrunched his eyebrows. After a minute, he replied, "Isn't that the lady that lives next door to me? I think she's some sort of engineer..."

"She was an architect, designed buildings for a living. Was quite good, so I hear." She paused as she scrutinized him. "Did you have a relationship with her?"

"Just the neighbor kind, I guess. What do you mean _was_?"

"She was shot in her home ten days ago. She died in the hospital."

"Jesus..." said Jensen, his eyes wide. 

"You haven't noticed anything strange in the past couple of days?"

Jared shook his head. "No...why?"

"Well, she was alive when she was brought to the hospital. She kept repeating the same thing again and again. The nurses recorded it on her chart and we connected the dots when we saw where she lived." She took a deep breath. "She said 'tell Jared I'm sorry, it was my fault."

"Oh my god..." Dismay crept up Jared's face. "Was she the one he was talking about?"

"We think so. She also said you had to be careful. That someone is coming for you."

Jared looked down and Jensen could see him physically start to shake. “What?” Jared mouthed and Jensen moved closer.

“Who? Who's coming after him?” Jensen spat.

“We don’t know yet, but---,”

Jensen stepped in front of her, his face flushed with anger. “Well you better fucking find out and when you do, you can give him a message from me.”

Pauls didn’t waver, just looked directly at him. “And what would that be?”

“He’ll have to go through me first.”


	8. Chapter 8

Jared felt like the atmosphere around him crackled with the invisible threat. He almost wished he'd had no warning of it. Just have it slam into him once and for all, instead of the exhausting wait. The only thing that kept him from painting a giant sign on his chest that said "COME GET ME!" was Jensen and the way he had gotten jumbled in Jared's mess.

Kripke had been notably shocked and angry when he was informed of the lurking danger. He had said he wouldn't take any chances, so extra security was instantly added, even if the guys found the constant watch a little oppressive. All their movements from the apartment to the set and every drive to locations were flanked by the dark-tinted windows of their bodyguards' cars. 

It amazed Jared how quickly everything had deteriorated. That just because it had been in his nature to talk to people, he had been attacked. The first time he had seen Laura Bouchard, the woman had seemed sad. Jared couldn't even remember what he'd done to make her laugh. He only knew that she had turned out to be an okay lady, even if she had been a little distracted in every small conversation they shared. On one occasion, she had given him home-baked cookies. She had said that after her divorce she was having trouble cooking for one. Perhaps because he had accepted the treats, now his protective detail came in bulk and the police seemed to think that Jensen could be a target as well. That thought made his skin crawl. 

At least the detectives had been productive in their job. After Pauls had informed him of his neighbor's murder, she had bravely weathered Jensen's fury. She had explained that, although there was no definitive proof, the culprit was probably Bellinger's nineteen year-old son. 

The cops had turned to the family of Jared's attacker because of Laura's final words and found that Joshua Bellinger had disappeared sometime in mid-January. The kid was an avid hunter, like his father had been. The yearbook picture they were shown illustrated a young man whose smile didn't reach his eyes. He looked so much like his dad that Jared had become useless as he fought to not sink into a flashback.

Luckily, Jensen had been there by his side. Jared's tears never came as they were blocked by the rush of Jensen's hands on his face. He had paid no mind to Pauls' presence while he gripped Jared in a tight hug. He had promised nobody would even get close enough to lay their eyes on him. The fire that burned behind the green in his gaze made Jared believe it. 

The detective had remained quiet as she looked at them a little more keenly. She had been the one who suggested Jensen would need security. She appeared compassionate when she remarked, "The kid could go after your loved ones, it's better to take precautions."

And if there was ever a time when Jared felt the need he had for Jensen, it was then. Even if he still couldn't show it like he wanted to. So much fear and shame boiled inside him that he couldn't go past a certain point in their intimacy. He knew it had to frustrate Jensen, because it frustrated _him_ to no end. 

Plus, the only time they were ever alone was inside the apartment. The place had practically become his private crash site in the last months, home to the aftermath of some of his worst nightmares. After the news that he was probably being stalked, it didn't feel safe. But at the same time, Jensen's presence was the only thing that kept him sane.

Jared had resolved that issue. He had yet to tell Jensen, not because he didn't dare, but because he wouldn't be able to handle a refusal. He was lost in thought in the dark of Jensen's kitchen when he heard the shuffled steps of the man in question. The faded light of the hallway made Jensen's sleepy appearance more clear. 

"Hey... What are you doing up?" Jensen's face turned fearful. "Did you have another nightmare?"

"No, just couldn't sleep. I keep thinking...stuff." He looked down. "Sorry if I woke you."

Jensen walked toward him and grabbed the glass of water in Jared's hand. "Nah, you didn't. It just got kinda cold in there," he said as he sipped from the glass. "You want to go back? We could watch the meerkats mating if you can't sleep."

Jared kept stock-still as he steeled himself to say what he wanted. His silence confused Jensen. "Jay? What is it?"

"Sandy broke up with me and I bought a house," Jared blurted.

Jensen looked at him dumbfounded. "What?"

Jared breathed deep. "I started looking before we got back from hiatus and after this whole thing, you know, the stalking, I thought it'd be safer if I had a new place, so I got the realtor to-"

"Jay, wait. Sandy broke up with you?" 

Jared slowed his words. "Yeah, said it was too much. That she couldn't deal," he answered with a humorless laugh. He shook his head. "Not when she had to compete against you." When Jensen huffed, he added, "Don't get mad at her. We never connected after the...after what h-happened. So it was over for a while now. I'm- I'm okay with it."

After a pause, Jensen stepped closer and gently kissed him. "Okay then. What's that about a house?"

Jared bit his lip and savored the feeling Jensen left there. "Well, I bought one. I've been crashing your apartment for all these months and I think it's time to go on, you know?" He looked expectantly at Jensen.

The older man swallowed as if getting his words out hurt. "You want to move out?"

"I just feel like I have to do something, not just stand by while other people try to keep me safe. And it's somewhere new. A place where I could, you know, re-start." He was so nervous he couldn't see the way Jensen's eyes betrayed his horror. "It's a big house. I've only seen it once, but I liked it. I'm gonna pay someone to take my things and I'm buying new furniture so it could take about a week, I don't know."

"So you're leaving, that's what you're saying?" Jensen whispered. 

His tone made Jared take notice. "I don't want to move, but I feel like it might be safer and I thought...maybe, you could stay with me and it would be safer for you, too. At least until this whole thing with the kid is over..." He couldn't breathe as he waited for Jensen to answer. 

Color flowed back into Jensen's face as he pulled Jared into a tight, quick hug. "God! I thought you wanted to leave, Jay." He laughed awkwardly. "Of course I'll stay with you. You're like my personal, gigantic heating pad. I can't sleep without you."

Jared masked his utter relief with fake affront. "Yeah? Well, you're like a...teddy bear, a tiny one."

His previous anxiety was drowned in the flurry of kisses that followed. They started like they always did, slow and relaxed. Their pace would quicken though as the need for each other consumed them. However, Jared felt unease spread inside him when the images in his head caused a painful tension in his muscles. It seemed that no matter how much he wanted Jensen closer, his body was still stuck in the memories of the uninvited touches it had suffered.

"Wait," Jared whispered, ashamed. He wanted to cry in frustration as Jensen immediately backed off. "I'm sorry... I swear to God, I want this. I-I don't know what's wrong with me."

Jensen brushed the hair off of Jared's face. "Hey, it's okay. There's no rush, Jay."

"But I hate this. I feel like I'm never gonna get past this..." Jared angrily wondered when his tears were going to dry up as his eyes started to swell. "What if it never goes away?" 

"You gotta be patient." When Jared tried to protest, he shushed him. "You push yourself too hard, Jay. And I want _us_ to feel good, not like a task you put upon yourself."

"But I need to do something. I can't stay feeling like this." He felt demolished, like his options dwindled with every second that passed and he wasn't back to a hundred percent.

"We could try something different, like therapy, maybe it could help."

"No, no, I can't. Just the thought of sitting in front of some stranger and having to tell them everything..." Jared shook his head. "I can't do that."

"Okay. Then we figure it out between us. You know I got your back." He shifted closer to Jared and stroked his arm. "But you gotta let me know what's going on inside your head. So we can help each other."

Jared nodded quietly and pressed his forehead against Jensen's. If he was honest, the idea of exposing the flashbacks that haunted him when he thought of sex still terrified him. Mainly because he swore he could still feel strange hands on him when he got excited. He hated how disconnected it made him feel. Even as Jared knew his body had reacted normally under the circumstances, he still had doubts. What if Jensen thought he was a weirdo? That on some level he had enjoyed being raped? 

And what if he didn't deserve to be happy after he had taken a life? What if not being able to have what he wanted with Jensen was his punishment?

Many questions ran though his mind, but the look on Jensen's face gave Jared hope. Perhaps through his tears and confusion, there was a path to something better.

~o~

After a couple of weeks under endless guard, nothing had happened. Jensen hoped that the police had been wrong and there was nobody after Jared. Although he was prepared to remain under watch for the rest of his life if it meant Jay would be safe.

The move to Jared's house had come with perfect timing. Jensen wasn't even sure how, but he'd lost the lease on his apartment and if it weren't for Jay's need to find a new place, they would have both ended up homeless. 

He had to admit the spacious residence was amazing and felt a lot better. Jensen used all the time they had been forced to remain inside to help Jared come out of his shell. He would sit in front of his computer until he went cross-eyed, surfing through page after page of advice and how-to's. After the hours of research reached into the late night, Jared would come into the room with an undecipherable smile on his lips and pull him to bed.

Under the veil of darkness, they would talk while they waited for sleep to claim them. It was the only time Jared seemed to open up. The first time he'd tried to go beyond his block, he could only confirm what Jensen already suspected was part of his fear of intimacy. He hadn't known how to prove to Jay that he didn't think any less of him because of his reaction to what a monster had done to him. Jensen couldn't separate parts of the assault like Jared did. To him, it was all the same sick atrocity that burned his anger raw.

In the end, Jensen had just held him and let him cry himself out. As much as it had hurt, he counted it as a victory. Especially when he woke up the next morning and the first thing he saw was the uncertain, but relaxed smile on Jared's face.

Little by little, Jensen saw the coils Robert Bellinger had wrapped around Jared come loose. Every day Jay surprised him with the added confidence in their nighttime talks. He had told Jensen of how much he had feared the last face he would see was that of his rapist. A slight blush had spread over his cheeks when he confessed that his dying wish had been to see Jensen one more time.

Jensen couldn't help himself when he tried to kiss the blush away from Jared's face. The taste of him had become quite addicting. He had lost himself in the sensation so much, he didn't notice the moment Jared began to pull his t-shirt off. Only the sudden heat of Jay's hands on his skin had made Jensen realize he was kneeling in bed half-naked, with the guy who had become a lot more than his best friend.

Jared had simply said, almost shyly, "I just want to see you, is it okay?"

Jensen hadn't been aware of how nervous he was. Truth was he'd never been with a guy before. He hadn't even thought beyond helping Jay be comfortable in his own skin. However, the sheer want in Jared's eyes and the heat that suffocated his own body had made him go forward. 

The hardest part had been to keep his hands to himself. Jared had shied away every time he tried to touch beyond his face and the last thing Jensen had wanted was to scare him off. Not when the almost Zen-like level of control he had gained over his dick in the past few months had dissolved so quickly. He had been hypnotized with the look of wonder on Jared's face as he ran his fingers over Jensen's skin.

The minute Jared's hand had fumbled inside his boxers, Jensen had to re-learn breathing in order not to come in five seconds flat. He had kept his grip on Jared's face tight as he devoured his mouth. When Jensen saw how Jay had buried his other hand inside his own underwear and fisted himself while he jerked Jensen off, it had been over. He had pushed his head into Jared's shoulder, unable to keep upright when the orgasm ripped through him. As he came back down, Jensen had frantically resumed kissing Jared, so he had happily managed to swallow Jay's groans as his own orgasm hit him.

Afterwards, when their shuddering breaths had calmed, Jensen asked Jared if he was okay. The younger man merely nodded and said he would take a shower. Jensen hadn't failed to notice the tension that still remained in his steps. When he had offered Jared company, he was politely turned down. As he heard the bathroom door close, Jensen let himself fall backwards on the bed.

Even as they had moved one small step forward, they still had a long way to go. But Jensen wouldn't let go, unless Jay told him to. And even then, it would be difficult.

~o~

A couple of days later, Jensen was in the shower and he couldn't believe what he heard. He gave Jared the benefit of the doubt, because of the noise. "Say what again?" 

"I just don't want to put you through that..."

Jensen shut off the faucet and opened the shower door. He stared at Jared who had perched on the toilet seat after an intense workout. There was an uncomfortable look in his eyes. 

Jensen sighed as he wrapped a towel around his waist. "Why do you think it would bother me to touch you?" 

Jared shrugged, "I don't know...I feel like-" He stood suddenly and paced the bathroom floor. "Christ, Jen! I had the clap, man. I'm damaged goods and you shouldn't have to settle for that."

"Okay, okay, stop." Jensen clutched Jared by the shoulders. He looked Jay straight in the eyes. "One, that wasn't your _fault._ Two, you don't have that anymore. And three, there's not a goddamn thing that could make you not good enough for me." He let his hands roam up to the back of Jared's neck and tangled his fingers in the soft hair. "You got that?" he whispered as he placed a kiss on his lips.

After a few minutes of quiet, Jared confessed, "I'm scared. It's not that I don't want to, 'cause I do." He gulped hard. "I don't want to f-feel him anymore, you know? I want to feel you... But what if I have a flashback? What if I can't deal?"

"I'll be right there with you, I won't leave you." He smiled as he promised, "I'll bring you right back." An idea popped into his head. "Hey, do you trust me?"

"Yeah, you know that."

"Then let's try something." At the questioning look on Jay's face, he replied, "I promise it'll be good and if you want to stop anytime, then we will."

"Okay."

"Great! But first you need a shower, dude. You stink."

Jared rolled his eyes before he pushed Jensen out of the bathroom.

 

By the time Jared had finished his shower, Jensen had managed to reread what he'd found on the internet and prepare their bedroom. He'd turned off all the lights except the bedside lamp. Jay seemed surprised when he opened the bathroom door and found the bed overflowing with pillows.

"What's this?" he asked as he pointed to the bed.

"Well, you need to be comfortable for this."

"And what exactly is _this_?"

"Just something that I think could help. Trust me."

"Okay..."

Jensen motioned Jared to sit on the bed. He pushed his own nerves down when he saw how anxious Jay looked. "Hey," he said as he held Jared's hand. "You need to tell me if this is too uncomfortable. You don't have to do it if you don't want to."

"It's fine. I just wanna know what you're planning."

"I'm gonna give you a massage, or try at least. You up for it?"

Jared's dimples came out as he gave Jensen an unsure half-smile before he nodded. He nervously closed his eyes as Jensen pulled his t-shirt and shorts off. The minute he was completely undressed, he curled into himself as if trying to hide. Jensen knew the utter shame Jared felt about the scars that covered his skin. He hadn't let anyone see them. Jensen whispered into his ear that it was okay, that nothing could be wrong about something that was part of him.

The tremors that surged from Jared's body as he found himself exposed for the first time since the rape sank straight into Jensen's heart. He slowly pushed Jared to the bed's headboard, carefully watching every expression he made. The pillows served to keep him slightly upright, because there was no way Jensen could see him scared and flat on his back. That would've been too much like the nightmares that still plagued him sometimes.

Jared said nothing while Jensen positioned him, seemingly focused on Jensen's voice as he reassured him. The tension in his legs was palpable when Jensen parted them and sat cross-legged between them. He pushed forward and kissed Jared deeply as he reminded him that Jay was the one in control.

Jensen knew that slow would be the way to go as he let his hands travel over Jared's body. The lotion he smeared all over made the movements easier, but the conflict he saw in Jared's eyes made him question what he was doing. 

There was panic in the younger man's face, mixed with shame and something Jensen couldn't name. Though, the moment their eyes met, Jared's stare softened and he gripped Jensen's hand resting on his belly. He then whispered what had almost become a mantra, "Don't leave me."

The room's temperature rose as Jensen continued. He noticed Jared's eyes watered when he reached the map of burns painted on the inside of his thighs. Quietly, he suppressed his anger at the thought of the animal that had traced pain and hurt on Jay's skin. Jensen wanted nothing more than to erase it all for him.

He caressed his palms over the scars as he headed toward his goal. Jared tensed the moment Jensen's hands came in contact with his half-hard dick, but didn't push him off. The small sounds he made as Jensen stroked over his cock, up his belly and down again, captivated the older man and he fought hard to control his own body. He let one of his hands dip lower between Jared's legs and rested his fingers against his entrance. 

Before going further, he waited for Jay's approval. He felt Jared shiver as he raised his hips in offering. They locked eyes and Jared begged in a hush, "Please..." 

Jensen couldn't hold back anymore. He reached for the discarded bottle of lotion and awkwardly coated his fingers again. Almost fearfully, he pushed his middle finger inside Jared and watched the younger man's face. He was not quite shocked when Jay hoisted his body up and wrapped his arms over Jensen's shoulders.

They remained in that position while Jensen found Jared's prostate and massaged him to completion. The cry that escaped with his release turned into sobs while he clutched Jensen like a lifeline. 

Jensen felt all he could do was hold on as he tried to come to terms with the feelings floating inside him. They had become so connected in the last six months, he didn't know where he ended and Jay began.

Without thinking, he calmly whispered what had been so difficult before, "I love you so fucking much."

~o~

Joshua felt the hole underneath his feet grow bigger by the minute. He gripped the four-leaf clover in his pocket hard as he walked from the convenience store five blocks from his motel. The baseball cap on his head was pulled low and he kept his stare down. The desperation and confusion he experienced ate away at his heart and for the first time in his life, he didn't know what to do. He wanted his family.

When he thought about it afterwards, he hadn't meant to kill her. But when she had said that meeting his father had been the worst mistake of her life, she had made him so mad the gun had practically gone off by itself.

Joshua fought back the tears as he remembered the look on her face when the bullet hit her chest. Frenetically, he rubbed his face as he quickened his pace towards the payphone he'd located the day before. 

His hands shook so much he had trouble dialing the numbers on the phone card he'd bought. By some miracle the other line began to ring.

He took a deep breath when he heard his younger sister's voice. "Hello?"

"Ashley?" As much as he tried to man up, he couldn't keep his own voice from shaking.

"Joshua! Where the hell are you?!" Her volume lowered suddenly. "The police were here, again. And Mom wants to kill you."

"Ash..." He nervously looked around at the people that passed by. "I don't know what to do..." 

"Oh my God, don't tell me it's true..." More than hearing it, he felt the hitch in her breath. "Did you kill that lady?"

"She said some things about Dad. I don't know what happened," cried Joshua. "I just- I couldn't help it."

"Shit, Joshua! After everything Dad did? You're just gonna do the same?!" Her tone took on an incredulous and pained quality. 

"Don't you say that shit, Ashley!" He was swiftly angry. "Dad wouldn't hurt anyone!"

Ashley wasn't intimidated by his outburst. "You're wrong! The cops came here, they have proof. He was killing girls that looked like her, like that woman you shot! He killed their boyfriends too! You don't know 'cause you left, thinking he was some goddamn hero!" 

"You lying bitch!" Some passersby's watched Joshua with surprise. He didn't care.

"I'm not lying! That lady's ex-husband said that she had a stalker for years, that's why they divorced! 'Cause daddy wouldn't leave her alone! She ran all the way to Canada and you had to go there and shoot her!" The vines of doubt began to course inside him at the mention of his crime. He tried his best to suppress them.

"No!" He shook his head vehemently. "That bitch had an affair with Dad, she said so herself."

"And he went crazy when she found out he was married. Mom told me."

Disbelief mixed with his desire to cry. "And you're gonna believe that skank?"

"Shut up, Joshua." Her tone was softer. "Dad wasn't right in the head and you know it. All those times he left, saying he was hunting? He would come back weirder than usual, or don't you remember?"

"It was the war, nothing else..." he brokenly answered.

"No, it wasn't, you know it." She took a shuddering breath. "Joshua, I swear I wanna help- Oh shit, it's Mom-"

Joshua's heart constricted when he heard his mother's voice over the line. _Is that him? Ashley?!_

He heard crackles as the phone was grabbed. "Let me tell you something, you little son of a bitch!" He cringed at the pure venom in his mother's tone.

"Mom..." Joshua pleaded, though he didn't know what for.

"Oh, now I'm _Mom_?!" Her mocking only served to further tear his heart apart. "You listen to me, I don't want you to ever call here again. You deserve to rot like your bastard father!"

"Mom, please-" he sobbed as the tears escaped from his red-rimmed eyes.

"Shut up! You keep away from us and I hope they tear your ass apart in jail!" Joshua could almost see her face redden beyond anger. "You're just as no good as your father. Don't ever think to come back here."

The dial tone rang like a bomb in Joshua's ear. The hurricane of emotions raged until it burst inside him. He had nothing left in its wake. Nothing except to finish what he had started.


	9. Chapter 9

Jensen should have known that it would be a disaster. The way Jared had persisted so much was the first clue he'd had. But the feeling of Jay's mouth on his neck and his damn big hands doing something which should've been illegal to his dick had made his brain kind of dissolve. 

They had been watching a game, both tiredly draped on the sofa after coming home from a particularly loaded work day. Jared had dropped his feet on Jensen's lap, smirking at the huff the heaviness pulled out from his lips. 

The last few months Jay had dedicated so much time to working out, everybody that looked at him commented about his muscled physique. Jensen hadn't complained because, truth was Jared looked good. Though he knew the driving reason behind his co-star's obsession. 

A while back, he had confessed that he wanted to make sure no one could get the drop on him again. No amount of coaxing could convince him that he'd done his best in trying to defend himself. The phrase "I should have done more" was filed under _things I hate the most_ in Jensen's brain. Along with the name Bellinger, Jared's face after a nightmare and early morning calls.

In between their football-provoked banter, so out of the blue Jensen had trouble understanding, Jared had stated that he wanted to have sex. He'd more or less jumped on Jensen afterwards, his focused ministrations mixed with pushy assurances that he was ready, that he wanted to feel Jensen inside. 

Jensen's protests had died a little more with every touch Jared placed on him. He felt himself being pulled on top of the younger man and he'd had to wrestle to stop him enough to tell him they should take it to their bedroom or at least find something to use as lube.

And that was how they had found themselves blundering on the bed, lotion clumsily spread over everything. Jensen had tried to slowly prepare him, but Jared grabbed Jensen's wrist and pumped it as he pushed his fingers inside his entrance. He had willed Jensen to go faster, telling him he was ready again and again. The waver in his voice had made Jensen doubt his willingness. It had actually made him doubt his own.

Jensen had known it was going too fast, but when he felt Jay's hands guide his hard cock inside his body, the resulting sensation made him dizzy. Jared had wrapped his long legs around his middle and Jensen had to close his eyes at the excessive tightness that surrounded him. When he'd opened them the sight he came across made his blood run cold.

Jared had bitten his lips in an attempt to stop his cries from slipping out. His face had set in a grimace and tears brimmed in his eyes. When he'd noticed Jensen's horrified expression, he begged in a broken voice, "Just do it, please, just do it."

The sudden hollow in Jensen's heart had made him pull back, which resulted in a pained grunt from Jared. The younger man's eyes had then glazed over and his breathing began to shake. He started to mumble pleas that tore at Jensen. His erection waned the instant Jared's fists had clenched in phantom pain and he felt powerless in front of the flashback that assailed Jay as he lay underneath him.

After he redressed himself, Jensen sat by Jared's side on the bed in a silent panic. Jay had curled to his side, facing away. Jensen had been unable to stop the tears from forming when he tried to touch his shoulder and Jay flinched away. He did let himself be covered by a blanket though. The only thing he'd managed to say was that he wanted to be alone.

It had been the first night they'd intentionally slept apart, even as sleep was the last thing Jensen could grasp. He had stayed up until the sun rose and the guilt ate him alive. He had been angry at himself and later, at Jared as well. It had been obvious that they hadn't been on the same page. He hadn't known why Jay would force himself to something he was clearly not ready for. But he intended to find out. 

When their early call had come upon them, Jared was quiet, like the first days after he'd woken in the hospital. 

So, yes, it had been a disaster.

~o~

When the director yelled, "Cut!" for the eighth time in a row, he ordered everyone to an early lunch. Jared stood quickly from the motel bed in their current set and Jensen didn't waste time as he followed him outside to his trailer. Just as they entered it, Jensen stated, "We need to talk."

Jared said nothing, like he'd been doing for the past three days. Jensen continued, "What was all that about? We're gonna keep having trouble with the lines if we don't talk about what happened." 

"Why can't you just forget it?" His words were tinged with exhaustion. "Can't we just pretend it didn't happen?"

"I can't. I wanna know why you jumped my bones if you weren't ready for that," Jensen deflated. "And why the hell did you tell me to 'just do it'?"

Jared closed his eyes with a sigh. "I can't get into this right now, Jensen. We're working."

"Yeah, bang up job we're doing here." He rolled his eyes as he sat on the trailer's sofa. "Just talk to me, _please._ "

Maybe begging was the key because after a long, silent staring showdown, Jared spoke, "I wish we would have started this before. I mean, before I got fucked up."

"What do you mean?"

"I just- I wish I knew what it's supposed to feel like, instead of being scared 'cause all I remember is him. I thought if I pushed myself to do it, then he would go away." He looked at Jensen through overly bright eyes. "I'm sorry."

"God, Jay..." Jensen didn't know how much anger his body could take. It was now joined by the painful empathy he felt toward Jared. "Don't- don't be sorry. We should just take it easy." He didn't know what else to say.

Jared sat next to him and wordlessly fidgeted with his shirt. Jensen reached out to him, afraid that he would shy away from the contact. He felt the air flow back to his lungs when Jay leaned into the hand cradling his face. "We could, I mean, you could...do me, you know? I trust you."

Jared vehemently shook his head. "But I don't trust myself. I don't wanna hurt you. And, believe me, it hurts." His gaze seemed to drift with his last words.

"Jared, what that asshole did to you is not the same thing." He took a deep breath. "Besides, there are a lot of people who like it. I'm sure they can't all be wrong."

Jared's distress didn't seem to abate with that, so Jensen searched his brain for something else, finally settling for the truth. "You know, we don't have to do _that_ , I thought we were doing pretty good so far doing other...things." 

He scratched the back of his neck uneasily as a slight blush spread on his face. "I mean, when you, you know, blew me, that felt fantastic. And I thought I did good too, 'cause you're a big fucker, Jay, but I tried my best and you said I did great and admit it, I almost got you all the way down and could you stop me before I make a bigger fool outta myself? I swear I used to be a pretty suave guy, you've totally ruined my game..."

When Jensen caught Jared's stare, the look in his watery eyes was indescribable. Suddenly, he gave an open-mouthed smile that turned into a loud laugh. He pushed Jensen's shoulder as he said, "You were never that good to begin with, Ackles. I think I've improved you, in any case."

"Oh shut up, Stretch..." Jensen growled as he pulled Jared to him. When their mouths met all Jensen could think was _Yeah, you really have._

~o~

"Come on, man! We're gonna be late!" For once, Jared was glad he wasn't the one causing the hold-up.

He knew that Jensen didn't think going for a night out was a good idea, but Jared was sick and tired of their seclusion. Plus, he had reason to celebrate. His third HIV test had come back negative and, although the police had assured him his attacker was clean in that regard, the worry had still bothered him. 

The test had been scheduled for the six-month mark after the attack, but Jared had postponed it every day since the date had arrived. Work had been his main excuse. After the strike, it seemed the hours on set and locations melted into each other and sometimes Jared felt lost in it all.

So the time spent inside Sam's head was a good pretext. It was a lot better than to admit the truth.

Every time he'd had to take a test meant another visit to a doctor, another reminder of why he needed it in the first place. Seven months had passed since that horrible weekend and Jared felt like the fallout would never be over. He wished there was something he could do to skip the long process of recovery and have those days be just a memory. Just a bad event in his life.

"Jensen, what the fuck?! I told you to stop with the primping in front of the mirror!" Jared hoped they could leave soon.

For the time being, he kept as occupied as possible, the threat that surrounded him never far from his mind. He asked himself how his neighbor had lived with the ill feeling of being stalked for years. He then remembered the way Laura's eyes would shift when they had talked, as if it was necessary to scan the surroundings. Sadly, Jared had realized she never did _live_ with it; she had merely survived until it caught up with her. And that was something he wasn't prepared to do. 

It was enough that the fear that gripped him all those months ago hadn't left him. However, with Jensen by his side, he wouldn't allow it to grow and blend with the new danger. Especially since, after two months of nothing, their extra security was beginning to feel like overkill.

Jared peeked out the front window at Clif and their two bodyguards as the men waited for them. He rolled his eyes. "I swear I'm gonna leave you, Jensen! Right now!" He grabbed the front door's handle and rattled it just as Jensen quickly hopped down the stairs.

"What is with you, man?" Jensen asked. He good-naturedly slapped Jared's shoulder. "It's almost like you haven't been out for months," he smirked.

"I hate you sometimes, man." Jared huffed as he followed Jensen outside.

~o~

Jared felt somewhat ashamed at how much of a lightweight he had become. Four drinks in and a pleasant buzz started to spread inside. He wasn't mad though, because the smoky atmosphere of the bar made him remember things he didn't want in his head. It looked too much like a dark room lit only by a lamp or the faded rays of the sun setting and rising.

So the slight euphoria was very welcome. The place wasn't packed which made him feel more at ease and thankfully the bodyguards were outside, only Clif remaining nearby. They had a nice group going at the bar. Jared was relaxed as he lazily swung in the stool. 

Jensen kept close at all times. Every time Jared looked at him, he would flash a smile or trail an innocent touch that would send sparks through his skin. He was lost in a conversation between Jensen and one of their friends when a push to his back made him recoil.

"I can't believe you hermits are here!" Jared turned and came face to face with a very drunk Michael Rosenbaum. The older man was unaware of his discomfort as he crowded Jared's personal space. "You fucks won't go to my going away party, but you can come to this hole in the wall?"

When Michael reached over him to greet the rest of the group, the beer bottle he held grazed Jared's arm. The feel of the cold, wet glass on his skin forced Jared to hold his breath as the images of his last attack swam before his eyes. He felt the sweat spring at the quick clarity they gained. Panic began to set in when his body started to cramp in pain. The flashback was interrupted however, by the firm squeeze of fingers on his wrist.

"We're tired of seeing your ugly mug already, man. Why would we want to do it again?" Jensen gave a light push to an oblivious Michael as he pulled Jay's hand to the cool wood of the bar. The contact almost grounded him back to the present and he heard Jensen's hushed voice as if in slow motion, "Breathe." 

Jared felt his face continue to tighten with the lack of air, but Jensen squeezed tighter as he repeated, "Breathe, Jay."

The air he held tumbled out hard and left him shaky. Jared met Jensen's concerned face and, from somewhere behind Jensen's back, a voice asked, "Hey, is Jared okay?"

Without looking away from him, Jensen retorted loudly, "Yeah! He just has the resistance of a girl." 

Amidst a cry of _"Fuck off, I'm a girl and I'm still standing!"_ Jensen leaned closer and asked, "You wanna go outside, get some air?"

Jared nodded and stood. He unsteadily followed Jensen and noticed the moment Clif did the same. The breeze outside did wonders for his lungs as he wiped his hand over his face. Long minutes passed as he struggled to regain his composure. He overheard their driver ask if everything was okay. Jensen answered for him. "We just need a minute."

"Hey man, you okay? Wanna talk about it?" Jared could only see care and concern in Jensen's face, but there was no way he could explain. He trusted Jensen wholeheartedly, but found it impossible to voice how Bellinger had torn him apart inside. How, after the bastard had staggered out of the room with the knife stuck in his side, Jared had to pull the beer bottle out of his own body. He would never forget how slippery his blood had made the glass.

"I can't, I'm sorry," he answered as he shook his head. "I just need to clear my head for a moment," he said as he warily looked back at the bar. The place was losing its appeal by the minute.

"You wanna head home?"

Jared couldn't help but smirk when he countered, "Stop living in my head man, it's weird."

"Oh, really?" There was a light in Jensen's eyes that Jay thought might have been caused by the alcohol. 

"No, not really..." Jared's smile dropped. "Umm, we don't have to go 'cause I'm being all..." He waved his arms in front of him trying to find a word other than freak.

"Look, after all the running through the woods Kim's making me do for the finale, I'll be glad to go home." Jensen rolled his shoulders and cocked his head from side to side. "I'm all sore and shit."

The smile returned as Jay looked at him sideways. "You wanna go home and, you know, do something about that?"

"We could do that." Jensen laughed almost nervously. "We could definitively do that."

Both motioned at Clif as they strode toward the parking lot. When they neared the area where Jared's GMC was parked, they came across their two bodyguards involved in a heated argument.

The tallest one looked livid. "You're not being paid to chat up with the first girl you come across!" 

"I was only gone for five minutes, I swear!" When the latter noticed the boys' bewildered looks, he hastily apologized, "I'm so sorry, Mr. Padalecki. Bastard must have jumped at the first chance..."

"What is it?" Jared noted the man's eyes quickly dart to his car. He warily walked to it, followed by Jensen. The first thing he saw as he reached it from behind was the back tire from the passenger's side. It was completely deflated, a wide gash torn through it. To his horror, he then saw all the tires were in similar fashion.

Jensen tried to pull him back, but Jared fought to get closer. As he reached the driver's side, the sounds from Jensen's voice muted, as did Clif's barking orders to the bodyguards to get both of them in the other car. 

For two months, the threat of Laura's final words had never felt as real as the consequences of his attack. But the frail sense of safety he had gathered was crushed the moment he laid eyes on the damage written over his car's door. 

There, the white spray paint gleamed under the streetlamp's light, the word _MURDERER_ clearly spelled and big enough for all to see.

~o~

_He lined the rifle's crosshair to the deer's flank. There was no hesitation when he pulled the trigger. As the animal stumbled to its death, Joshua turned expectantly to his father, who sat beside him, peeling an orange._

_"You know, for a boy who just turned twelve today, that was a really nice shot. I'm proud of you, kid." His dad gave him an easy smile._

_"Yeah, it_ was _a nice shot," a rather familiar voice echoed from somewhere close._

 _A scream tore loose from his throat when Joshua looked to his left. A brunette with milky dead eyes and a flow of blood coming from her chest smiled at him. She nodded as best as she could with the rigor mortis set in her neck. "Yeah...I can see the resemblance now..."_

 

Joshua didn't wake with a scream. His silence was too ingrained now. He just shifted his body from the wall he had dozed against and numbly looked around at what had become his refuge. 

_Rich people have way too much shit._

Joshua was real glad the couple that lived next door to his father's killer hardly ever made the time to stay home. Their attic had served him as shelter for the past couple of weeks and he had gotten scarily good at climbing up and down the house. He had even made use of the things inside, always careful to put everything back in its place. It made him feel like some sort of vermin, but beggars couldn't be choosers. And he was so beyond choice, it was almost funny.

Already he had added breaking and entering, robbery, trespassing and several grand theft autos to his list of crimes. Property damage too, after the stunt in that bar's parking lot. Joshua's rage had gotten out of control as he saw the bastard enjoying himself with his fucking friends. Later, he had chided himself for breaking his father's first rule of the hunt. _Never let your prey know you're coming._ He had only succeeded in making his path harder. 

Joshua wasn't proud of the fact that he needed to hide, except he'd seen himself on TV, wanted for questioning in Laura Bouchard's murder. His yearbook picture had been published only after the event at the bar.

Wearily, Joshua wondered if his mom had anything to do with that. Somewhere deep down, he hoped his mother hadn't ratted on him. That she didn't carry that much hate for him.

The only thing he was thankful for was that he'd found out where Padalecki lived before he was forced to hide. It had proven to be very difficult. In fact, it had been easier to break into the hunting goods store where he'd come by his new rifle. 

During one of his many searches for the actor, he'd met Janine. In other circumstances, Joshua would've perhaps liked the petite redhead. But being a fan of his dad's killer made him dislike her just on principle. Nevertheless, Joshua had charmed the hell out of her, up to the point she invited him to visit a set location she'd discovered on the web. 

Joshua had declined with a regretful smile on his face. He couldn't take the chance of his face being known amongst security. But he had watched from afar and after that, everything had run smoothly. 

Almost every night, Joshua watched from the attic's window into the house next door. He had its entire left part committed to memory, but the clearest view was definitively the main bedroom. Where the faggot slept and did disgusting things with the guy he lived with.

The first time Joshua had seen them as they shared intimacies men should never share, he had been surprisingly calm. Even as he wasn't completely sure about his father's faults anymore, he knew that there was no way his dad would have raped Padalecki. The bastard probably had been trying to hide the fact he liked to suck cock and his dad had gotten muddled up in it somehow. Yes, that had been it.

Joshua ran his hand over his face to chase away the rage that consumed him all the damn time. He had to rest while he had the time, because the next day would be a big one. He wasn't sure who, but someone would die.

~o~

When Jensen woke, the first thing he noticed was Jared's absence from the bed. It wasn't rare, most of the time Jay would already be halfway through his workout when Jensen decided to get out of bed. That morning was different though, since it was the last day they would be spending in Vancouver. The third season was done and dusted and Jensen couldn't be more glad.

Without a doubt that it had been their hardest one yet. He didn't even know how they managed to finish the finale when both had been under so much stress. Since the incident at the bar, they had hardly even seen the outside world. Kripke and company's preoccupation with their safety had come to levels that bordered on obsessive. Their worry was so great that Clif had started to stay in the house as well, so security was always there. Jensen didn't blame them; the event had rattled him more than he let show, mainly because of Jared's reaction. 

The younger man had closed off so much, Jensen began to think he was living with a ghost. All Jared did during their rare free time was read for the next scene and pet the dogs. He didn't push Jensen away, but he didn't exactly welcome him either. Until the previous night, that is.

After they arrived from the wrap party, both had been extremely tired and maybe somewhat drunk. Clif had retired as he completely ignored how Jensen stumbled straight to Jared's room. 

Jensen had let himself fall on the bed, steadfast in his decision to bathe later, when Jay had more or less attacked him.

Jensen hadn't complained because his need for Jared had grown with the space the last two weeks had put between them. He especially couldn't complain when Jay had used a combination of mouth, tongue _and_ fingers to get him off. The only thing that didn't sit well was the way Jared had been almost desperate, as if he was afraid he wouldn't see Jensen again. And the way he had shrunk back from getting off himself. Jared just said he was really tired and Jensen didn't push, although he had been a little hurt.

As he made his way down the stairs, he noticed Clif was still asleep and found Jared sitting on one of the dining room chairs. His gray V-neck t-shirt was drenched in sweat and he was softly whispering to Sadie, who had perched her head on his knee. Jensen couldn't help but stare at him for a few minutes before he cleared his throat.

"You worked out the same day we're catching a flight out of here? Dude, that's dedication."

Jared looked at him sheepishly. "Yeah, I've just gotten used to it." He paused before adding with a serious face. "I'm gonna take the dogs to the park for a run before we leave."

"What? I don't think that's safe, Jay."

"I already called the bodyguards. I just wanna say good-bye before they go with the sitter. I can't let- I won't let myself be scared out of living my life. I won't see them until after we get to LA." Intensity burned in his eyes. "I'm doing this."

"Are you sure?" After Jay unquestionably nodded, he asked, "Nothing I can do to make you stay?"

"Not right now, you probably have morning breath," Jared grinned. 

"Well, that's easy, I'll just-"

"Jen...I'll be right back." Jared tried his best reassuring smile. "You can get the bags ready. And wake up Clif. He's gonna need the extra time with the hangover I'm sure he has." 

Just then, a honk signaled the bodyguards' presence outside. Jared quickly stood and gave Jensen a tentative kiss that quickly became deeper. He pushed away before they got lost in it and smiled, "Yeah, it's bad."

"Right back at you, stinker." Jensen couldn't prevent the tightness in his stomach as he watched Jared leave. He figured it was best if he just kept occupied until Jay came back.

 

If the Vancouver police managed to keep their promise that Joshua Bellinger would be arrested before the fourth season started filming, Jensen's mood would improve tenfold. Clif had blearily staggered to the shower and Jensen started to think it could take a while before he became useful.

He was now stuck with the job of hauling their gear to the car. Jared had packed everything he deemed necessary days before and had laid the bags out in the living room. 

_Sneaky bastard,_ Jensen thought while he cautiously made his way outside. The driveway was taken up by Jared's new car and his own. He rolled his eyes as noticed all the moves he would have to make to get Clif's SUV closer to the entrance. After hanging from stunt wires for hours shooting the season's last scene, there was no way he was moving the bags that far out.

Amongst the mutters under his breath, he managed to get the SUV right where he wanted. When he stepped out of the vehicle, Jensen laughed out loud at his horrible parking job. The car was practically crossing the driveway. Reverse parking while nursing a slight hangover wasn't a good idea. 

As he rounded the car and gave his back to it, Jensen heard a weird pop, followed by a descending hiss coming from the driver's side, the one facing the neighbor's house. His face scrunched as he carefully turned around, eyeing his surroundings. There was nobody around, the morning sunshine making everything look eerily still. 

Just as the sound stopped, Jensen caught the same pop and hiss once again. He whipped his head to the car. It looked strangely tilted. Curiosity got the better of him. He neared the vehicle.

"What the _fuck_?" Both tires from the driver's side were deflated. As he bent down to inspect the front one, the car door's window exploded, glass shards raining on his head. Jensen couldn't even scream as he fell to the driveway. He curled into a ball and covered his head with his arms when more pops blasted all around him.

After what felt like minutes, but in reality were seconds, he leaned against the car and erratically looked around. The pounding in his chest grew painful when he took in the massive bullet holes surrounding him like a silhouette. The sheer size of them made him think of how quickly they could take his head off. 

As he gathered his breath, he forced his shaking hands into his pocket. Jensen succeeded in taking his cell phone out, but a silent shot ripped the rearview mirror off and the impact made him drop it. In a matter of seconds, the phone was obliterated by a bullet.

The tears formed in his eyes when he looked up and unsuccessfully sought to pinpoint the trajectory of the shots. Every time he tried to move, another hole would burst next to his head. He didn't even dare to check his watch to see how much time had passed before the smell of gasoline and motor oil engulfed him. Jensen struggled not to panic when he remembered what Detective Pauls had offhandedly told Jared about Joshua Bellinger.

 _"This kid is an excellent sharpshooter."_

All thought escaped him when he looked up to see Jared running towards him from down the street.

“Stop! No…!” Jensen scrambled to his feet and ran towards him. In the seconds that passed, Jensen grabbed Jared and pulled him to the ground, engulfing his body protectively with his own. 

As he covered Jared, not caring that he may be the one to get shot, Jensen asked, “Where are your guards?” Panic made his voice sound high.

“I… I lost them. They couldn’t keep up,” came Jared's out of breath reply.

In that moment, Clif came barreling out of the front door. He looked around and quickly pulled out his cell as he ran towards them. “Stay where you are,” he shouted.

It all happened quickly, like in the blink of an eye or in slow motion. Jensen looked panicked as the big guy approached.

One more pop…hiss and Clif stared wide-eyed back at him.

“Oh god…” Jensen breathed out as Clif came crashing to the ground beside them. "Oh, god..."


	10. Chapter 10

Everything seemed to stop while Jensen stared at Clif's fallen form, which was surrounded by the dogs' concerned nudges. He swore he could hear the blood pump through his veins as the crimson stain on his friend's shirt grew at an alarming rate. The moment Sadie licked his face, Clif made a sound between a cough and a pained grunt and Jensen felt an explosion inside his chest. He tightly grasped Jared's wrist and pulled him toward their bodyguard. He fell to his knees next to the big man as he kept Jared close and the dogs fluttered around them. 

Jensen's eyes frantically searched for Clif's wound and his apprehension grew with every garbled sound that emerged from the man's mouth. The sight of the blood took him back to that fateful Sunday when his life had changed; in some ways so drastically and in others not at all. The hallway of Jared's old house flashed in his mind and he swallowed down his own bile as he pulled Clif's shirt by the neck and saw the gaping wound the bullet had left behind on his left shoulder.

Jensen refused to think about veins and nerves and shattered bones. The only thought he let inside his head was to put pressure on the wound, but before he could place his hands on it, Jared began to mumble erratically, "It's him, isn't it? He's here. It's all my fault..."

Jensen turned to catch Jared's eyes intently fixed on the blood that covered Clif's shirt. The sweaty gray T-shirt Jay wore was stuck to his skin and a sheen covered his face. In a panic, Jensen quickly recognized the start of a flashback attack in his alarmed breaths and clenched muscles. He hastily grabbed Jared's shoulders and shook him slightly, "Nonono, don't! Not now, Jay!" He felt his dread make his voice waver. "Focus! I need you here, man. Come on!"

Jensen could see Jared's awareness return through his faltering nods. 

"Okay, how far away are they, the guards?"

"I- I don't know," stammered Jared.

 _God, why did you have to run so fast?!_ Jay seemed to read his mind when he tearfully said, "I'm so sorry, Jensen. This is my fault."

"Don't-" Jensen started to answer when the sounds coming from their bodyguard began to form words.

"Inside...get inside..." Clif's voice was sluggish, but his eyes conveyed great urgency.

"No, we're not leaving you here." He knew that they were right smack in the middle of danger. Jensen pressed his hands on Clif's shoulder and cringed at hurt groan that flew the older man's mouth. "I don't know where he is, I don't know where the shots are coming from."

"Little bastard." Clif unsuccessfully tried to sit up, Jensen keeping the hold on him strong, but he fell back with a grimace. "Sniper...has to be. Get inside, call the cops..."

"I _said_ we're not leaving you." It didn't escape Jensen how Clif's left arm didn't move at all, even when the man kept jerking forward. At least he could sort of feel the flow of blood slow down. He looked back at Jared, who was still like a statue beside him. "Jay, you with me?"

After a tense pause, he nodded shakily. "Yeah."

Jensen tried to concentrate in the midst of the dogs' whines, Clif's blood as it gradually seeped through his fingers and Jared's shocked stance. "Where's your phone? Mine's- It's gone."

The sudden twist in Jay's face made Jensen inhale sharply. "I left it inside, I wanted to clear my head before we left. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"

"Jared! It's okay, don't say you're sorry. We'll just-" He looked around at the quiet houses that surrounded them and he could just not _believe_ that no one was coming to help. His breath hitched though, when he saw Clif's discarded cell phone lying about ten feet from them. "There! Clif's phone!" He waved his head in its direction. "You'll have to get it, Jay. I have to keep pressure on him."

Jensen felt truly uneasy about having Jared gone from his side, even if it was for just a second. But trading places with him would mean Jared would get blood on his hands and Jensen didn't think he would be able to handle it. 

Jared carefully looked around as he nodded and stood. The slurred complaints coming from Clif deviated Jensen's attention from Jay and he fought back the tears his quickly fading friend brought to his eyes. He knew his concept of the passage of time was completely skewered because he had no clue how many minutes had passed since the shots had started. He held back the wish to blame Jared for losing his bodyguards, the worry over the people he loved overriding it.

"Jay!" He called out, keeping his eyes stuck on Clif's face. "Do you see the guards anywhere?" 

At the silence that answered back, he repeated, "Jay?" 

Just then, Sadie's sudden growls startled Jensen. He looked up at her and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of her bared teeth and her ears flattened on her head. Harley was no less calm, his tail straight up and his body tense like a bowstring. Both dogs' stares were fixed on something behind Jensen's back.

In a second, he turned toward Jared and felt his world come crashing down. 

Jay's face was scrunched and his body was bent in a crouch. His hands were raised and he struggled uncontrollably with the press of the rifle butted against the back of his head. _Son of a bitch!_ Jensen couldn't imagine how in the hell Joshua Bellinger had appeared so fast and so silently. 

The kid stood behind Jared, keeping a death-grip on the weapon and a hard look on his flushed face. He wore a backward baseball cap on his blond head and Jensen couldn't help but think it made him look even younger. When he told them to get Clif inside, his voice was so low, Jensen could hardly catch the order. Seemingly frustrated with their stillness, Joshua pushed and kicked Jared forward, the latter landing on his hands and knees in their front lawn.

"I said get him inside!" Joshua screamed.

The moments that followed streamed in a blur, the dogs' sharp barks and the sound of the rifle cocking as it swung to point at Sadie, who had advanced a few steps toward Joshua. 

Jensen curled and closed his eyes to what he was sure would be the sight of the dog's demise. Instead, he heard Jared's shaky voice yell, "NO! Sadie, stop! Stand down! Harley, down! Stand down!"

When Jensen opened his eyes, he saw that Jared had turned around to face his dogs and actively avoided to look at Joshua. The kid seemed confused as he swerved the rifle between Jared and the dogs, his hold on the trigger stiff. Harley and Sadie appeared confused too as Jared kept his soft orders to stay.

"Get him inside. Just get him inside and leave the dogs." Joshua's tone was calmer but no less rigid.

Jared nodded and stood unsteadily. When he faced Jensen, he had a broken look in his eyes that quietly begged to just comply. Jensen took a deep breath and tried to force his thoughts into Jay's mind. _Let's take it slow, give the guards time to get here, it'll be okay._

They didn't have to pretend to strain much since Clif was already a big guy and the heaviness was increased with his inability to move on his own. It seemed blood loss had already taken its toll and he was barely conscious. Both Jensen and Jared were wary of hurting him further and cringed with every groan that came from him. It took great effort to get him on his feet and his arms over their shoulders. The many pauses they took in the task caused Joshua to step closer, the rifle steadily trained on Jared's head.

"If you're trying to stall, don't." Jensen found it impossible to read the young man's face as he continued in a deadened voice. "'Cause if I see your sitters coming..." He gestured to the rifle. "They're not getting a shoulder wound."

Disbelief paled Jensen's face. "You would just keep killing?" As he stepped backwards, he almost tripped when Clif's arm slipped from his shoulder. "Just like that?" 

Joshua's eyes came alive for a moment. "I'm already wanted for murder. What's two or three more?" He gave a tiny shake to his head. "It doesn't matter. I got you now, so just get inside before I have to leave your brains splattered everywhere." He took a step forward and brought the rifle closer to Jared.

Jensen failed to see anything beyond that. He clutched Clif harder, gripping Jared's hand behind their bodyguard's back. Their eyes met and Jensen tried to give him a reassuring smile, just to find that he couldn't.

When he actually heard the shouts of the men that served as extra security, what he felt was anything but relief. At the first _"Stop!"_ Joshua turned and fired. In a matter of seconds, he pushed them toward the splayed front door. They tumbled inside the foyer when the young man fired again. Jensen couldn't see if he had shot the bodyguards. While the kid shut the door behind him, Jensen fought to keep the hope that they would get out alive.

~o~

Joshua couldn't really breathe as he stared at the closed door, although he didn't let it show. He had just killed again and this time he couldn't blame it on anything other than his own decision. He could hardly recognize himself when he thought it was just as well. On that day death had a clear purpose. It was means to an end, to justice. Or maybe simply revenge. 

He closed his eyes tight while he cleared his head of the nightmarish images that had accompanied him for the last few days. _I'm proud of you, kid._

After he finally brought himself under control, Joshua turned to find his captives silently retreating into the spacious kitchen beyond the entrance hall. They were fools if they thought he didn't know the side exit was that way.

He became exasperated then. "What the fuck are you doing?" 

Joshua let the rifle dangle from its sling and reached for the handgun hidden underneath his shirt as he angrily strode toward the kitchen. He fired a single loud shot that whirled past Padalecki's boy and blew a hole into the fridge, forcing them to drop the bleeding bodyguard to the floor. Both men went down to either side of him, gripped by his hushed complaints.

"Don't, please..." Padalecki begged, not once looking at him. That only made Joshua more furious.

"Oh, you can't face what you did? You fucking bastard. Look at me," he seethed. When he received no response, Joshua fired again, this time inches from Ackles' head. The dark blond actor hunched over his bodyguard and covered his ears, the shot no doubt still ringing inside his brain.

Padalecki blanched and lunged toward the other man. "No! Don't hurt him!"

"Stay back!" Joshua pocketed the gun and gripped the rifle. "Don't you fucking touch him, or I'll blow his head off." 

Padalecki stopped moving, though he still didn't face the young man. As he held the rifle to Ackles' head, Joshua realized he could control the bastard better by threatening his boy. _How sweet._

"Move away from him." Joshua felt like he could vomit when Ackles whispered _"it's okay, Jay."_ Only then did Padalecki begin to retreat.

After his father's killer had tensely sat back, Joshua searched through his jacket and threw a pair of handcuffs to Ackles, who caught them as if by instinct. "You, cuff yourself to the big guy." At the plain refusal to cooperate written in his face, Joshua fumed, " _Now,_ before I kill you and make your boyfriend cry." He glanced back at Padalecki and noticed him as he tried to hold back his tears. "Aww, look, it's too late for the big baby."

Ackles' eyes blazed with barely restrained fury, even as he complied with the order. "You're fucking sick." 

Silently, Joshua thought maybe he was, because the way the blood stood stark against the white of Ackles' hands made him feel slightly vindicated.

"Nah, man, I'm fucking grieving." Joshua had to laugh to keep his father's face away from his mind. "It's different." 

He threw an extra pair of cuffs at Padalecki, which hit him straight in the chest and landed between his bent knees. "Pick 'em up and go over there." Joshua signaled to the fridge. "Cuff yourself to the door. I want you away from your babysitters."

The actor kept frozen in place, his face down and shoulders shaking.

"I said move, faggot!" Joshua flipped the rifle's sling over his head and brought its butt against Padalecki's back, hard.

"Don't you fucking touch him!" Ackles' expression was livid as he squeezed harder on the bodyguard's shoulder with his free hand. Tension seemed to rip through him like a bulldozer and Joshua understood he had to keep the intimidation high. There was no way he could win an actual fair fight against them. Especially Ackles, who looked more angry than afraid. So Joshua wasted no time striking him on the side of the head with the rifle.

"Okay, okay!" Padalecki almost ran to obey as Joshua glared at the man before him. "I'll do it! Just don't hit him." 

When he turned, Joshua found his main target with his back leaned against the refrigerator's door, his hands fastened to the handle. Padalecki had stared briefly at him before he quickly averted his eyes. He stooped low until he came to rest on his haunches, burying his face in his up-stretched forearms as Joshua took enraged footsteps toward him.

"Is it guilt, you motherfucker? Is that why you can't look at me?" Venom pure in his blood, Joshua sneered, "What? I look too much like him? Does my face just fuck up your _perfect_ life?" Angry with the quiet sobs that responded, he screamed at Padalecki, "Look at me!"

Ackles' roughened voice shouted from behind Joshua's back, "He can't, asshole!" 

Joshua spun to see him clutch his bleeding head as he continued his unwelcomed rant, "He's seen enough of your fucked-up father!"

"You shut the fuck up! My father was a good man!"

"Kid...you gotta be brain-damaged." His tone was incredulous, though it swiftly changed, the spite almost tangible. "Your father was a rapist scum and I'm _glad_ he's rotting in hell."

Joshua shook his head fervently. "He wouldn't have done that." He couldn't prevent bearing his teeth like a wild animal. "He wasn't a fag, like you and the pansy-assed fucker here."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Ackles' kneeled frame shook in what could only be described as absolute wrath. "I mean, it seems the only way he could get it up was by beating the crap out of people and making them bleed. So no, he wasn't a fag, he was just a psychopathic fuck!"

All Joshua could see was red when he raised the rifle by the barrel. Ackles kept his vitriolic stare on him until the weapon crashed over his head. Joshua paid no mind to Padalecki's cries to stop as he struck down over and over. He heard the refrigerator's door open and rattle, but he only stopped when the blood-stained rifle broke apart in his hands.

Ackles was bent over his unconscious bodyguard, his breaths hard and staggered. The trickles of blood that flowed from the back of his head caressed his face and neck like fingers. Nonetheless, he forced himself to meet Joshua's eyes, dazed but still defiant.

That boldness was what made Joshua pull back all the pain and rage he felt. He drowned in it, deafened as he ferociously slammed his boot-covered foot into Ackles' head. The actor fell back to the floor, the distance he fell shortened by his left hand cuffed to the other man. He rolled his eyes dully before he too lost consciousness.

Joshua numbly stared at the still bodies in front of him. They were his handiwork, the results he'd gathered from his vengeance quest. And despite the blood that poured before him, his thirst was nowhere near satisfied.

~o~

The combination of his tears and the wild beats of his heart made Jared feel lightheaded. He swallowed down the nausea as he pulled on the fridge's door, completely focused on Jensen's unmoving figure. The pain he felt blazed through his chest, through his guts. In that moment, he would have traded an eternity under the most violent torture if only he could make Jensen wake up and stop bleeding.

The thunderous dissonance of _no, please, no_ that screamed inside his head almost made Jared miss Joshua as he advanced toward him. He wore a murderous look on his face as he whispered, "This is all your fault."

Jared came back to himself in time to see the kid's boot rushing to his head.

 

The hard slaps on his face and the shrill ring of the phone woke Jared from his pain-filled daze. He opened his eyes wide and skittered backwards, Joshua's face too close for comfort. When he felt the refrigerator's door slam close with his back glued to it, Jared's eyes searched madly around. 

He moaned, distraught at the sight of Jensen still sprawled beside Clif. He couldn't stop the thought that being a witness to that was the worst thing in the whole godforsaken tragedy. The sudden alarm in Joshua's tone pulled him out of his trance and brought him back to reality.

"Where the fuck is it?" The young man stabbed Jared with his eyes, but Jay couldn't answer. He was too gripped by the overwhelming likeness between the kid and his months-dead father. He swore he could see the same ruddiness he'd glimpsed in Robert Bellinger's face during his assault. 

"The phone, you idiot! Where is it?!"

Through the shock, Jared realized the redness in Joshua's face was caused the flashing lights coming from outside. His heart stuttered with small hope and he blurted, "The- the living room. It's in the living room."

Joshua kept his nervous stare on Jared for a few seconds before he stepped away in a dash. When he came back, he thrust the blaring cordless phone into Jay's cuffed hands and pushed the handgun to his head. "Answer it," he growled.

Jared swallowed hard and glanced at the enlarging blood pool underneath Jensen's head. He took a deep breath and thought _I can do this,_ while he rose on his knees to better reach his bound hands.

He pushed the talk button and stammered, "Y-yeah?" 

"Mr. Padalecki? Jared?" the gruff voice answered.

"Yes."

"This Anthony Crowell. You remember me?" After Jared repeated _yes,_ the detective continued, "There's a couple of patrols in front of your home and we're on our way. Try to keep calm, okay? We're going to get you out of this."

A new surge of tears emerged in Jared's eyes as Joshua pressed the gun harder and hissed, "Who is it?"

He couldn't reply before Crowell spoke again, "Your neighbor's kid saw you earlier. Apart from Clif, is anybody else hurt? Are you hurt?"

His eyes shifted to Jensen. "I'm not, but Jensen's-" He stopped when Joshua repeated his earlier question with an even harder push of the gun.

"Jared, put him on the phone," Crowell instructed.

Jared concentrated on breathing as he tentatively offered Joshua the phone. "I-It's the police. They wanna talk to you."

Joshua moved back as if the proximity to Jared and the phone burned. He shook his head and cried, "What?! No!"

Stunned, Jared's terror cracked as he became aware of the first marked difference between Joshua and his father. Whereas Robert had delivered every ounce of pain with a sure hand and an empty joy, his son was completely besieged by his emotions. He wore them on the surface and anybody who looked could read them clearly. And at that moment, what his posture said was that he was angry, but also afraid.

Even though Jay was still horrified, he decided to push his luck. "You need to talk to them. They're gonna want to know what you want. Y-your demands..."

"Demands? I don't want anything!" His eyes became brighter by the second. "I just want you to pay! You fucking ruined my life!"

Jared flinched when Joshua rushed at him and ripped the phone from his hands. It shattered after the kid threw it against the wall. "He was the only good thing in my life! And you took him away!" 

The guilt that had saturated the background of Jay's every thought crashed into the forefront. The one he hadn't even told Jensen about. Jared tried unsuccessfully to hold back his shame as he uttered, "I'm sorry... He was killing me. I had to stop him..."

Joshua paced in front of him, shaking his head. "No, he wouldn't have! He never hurt Mom and she fucking deserved it!" It seemed like he didn't notice the tears as they ran down his face. "He never hurt me or my sisters. My dad wasn't a freak, he wasn't..."

"I-I can't make you believe me, but I'm not lying. I wish I was. Your father beat me and he tortured me and he-" Jared's wracking sobs didn't let him finish the sentence as he clenched his fists. "He did horrible things and I just needed him to stop."

"No..." Joshua ceased to pace and he slid down the wall a couple of feet from Jared, the gun clutched in his hand. 

Jay dismally thought of how young and hurt he looked. "You don't know how much I wish it wasn't true. I wish it hadn't happened at all. And I wish I could've found some other way, but I couldn't even think. He hurt me that fucking much." He held still when the memories assailed him. 

Jared fought them back as much for his sanity as for Jensen and Clif. They needed him to keep his head clear. "I was terrified. And he was gonna kill me. He told me how he was going to gut me open and cut my head off, like he did to that girl, to Christine." His trembling trailed out of control. "Not a day goes by when I don't think of your father...and what he did to me." He gulped hard. "Or what I did to him."

"What did you say?" Joshua's stare was fixed on Jared and filled with horror. 

He didn't know how to answer, how to explain further. "I-I'm sorry, I-"

The blond's face scrunched as he wiped his damp cheeks. "You said a name."

It took Jay some seconds before he understood. He felt his own tears course uninterrupted. "Your dad told me about a girl he killed. I think she looked like Laura. You knew Laura." He was fearful of the darkness that crossed Joshua's face at the mention of his late neighbor. "Her name was Christine. He said he killed her fiancée too, but I don't remember his name."

A rush of dread gripped Jared when the kid stood and walked over to him. He stuck his body closer to the cold refrigerator as Joshua tensely shuffled in his back pocket and produced something silver-colored. A chain dangled from it. He shoved it in Jay's face. 

With a devastated air, Joshua whispered to him, "It was in my dad's box. The one he hid in the closet. Take it. Read it."

Jared saw it was a pendant, a solid four-leaf clover to be exact, as he grabbed it with some difficult due to his aching, restrained hands. He twisted it and, through his swollen eyes, he read the inscription on its back. _My love, my forever, my Christine._

"Do you think it's hers?" Joshua's wide eyes and trembling chin reminded Jay of a little boy, but it was hard to feel pity when the passing minutes only put Jensen and Clif in more danger.

"I don't know. It could be."

Joshua sniffed and reached for the pendant, but stopped suddenly, his eyes locked on Jared's hands. He grabbed one of them and pulled. Jay jerked and tried to escape from the hold. He only succeeded in digging the handcuffs deeper into his skin. "Don't touch me! Please, don't!"

His captor remained frozen and Jared had to still his panicked squirms to spot what had the kid so transfixed. 

The cuffs had already left red lines over his wrists, but the healed rope burn scars stood out underneath, so much lighter and pinkish that his normally tanned skin. Jared dropped his head against the fridge and shuddered. He never took his eyes off of Joshua as he let the young man scrutinize him.

Without a doubt, it was hard to feel _those_ eyes travel over his scars, but Jared lost himself in the thought that it was necessary. _I have to. For Clif. For Jensen. For Jensen._

Although, the moment he felt Joshua touch his neck, he reacted violently. He cried out when the gun was pressed roughly against his head, the push forcing him back to the fridge. The taste of blood flooded his mouth as he bit his lips when Joshua grabbed his T-shirt's neck and pulled the material to expose his collarbone.

Shame burned through Jared's insides and he felt each moment Robert Bellinger had dug his teeth into his skin as if it was happening all over again. "Please just stop... I can't do this... Just leave us alone, please?"

Joshua seemed in shock as he stepped back and his whole frame shook uncontrollably. He whispered repeatedly, "Oh, god...oh, god," as he let the gun fall from his hand with a clatter.

Jared followed the kid as he stared at the carnage around him, his face breaking apart by the second. He continued to step further away, horrified. The light from the windows strayed on Joshua and all Jay could feel was a sick pounding in his chest.

There was an instant when their eyes met when Jared's head hollowed out of everything that surrounded him. But the crushing tension came back in full force when the window next to Joshua exploded with a bang and the young man fell to his knees with a grunt. He clutched his right shoulder and quickly, blood poured between his fingers.

The next minutes were a flurry of almost unintelligible activity. The front and side doors busted open and officers dressed in tactical gear flooded the kitchen. Jared could hear himself scream at them to get a doctor, paramedics, anybody.

Blind to everything that wasn't Jensen, he stood and pulled savagely at his restraints and the entire refrigerator screeched as he moved it forward by its door. His desperation rose high and he yelled through his tears. "Fuck! Just help them, goddammit! Jensen!"

Jared heard Joshua whimper as he was cuffed and his pockets searched through, but he couldn't be bothered to care. He didn't even notice the moment a police officer found the keys to the cuffs and he was released. 

Several bodies kept him away from Jensen as the paramedics finally made their way to the injured men. Jared batted away the hands that flashed lights in his eyes and he fumed at the repeated questions coming from the emergency personnel. "I said I was fucking fine! Just help them!"

His heart contracted when paramedics fastened a brace around Jensen's neck and very carefully strapped him to a back board before he was loaded on a stretcher. Somewhere on the back of his mind, Jared noticed Clif surrounded too and even Joshua as his shoulder was checked by detached medics.

As he looked at the blood that had soaked the back of Jensen's head, a rage he'd never felt before overtook him. Jared tore through the people that separated him from Joshua and hammered his closed fist into his face. It took three officers to stop him from pummeling the young man. He only calmed when Detective Pauls shouted his name.

The woman stood in the foyer next to Jensen's stretcher. "Jared! Stop, before I have to arrest you for assault. And, _believe me,_ I don't want to do that."

His hard, angry breaths didn't let him answer, but he shook off the arms that held him and made his way to her. A whimper escaped his mouth when he saw that Jensen's eyes were opened as he struggled to look at Jay. He had to lean extremely close to catch what Jensen was trying say.

"You...okay?"

Jared nodded and pinned down his tears as he whispered, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good... Love you, Jay..."

Flooded with emotion, Jared felt an incredible need to touch Jensen, but he wasn't sure if he could hurt him. He settled his hand over the older man's chest gently as he replied, "I love you too, man. Just don't die on me, please?"

"Won't...promise." Jared could see as Jensen tried to smirk, but instead he closed his eyes, apparently too out of it to continue.

While the paramedics began to wheel the stretcher outside, Jared kept his hand gripped tight on it, determined not to leave Jensen's side. 

For Jensen had evolved into so many things for Jared, from his best friend to, not surprisingly, his lover and pillar of strength. And Jared was readily prepared to return the favor.


	11. Chapter 11

Jensen touched the note stuck on the dresser's mirror and read it for the twentieth time since he'd woken up, though he wouldn't actually admit it. _Be back in a couple of hours, left you biscuits in the fridge._ Underneath that, almost as an afterthought, _Don't worry._ There was a messy doodle under the words, which Jensen thought might have been a happy face. Or an ancient Sumerian symbol; he wasn't really sure. 

After almost five months since the incident in their home, at least Jared seemed to be in a good mood, while Jensen was definitively not.

It had nothing to do with Jared's sneaky absences, not really. Those had begun after they'd gone back to work on the fourth season. Or maybe they were the whole reason for his mood and Jensen only wished he could deal better with his obsession with Jay's safety. Or with the apprehension he felt when he saw Jared cavort on set with Genevieve, the new girl. 

Jensen was happy he could plainly see Jay had begun to crackle the shell that surrounded him. It didn't mean he was blind to how much Gen looked like Jared's usual type of girl and just how _female_ she was. 

Truth was neither of them had leaned their tendencies towards men before. Jensen could certainly admire womanly assets quite nicely, but he was clear that what he felt for Jared defied category. Though he'd had no inclination that Jay felt differently, the confusion definitely kept Jensen occupied enough not to think of the nightmares that had cursed their summer break. 

Ever since he'd woken up in a hospital bed with an excruciating pain that made his head feel five sizes too big, Jensen had found himself questioning everything around him. Never before had he doubted the shadows around him, feared every little sound. While the worry for Jared had been constant lately, the destruction of his own sense of safety had been hard to face. 

Initially, he couldn't comprehend how Jay had even managed to leave the shelter the hospital room had provided following the rape; much less tackle everything that had come after. Though he knew it hadn't been the same thing, the encounter with Joshua Bellinger had still made him feel as if he had to learn to walk with darkness stalking behind. 

The only thing Jensen had been sure of was the first thing he'd seen after he'd woken. The sight of Jared's hand curled over his own. He had forced himself to turn his eyes and had caught Jay's sleeping face propped against the bed rails.

The irony hadn't been lost on Jensen, the fact that seven months before, their places had been reversed. But he had thought it was better that way, because if he'd awakened to find Jared lying in a paper gown somewhere or _worse_ , Jensen was pretty certain he would have never been able to fill the hole in his heart.

Even so, the days that followed the attack were tough. In between the bouts of nausea and dizziness, his doctor had explained he'd suffered a very serious concussion. Jensen had even lost some memories of the day. He had to be informed that their bodyguards had been killed and that Clif had been admitted to a room nearby. His friend had almost lost his left arm and that had only served to further the upheaval Jensen felt.

Their summer plans had been completely disrupted as well. Instead of vacationing overseas, they had opted to stay in LA. With the doctor's orders to take it easy, to watch out for convulsions and other sings of brain injury, Jensen felt a need to hide underneath the weight of it all. 

To top it off, both had been notified that their presence would be required for Joshua's trial and that was something Jensen did not want to do. Just the thought of sitting down in a courtroom to testify had made his breath short. He had stayed strong in front of that weakness. Because as much as he had felt lost and out of touch, Jared still drifted by his side.

He'd noticed how Jay seemed different at times. The experience with Joshua had altered him in some way, but Jensen couldn't tell how, because the change was a subtle thing. It had been more evident in the late hours of the night, when Jensen's headaches roused him from sleep to find Jared sitting with his back to the headboard, already awake. Jensen had pushed his own pain deeper in front of the impassive look on Jay's face.

During the morning, he'd asked Jared if his nightmares had returned. The younger man had taken a minute before he replied _"No,"_ as if he needed to size up his answer before he voiced it. Jensen hadn't known how to get more from him and the way Jared had quickly transformed his stance into a livelier one seemed like a plea to drop the questions. He had complied, particularly because Jared had proceeded to try to suck his curiosity through his dick.

Although, shortly after that, Jared had surprisingly sought help in the form of therapy. He didn't begin his sessions until they had gone back to Vancouver. After the first appointment, which Jensen could have sworn took hours, Jay had stormed out of the office and griped that he wouldn't go back. 

Once they had reached their car, Jensen had asked, why? Jay had looked down at his shoes and said that he really wanted to get better and when he had started to talk everything sort of spilled out. At the end of the session, Doctor Kirkpatrick had told him it seemed that he suffered from rape trauma syndrome and extreme guilt issues. The first thing that had popped in Jensen's head at that was _no shit, Sherlock._

Jay had read his eyes though and quickly added, "That's not the problem, man."

Jensen had paused before he handed the keys to Jay. His head had hurt too much to drive. "What is it, then? You don't like her? We can keep searching for someone else if you don't."

"No, she's okay. She listened without being all weird. I don't know. She made me feel like I could talk."

Not for the first time, Jensen had wondered how Jared's mind actually worked. "Then, what's the problem?"

Jay had silently slid into the car and waited for Jensen to do the same before he said, "I told her some things about you." He'd stopped and immediately whined, "She said I had...co-dependency issues with you!"

Unable to hold his laughter, Jensen had blurted, "That bitch!"

Exasperation had crossed Jay's face. "I can't believe you're laughing at me!"

"I'm not! Not at you, Jay." When Jay's look didn't change, Jensen had countered, "Look, when do you have to come back?"

"I told you, I don't wanna come back."

Jensen had given Jay a pointed look then. "Come on, don't be melodramatic, baby. When's your next appointment?" 

"Next week," Jared had grumbled.

"Well, next week when you come back, you tell your doc that you need help with the trauma and the guilt, but that co-dependency is totally okay when it's mutual. Tell her we're doing fine with it, fantastic even."

Jensen was glad with the smile on Jared's face, "You're a dork." He bit the corner of his bottom lip as if he needed to concentrate. "And calling me _baby_ when I'm freaking out is a low blow, man. I can't properly smack you for it."

"Oookay. Just drive, hot stuff."

They had gone straight to work after, Jared still objecting to Jensen's terms of endearment.

~o~

Once the first week of shooting was over, they fell into an easy rhythm. One that began to splinter after Jay was given a week off and Jensen stayed behind to travel to the past with the older Winchester. Jared had gone to Hawaii with his sister after Jensen had convinced him that it was alright, that he deserved to enjoy his time off somewhere different.

It was only after he had returned that Jared began to disappear every so often. He gave Jensen varied reasons for it, ranging from _"went with Clif to physical therapy sessions"_ to _"lost track of time with the dogs"_ to Jensen's least favorite, _"ran into Genevieve and grabbed lunch with her."_

He had been reluctant to accept that he was jealous, but he was indeed and it made him feel even worse. That, along with his headaches, the upcoming trial and the general sense of coming apart made his mood plunge when he woke that morning to find Jared gone again. 

After he tried to unsuccessfully call Jay's cell, he stopped his attempts to reach him, not inclined to remember what had happened the last time Jared hadn't answered his phone. Jensen sought to spend the hours in their home gym or with the dogs. He even began to clear some of the boxes that were still unpacked in the cellar after the move from his apartment. Lost in what he found in one of the cardboard boxes, he almost didn't notice the moment Jared came home. Almost.

Jensen anticipated the instant Jay appeared in the doorway with an odd and nervous look in his face. "What ya doing down here?"

A moment's pause and Jensen answered, "Clearing some stuff." He didn't want to ask, but it just came out. "Where were you?"

Jared's face paled for a second. "Just around, had to take care of something." 

"Right..." For all the great scenes he nailed during the course of _Supernatural,_ Jensen could clearly tell he was lying. "Why don't you try the truth now?"

"I'm not..." 

Jared looked defeated as Jensen strode toward him a bag in his hands. He handed it to Jay as he said in quiet anger, "I got this for you in New York. They're early editions, thought you might get a kick out of them."

Even as Jensen knew his crankiness was part of the side-effects of his concussion and it hurt like hell, he didn't stay to see what Jared's reaction was to the books he had bought a year before.

~o~

Jared was proud of himself for the level of professionalism with which he had tackled the last couple of days. Nothing in his demeanor had betrayed just how much he wanted to drown every time Jensen didn't look at him.

When they played against each other, he could only see Dean in Jensen's eyes. Furthermore, the tension wasn't isolated to the set only. Home had been a mostly silent affair and it only made the sounds and images in Jared's head seem louder, clearer. 

The days he'd dreaded for the past month had finally arrived and he couldn't prevent the thoughts that plagued and burned inside. _A year ago, I almost died. A year ago, I killed a man..._ Jared hadn't regained every single memory of the hours he'd spent under assault and he thankfully thought he probably never would. But it appeared his mind wanted to fill the voids all on its own anyway.

He needed Jensen. Needed him so much it hurt, in his chest, under his skin, just plain everywhere, but Jensen felt far-away. Even though he had stayed by Jared's side. During the night he would curl his arms around Jay and the younger man couldn't prevent burying his face into his neck, where Jensen's scent inundated his senses. Jared hung to those moments and inevitably feared the alarm's blast, for it meant Jensen would go back to his distant attitude.

He knew there was no one to blame, but himself and he was the only one who could fix it. However, what it would take to make things better was probably one of the hardest things Jared could do. Before the rape, (and he still cringed when he thought of it like that) he would've had no trouble in saying what he needed to, but after... 

The whole mess had left him unable to find his voice easily. The only times it had come out was when he clung to the last straw, when it was the single thing that could keep him from the abyss. He thought the situation with Jensen certainly qualified.

As he made his way to Jensen's trailer, breathing in the brisk air to calm his nerves, he saw Genevieve give him a thumbs-up. He had come to think of her as a friend, especially after they had been informed of their upcoming love scene and he'd freaked. She had thought it was because of her and followed him to his trailer, bent on finding out why. He hadn't managed to keep his verbal diarrhea under control.

With a pained look in her eyes, she had listened to his extremely edited story. Later, she had told him how her cousin had been assaulted back when both of them were in high school. The girl hadn't received any help and, in Genevieve's words, she had become _"a ghost."_

So, they had built a small bond and she knew how his plan to help Jensen had backfired massively. 

Jared hoped that by letting him know from just how far Jensen had saved him, he would understand the need to repay the favor.

He knocked on the trailer's door as he opened it. Jensen was on the phone with his back turned and Jay couldn't help but overhear the end of the conversation. 

_"About the same, Mom."_

_"Yes, I'm taking the pills."_

_"He's fine, Mom."_

_"Will do."_

_"Love you too, Mom."_

Without turning, Jensen ended the call, cleared his throat and greeted him softly, "What's up, Jared?"

"I wanted to talk to you." Jared kept his voice low in an attempt to quell the storm inside his chest. He tentatively walked inside. "Bob wants the set changed, so I think we got some time. If you want, I mean."

Jensen faced him with unblinking eyes before he motioned to one of the trailer's tables. That counted as a victory to Jared as he silently sat and waited for Jensen to slump down in the sofa in front of him. 

"So," Jensen drawled. "Talk."

"Umm, okay." His eyes never left the floor as he struggled to explain himself. Jensen's voice made him look up.

"Jay... I know we're not doing all that great, but I don't wanna put you on the spot. If you don't really wanna talk, then don't." He took a deep, tired breath. "I just wish you wouldn't lie to me."

Jared pushed all the honesty he could through his eyes. "I'm sorry. I thought if you knew, then you would've tried to stop me. I swear I didn't wanna hurt you."

"Is this about her?" There was a hushed fury in Jensen's posture.

Eyebrows scrunched, Jared wondered, "Her? I don't know what you mean..."

"Genevieve." Jensen huffed, "Do you like her? She's definitively more girly than I am."

With widened eyes, Jared stammered, "You think I'm- No, no, that's not it, Jensen. She's just a friend. I don't want anybody else. There's just you. Even if you were a eunuch," he paused at Jensen's look of horror, "I'd just want you."

Something like relief loaded Jensen's face before it turned into suspicion. "What's gonna make me mad then?" He budged on the sofa, "What's going on, Jay?"

Apprehension filled Jared's gut and he swore he could feel the scar from his surgery burn. "Well, you know when I went to Hawaii?" After Jensen nodded, he continued, "When I got back, I got a call from one of the detectives from the case, you know, Pauls? She said Joshua Bellinger wanted to talk to me. That he would make a deal if I just talked to him."

"So you did?" Shock crept up Jensen's face, masked by doubt.

"I didn't want to at first, but they kept insisting." A mantra of _"please, just understand"_ ran through Jared's head. "So I went and then I changed my mind about a hundred times and then I just did it. I wanted to help-"

"You wanted to help the little psycho who wanted you dead?" Jensen's voice was almost a whisper. "Who killed people to get to you? Who shot Clif?"

"No, wait.-"

Jensen rose suddenly and so did his tone. "What the hell did he want?"

"H-He wanted to explain, to tell me he knows the truth now." Jared's tears weren't far behind, panic scratched at his heart. "He wanted to say he was sorry. I just wanted to help you." 

Jensen marched in the space between the sofa and the table. "By helping the guy who almost killed me?" Three paces to the left. "By getting him a deal?" Two more to the right. "Time off for apologizing?" He stopped directly in front of Jay. "How does that work, Jared?!"

"Wait, stop!" The fear he felt quickly gave Jared the courage to grip Jensen's hand. "He didn't get time off, he plead guilty, to everything!"

The wave of words went completely out of Jay's control. "That was the deal, he would plead guilty if I talked to him and I _know_ you didn't want to go to trial and now there won't be a one." He closed his eyes and sighed, "He's never getting out."

When Jared felt Jensen's warm hand cradle his face, relief broke through him. "The Crown Attorney said that with the publicity a trial would bring, some high-priced lawyer could have taken his case pro-bono or something. And it was fucking horrible to see him again, but I couldn't take that chance. He hurt you and he almost took you away from me and I just couldn't have..." He opened his eyes to find Jensen crouched in front of him, distress in place of the previous anger.

"Oh, fuck, Jay..." The older man hooked an arm around his back and the other over his shoulder. His voice was muffled against Jared's neck. "You shouldn't have put yourself through that, not for me. I wasn't really looking forward to it, but I could've done the trial."

Jared shook his head, losing the battle with his tears. "I had to do something. You've helped me so much this year, Jen. I know that it's been hard for you too, with your worrying about me and now with the headaches and everything. I wanted to help you back."

"You didn't have to..."

"Yes, I did." With striking clarity, Jared needed to make sure Jensen realized just how important he really was. He drew back from Jensen's arms and stared fixedly at his face. "You saved my life, Jensen. Not just when you found me that day, but after too." He gulped and steeled himself to continue. "Just before I s-stabbed him, I saw it in his face. That he was done threatening me, that he was gonna kill me. And I guess I just reacted. It was instinct, you know, me not wanting to go down like that. But when I woke up in the hospital... And when I couldn't sleep because the nightmares were so awful, I wondered why I saved myself... I wanted to die."

The look of utter anguish that cracked Jensen's face stirred Jay on. "But you were there. You stayed by me and you even slept by my fucking side, you know? Who does that?" Jared wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand and nervously smiled. "You showed me I wasn't alone in how I felt for you. You gave me my life back and I thank you and I love you for that."

Jensen kept still and quiet at first, but after a pause that filled Jared with anticipation, he shifted closer and slid his mouth over Jay's. The reaction was immediate, Jared's lips parted to give him entry and as his tongue reached in and savored him, Jay felt him settle in the place where he belonged. Nestled right beside his heart.

"This wasn't your fault. It really wasn't." Jensen actually cuddled him. "You have to know... More than that... You have to _believe_... It was self-defense, Jay."

~o~

The Saturday night after the conversation, Jensen had recognized just how _gone_ he was for Jay. The knowledge burst inside his chest like a supernova, the way they had become a symbiotic entity, two very different halves that somehow just fit together. It dawned on him the moment after deciding they were too tired to have a night out. They both slumped on their wide and comfortable sofa and mildly argued over who would choose the entertainment.

While Jared animatedly cited all the various reasons why Jensen couldn't win, which supposedly all added up to his _"lame-ass taste"_ and _"you being all jealous of Gen like a freaking caveman,"_ Jensen studied the light that had come back to Jay's eyes. He'd noticed it before, a waned flicker at most though. Before the situation with Joshua, before Jensen's stay in the hospital and the whole anxiety over the trial. But Jared's desperation had made that frail glimmer recede until it had almost died out again. Just the thought of how he'd added to its near-death made Jensen's headache more pronounced. 

His hand flew by its own accord to massage his temples, feeling the painful pressure born in the back of his head. Eyes closed, he instantly heard the silence fall around him, before Jared's worried voice filtered through. 

"Is it really bad? Did you take the pills?" The look in his eyes matched the tone of his words.

A sheepish smile crossed Jensen's face. "Ahh, no. Wanted to have a pill-free day." At Jay's visible exasperation, he quickly added. "They make me sleepy, man. I don't like it."

"Oh..." The younger man eyed him for a second and scooted closer. His sweatpants-covered knees nudged Jensen's thighs. "I'm gonna try something, okay?"

Jared brought both hands to either side of Jensen's head and began to trace circles on his temples. His thumbs caressed with the barest of touches. The sensation flamed goosebumps down Jensen's arms and he leaned back into the support Jared's long fingers made around his head.

"What are you doing?" He asked with eyes closed.

Jared's voice was a hushed whisper. "You're not the only one who can do Google research." He slid his thumbs over Jensen's eyebrows and increased the pressure of his strokes. "This is supposed to help you. It's gonna relax you and make your blood flow better or something."

Before Jensen could quirk his eyebrow, Jared leaned even closer and grazed his lips over Jensen's, a soft trail with just a tiny hint of want. He smiled, a mischievous glint in his eyes as he moved back and Jensen tried to follow his mouth. "Jen, you gotta stay still so I can finish."

"You bastard," Jensen moaned. 

Jared laughed, the sound so different from the one he used to let loose before, but real nonetheless. He continued to press his fingers throughout Jensen's body, to his nape, around his elbows, to the meaty point between his thumb and index finger. He allowed his own fingers to trail between the stops and Jensen felt every line as if he was a connect-the-dots puzzle, Jared wanted to solve.

Restraint hardly there, he hissed and cursed every time Jay switched a touch for a feathery kiss, only to take it away quickly. Jensen felt his skin blaze and tingle when Jay's hands left him and with shallow breaths, he noticed his blood had definitively flowed, the current gone straight to his dick.

Jared shifted and pressed his mouth so close to Jensen's face, he could feel his breath ghost over his lips. "Do you feel better?" Not waiting for a response, he widened his eyes in likely fake surprise and said in that same hush, "Man, I forgot there's one in your feet."

"One of what?"

"Pressure point." He quickly fell to his knees and made a show of squeezing Jensen's bare feet, before he ran his hands up his legs. Skillfully and, if Jensen judged by the roguish air on his lips, a little _evil,_ Jared ignored the other man's obvious arousal pressed to his chest as he let his chin rest against Jensen's belly.

"You still wanna watch a movie? I'll let you choose."

The little half-smirk was what did his self-control in. Jensen pushed forward and caught Jared's face with his hands as he engulfed his mouth hard. His heartbeat almost too frantic to breathe. His hands ran free through Jay's smooth hair. He never pulled, Jensen knew Jared would flinch at that, but his hands did a powerful sweep that did nothing to quench the need to make Jared his.

He let his mouth travel over Jay's cheek, licked at the dimple that formed there and dashed his hands over the younger man's back, digging his fingers in the slim hips trapped between his thighs. He felt Jared's hardness grind against his own, felt the shudders of Jay's agitated breath alongside his neck.

Pretty sure that he would die if he didn't feel the heat of Jared's naked skin, Jensen tangled his hands underneath the soft cotton t-shirt, engrossed at the sensation of the taut muscles there. He had to swallow hard to drift his mind enough from the ache between his legs to form words. "Jay..." he exhaled amidst moist kisses to Jared's jaw line, "Let's go to the bedroom. Shit, Jay, I need..."

"Yeah, yeah..." Jared nodded into his throat and pinched the sensitive skin there with his teeth, making Jensen grip him harder as he pulled him from his knees. 

The journey to the bedroom was slow, with the dogs tangled in their legs and the way Jared pushed Jensen against the walls, sucking on his lips and pressing his hard-on to Jensen's equally strained cock. 

Finally, Jensen had to push back and gently drag a laughing Jay and _God!_ that sound made his dick throb even harder.

When they reached the bed, Jared twisted himself around Jensen's body again. His wandering hands quickly removed the older man's top, but when he moved to pull the shorts off, Jensen stopped him.

"W-What's wrong?" His hoarse whisper ineffectively hid slight panic.

Jensen cupped his face and brought him down to a searing kiss. "Nothing, I just need to see you. Need to fucking see you," he mumbled against Jared's lips.

Completely pliant, Jay let Jensen lead him down to the bed. He sat on the edge of the mattress, but it might have been the edge of the _world_ for Jensen. Because he couldn't help to lick and nip at Jared's mouth like maybe the end was near. They wasted no time to attain a rhythm of grind, groan and thrust.

With the pit of his stomach burning, screaming at him to hurry, Jensen chose instead to strip Jay's t-shirt off in a slow, torturous manner. He ran his tongue along Jared's neck and almost by instinct; the younger man bared the right side of his neck, as if the awareness of the bite marks on the left side had never left his mind.

Jensen had to hold back the growl that twisted inside. If his desire for Jay burned like lava, then the anger he felt at the nightmare that had befallen him cut cold like a knife. But he wouldn't let the rape win. Not against himself, or against Jared.

Jensen turned Jared back to face forward and looked into his wide eyes. "No, Jay. Don't hide." At the tension that formed right away in his body, he countered, "You don't have to hide, Jay. Not with me." 

Deep and languidly, Jensen kissed him again and relished the pushes Jay's tongue made against his. "Not with me," he huskily repeated. 

His hands traced the bite marks softly. His lips quickly followed to place open-mouthed kisses over them, Jared's breaths heavy and quick. 

"Jen...Jen..." he panted.

"It's okay," Jensen whispered before he brushed Jared's nipples, earning a hiss and a quiet _"fuck."_ He finally settled on his knees in front of his lover, his eyes focused on the horizontal scar that crossed Jay's firm abdomen. His fingers ran over it and then dipped lower to pull the sweatpants and boxers over Jared's flushed cock as he said, "You're fucking perfect, just perfect."

Transfixed by the hard flesh in front of him, Jensen began to lick around the head as he freed Jared's legs from the tangle his pants had made. The litany of curses that flew from Jay's mouth made him smile and in one smooth motion, Jensen wrapped his lips around his cock and took him as far down as he could, strongly gripping the base with one hand.

Up and down, he sucked and ran his tongue sharply over Jay's length. He thought Jared hadn't let him do that, pleasure him nearly enough. He became drunk on the shudders that ran through Jay's body and the way he parted his thighs wider when Jensen grazed his free hand underneath his balls and lightly toyed with his opening.

"Please, Jensen..." The tremors in Jay's voice made him stop, almost fearful he had done something wrong, something that had snapped him back to the place in his nightmares. When they locked eyes, all Jensen could see was a desperate desire tinged with maybe a little fear. He had to grab the base of his own dick when Jared begged, "God, please, just do something. I need you closer... I need you inside me, please?"

Breath caught in his throat, Jensen nodded and rose to eye-level with Jay. The last thing he wanted was a repeat of the last time, so he peered deep into Jared's face, searching for any kind of doubt.

"I'm not lying this time, I swear." He smiled tentatively, "I just want you."

_If only you knew how hard that makes me._ "Okay," Jensen breathed as he fumbled in the nightstand's drawer next to the bed. He clutched the bottle of lube they had recently bought as he spoke, "But we go slow. I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't, I know you won't." There was that smile again, the one that made Jensen want to go back on his own words and just sink into Jay right there. 

He held strong though. Jared pulled him close, the spread of his legs wider as he made space for Jensen between them. The action told of his sheer trust, of Jay giving what had been forcibly taken from him before. 

The thought made Jensen's heart stop for a few seconds. At one time, he’d believed nothing could make him love Jared more than he already did. He reached out to touch Jay again. 

He was so glad he'd been wrong.

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pretty old by now. Just wanted to move it from livejournal since I'm not active there anymore.


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